[Thatsaysnothingtome]

When I (22) met my boyfriend (30), he was 7 months out of a three year relationship. Within that relationship he was married after a year. It broke down within the last six months as things were rushed and for visa purposes. They decided to remain friends and he moved away.

When I first met him, they texted weekly. I expressed that I understood it was hard for them and that he could talk with me about it openly. I later discovered the texts were his ex wife sending selfies and seeking approval, or asking him to go "back and feed her". As our relationship got more serious he was in between houses and moved in with me temporarily, we then appeared online together. Followed by texts I later discovered from his ex wife inquiring about me and making jokes about our sex life. My boyfriend replied that I was no big deal, his walls were up and was she seeing someone else. Undergoing their divorce, he then had to source their marriage certificate, of which he sent her a photo of with a sad face, to which she replied "hahaha". After this being revealed to me, I kicked him out. We later got back together under the notion that he was sad over the concept of his failed marriage (which reminded him of his parents), over still being in love with the individual and she had also threatened to take his residency and visa away through the divorce. I took my boyfriend back in trust that it was a confusing time and there are no rules of letting go of a failed marriage. He then let her know this and my place in his life also.

Ever since, almost a year on, his ex wife has been very irritable about divorce payments and over things like Netflix. Her attitude is all nice, then turns to consistently provoking and trying to start a fight, to which my boyfriend does not rise to or reply to which seems to only add to her mood inconsistency. My understanding is that she is now in a relationship, yet he still receives attention seeking attempts from her even when she essentially ended the marriage and has moved on.

I'm not naive in thinking there are not still some emotions involved throughout a relationship you thought was forever, however I'm unsure how to deal with her actions as is my boyfriend. His uncertainty makes me feel insecure again and I find her presence re-vives the hurt and pain of his betrayal. She is not in knowledge of this, however evidently does not respect my presence and position as his girlfriend now. I am consistently worrying about my insignificance again a marriage/ex-wife no matter how short the marriage was. It holds me back from enjoying my boyfriend and makes me second guess trusting him. My main worry is the power she seems to try to exert over him to gain and validate her own self significance that has worked in the past.

Has anyone had any experience with this or advice? I just want to stop worrying and be confident in my presence in his life.

[~Christina]

If he has no children with her , then really there is no point at all for any communication between them. He can simply stop replying or answering her calls, emails etc. Just stop.

Welcome to PC

[Bill3]

[JaGo]

To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure sending a picture of his marriage certificate with a frowny face while he's getting it sourced sounds all that terrible, but I don't know the entire situation.

However, as Christina mentioned, I really don't see a reason why he would need to be casually talking to her outside of divorce proceedings. You've already made it clear you aren't a fan of them talking...how are they communicating and how often does it happen?

[Thatsaysnothingtome]

Originally Posted by JaGo

To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure sending a picture of his marriage certificate with a frowny face while he's getting it sourced sounds all that terrible, but I don't know the entire situation.

However, as Christina mentioned, I really don't see a reason why he would need to be casually talking to her outside of divorce proceedings. You've already made it clear you aren't a fan of them talking...how are they communicating and how often does it happen?

Thanks a lot for your thoughts! Well, along with the sad face he also tried to meet up with her for coffee without my knowledge as we were fighting. This may have been fine if he had been upfront about it, however all their communication was without my knowledge and he had been indirect about what was going on. Her reassurance seeking texts attempted for him to belittle me, which he did. When obviously within our relationship my boyfriend credits me as the person in his life he's ever been closest and most open with even in comparison to his marriage. So seeing him belittle me to someone who had belittled his a lot throughout their relationship was a red siren and I kicked him out. I felt it was all very sneaky and that he was hiding feelings.

Right now, he does not talk or express any interest in needing to be friends with her. He says he doesn't ever think about it and has moved on happily with me, it's her actions that are bothering me. She is still seeking attention through unnecessarily mean comments and attempting to start fights over divorce payments or Netflix accounts. She has asked about me a lot, to which he's asked why she needs to know. Most recently, she has liked his Mums comment on Facebook, his family are no longer friends with her and dislikes her. Although being very negative towards him, online she is trying to play pleasantries with his family. I'm very confused about her motives as is my boyfriend who has recently unadded her. I don't want to input rules or regulations into my relationship, but she is continually trying to keep up a presence. I don't understand and his confusion over her virtual antics makes me unconfident in her motives.

[Bill3]

To me, your main concern here is what he is doing. Is he always unfriending her, blocking her, ignoring her, not taking up the bait? If he is doing those things, it won't matter what her motives are or who else in the family she speaks with.

[Thatsaysnothingtome]

Originally Posted by Bill3

To me, your main concern here is what he is doing. Is he always unfriending her, blocking her, ignoring her, not taking up the bait? If he is doing those things, it won't matter what her motives are or who else in the family she speaks with.

That's a really great point. I suppose I have a problem trusting him to deal with her without me being notified or discussed with, as the not replying has been essentially at my request. He doesn't seem to know or care what he would like himself but also fails to stand up for himself when faced with her malice. I fear that my requests are maybe out of line since they were married and I'm younger and don't essentially know what is normal between divorced people.

[Narcokleptic]

Ive been down this road before as well and i also unfortunately pur my better half in such a situation because my past girlfriend was doing the same and its honestly simply put she knows that he has moved on and lost her chance so her motives are looking for anythimg to stir the pot between you and him. But yes i agree if theres no children involved no need for communications aside if dealing with court because even with a response to a simple text let alone nit filling you in completely is giving her that little bit of power she thinks she has over him. And does belittle , if shes doing the whole family thing then shes really desperate and at her last resorts

[Narcokleptic]

Hope this helps in a bit but i understamd your POV and i di believe you have a huge presencr in his life and should feel super confident, as long as the communication between you both on the matter amd in general is there

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Narcokleptic

Ive been down this road before as well

simply put she knows that he has moved on and lost her chance so her motives are looking for anythimg to stir the pot between you and him.

, if shes doing the whole family thing then shes really desperate and at her last resorts

It's just more annoying, than anything. In trying to move forward, to have someone like that trying to complicate things, is draining, it's vindictive in nature.

Hopefully, time is something that helps, but sadly it might not. She probably needs counseling to learn to move on with her life.

Sorry you're going through this.

[Perna]

Are they formally divorced now? You say he moved away but it does not sound like he moved very distant if he is still trying to arrange to meet up for lunch, etc.? That something is difficult for us does not mean we are to allow our difficulties to spill over onto someone else as he is doing with his previous relationship onto you and this relationship. He does not sound able to commit to you (yet) at this time and I would kick him out until he is interested in doing that as a grown man.

[Thatsaysnothingtome]

Originally Posted by Narcokleptic

Hope this helps in a bit but i understamd your POV and i di believe you have a huge presencr in his life and should feel super confident, as long as the communication between you both on the matter amd in general is there

That's a really suited perspective and makes me feel a lot better. Thanks so much. Do you mind me asking what the situation for you is now? Your ex isn't involved at all, did you have to say something? Thanks again.