Past relationship still affecting me?

Hi there, not really sure where to start on this. I have a few things in my mind which stop me from becoming someone I want to be.

I had a few girlfriend before this one girl and always was hurt at the end of it.

Back in 2010 I met a girl, I was 22 at the time and we fell for each other. She had a boyfriend at the time and a child with him, cut a long story short I ended up in a relationship with her for around 2 years. I wasn't a very mature person back then, even though I probably thought I was, I still lived at home and was quite wrapped up in cotton wool in my own world. The relationship turned quite hostile towards the final 6 months of it. She had her own mental problems with depression and accusing me of cheating (Which I would never do, but I wouldn't put it past her with her history), so I was walking on eggshells a lot of the time. Anyway, I bailed on her and her child because I couldn't cope, I felt it was unfair for everyone involved. She was my first true love.

Moving on, I was in a band at the time, and I felt sorry for her because she was quite lonely and I invited her to our gigs and tried to remain friends with her. She ended up starting seeing the drummer (Who was also a friend of mine), which absolutely crushed me. To be fair, they were honest to me about it when I had suspected it. I had accepted in my own mind that there was nothing I could do about it, they clearly like each other and I always wanted her to be happy. Hell, I even wished it on a birthday cake she got me a few weeks after we split. So I went into quite bad depression for a while about it, crying, not sleeping, mopey. I kept it only to myself, 2 friends and a boss at work who listened. Her being with him seemed to make me want her more as I was completely out of control of the situation.

Eventually I got over the depression some 2/3 months later I got over it. I have been single since and have been 'somewhat' happy. I feel like I'm a bit of a selfish person so I have been able to do what I want. But I feel like I push girls away now, or never give the impression that I like them.

I read a book in 2013 about being a logical thinker and not rushing on emotion, it certainly helped me a **** lot more in progressive thinking, but I think it's turned me into a bore somewhat and I never sometimes say what I feel, or do what I feel because it could be deemed 'logically wrong' and I feel I missed out.

I was seeing a girl late last year/early this year but I called it off because I didn't want anything more than casually seeing each other and I know she wanted more, so I had to be honest with her. She would've been a great girlfriend too. Funny, cute, a bit naive at times but she was good. Though I pushed her away because I thought I could do better? Stupid thing is, is that I could totally be myself around her and not feel like a dumbass.

I've done some cool things in my life since then, I moved to a bigger city in 2012 on my own (although I got pretty lonely), I did a working season in the Pyrenees for 3 months after getting bored of my life just working for a living (Greatest time ever), Austria 1 month and I am currently in Brittany for a month before going back to the Pyrenees again for a few months.

My current problem is this, there was a German girl here for a few weeks and we really hit it off. She left not long ago. She is a genuinely nice girl and I was very attracted to her. I get the feeling that she liked me too but I was never too sure but we'd laugh and have 'looks' at each other and spend a decent amount of time together. But I was afraid of persuing her incase I was wrong? We've messaged a few times since and it kills me if she doesn't message back. But there are times when I won't message her back straight away. Am I trying to play it cool, or something? I think in reality I'm not giving the impression that I DO like her. Why is this? Maybe she doesn't like me? Maybe she's thinking the same as me? Hell, I'm not even sure if I want a relationship with her, though I have thought about it and think she'd be an awesome partner. I have been scarred in the past by relationships and don't want to feel rejection again.

This is currently wracking my brain out like crazy like I haven't felt before. I want to get to the root of this mental block and I'm not sure if my previous relationship woes are what's the foundation of it.

Sorry for the long *** post!

i think you are psyching yourself out, just like you think you are. that you are afraid of making the wrong decision. afraid of rejection. afraid of taking a risk, making yourself vulnerable. you were in that first relationship and left it because it wasnt working, you werent happy. then you saw here with someone else, in love and happy. you pictured that that was once you and questioned your decision to leave it, FORGETTING that that wasnt the condition of the relationship WHEN you left it. you were remembering the "so in love" times, but that wasnt the true nature of the two of you. the true nature of the two of you was the six months of arguing and unhappiness that led to your split. i am sure you didnt make that decision lightly. but that is easy to forget when you are seeing the "so in love" in your face with your friend. so this led to you questioning your judgement and not trusting yourself. being hurt and not willing to risk again. not wanting to go through all that hurt and pain again. while it may have gone on for a while, you did get over it. the reality is, it will happen again. it is part of finding the right partner. you have to take those risks, you have to get hurt, but you do heal and move on. you enjoy the time while it lasts and if it turns out not to be working you make a healthy decision to leave before you hurt one another. it sounds like you are playing games with this new girl because you are scared. if you like her, text her. if you are too afraid to get in a new relationship, seek help to work out your issues. you dont have to profess undying love and fear rejection, just talk about the weather, your goals, plans, what you like to do and ask her the same and see how conversation goes from there. develop a friendship. you dont have to jump immediately into a relationship.

hmmm... sounds like you're justify when talking about that late last year/early this year girl. Maybe you were trying to beat her to the punch? Next time, ride it out.

and the German girl, is there really any chance you'll be in the same area again anyway? Messaging is funny 'cause it can often be used like texting so we expect a quick reply, even though not all people are online regularly. Online friends you know irl are cool, on whatever level. Maybe connect with her on other media too, if you're not already (i.e. IG, etc)

Way cool on the traveling stuff! Enjoy that

Thank you for the replies, it's helped me open up about it.

I think you're right about me not wanting to be hurt again so I cut all ties before I do, or don't get into a relationship because of..

Another thing I forgot to add, said ex girlfriend large problem was that anything I wanted to do by myself (Go for a run, or go out with mates) she'd always accuse me of being selfish, so I never got much time to myself. It's kinda why I want all my time to myself now, which I know is selfish (I don't think it's always a bad thing to be selfish).

I'm not entirely sure why I get down about a girl who I'm interested in and may feel she interested back, but they don't show it. I feel like they have to make the first move or say something first, which I do think should be a mans job, so I will most likely always lose out if I keep in that mindset. Yes I will probably get shot down, but if I don't try, I'll never know.

It's weird, in life I always try things, go way out of my comfort zone, experience new things, keep an open mind. But when it comes to females, I'm pretty hopeless and go opposite!