[gmanburst]

I'm in a long-term relationship with a wonderful woman. We've been dating for roughly 7 months now. Me and her met when we were younger and fell in love. Unfortunately we weren't able to make things work at the time (mainly it was my fault for not being able to commit). A few years later we crossed paths again and here we are. As soon as we began to talk again. I fell for her all over again. And, I told myself that I didn't want to lose her again. Since second chances come around seldomly. The problem is that since we first met she's been through a hell hole that I'm having a hard time getting over. She previously was in an abusive and unstable relationship. Her ex-boyfriend was mentally unstable. And, he took her and made her do very rough stuff that took her months to build up the courage to be able to open up to me. But, now that I know all these things. I'm having a hard time dealing with them internally.

Possible trigger:

Pretty much he would emotionally abuse her, physically, and mentally. He took her from her family pretty much forcing her into a position where she had nowhere to go. He tore her down completely. He would force her daily to commit sexual intercourse with him against her will. And, because of his instability. They were financially unstable and had a hard time making ends meet. At one point he pretty much convinced her to become a high class escort. She did this for roughly 4 months with about 10 guys.

Even though I know that all of this was pretty much him taking advantage of the situation and manipulating her into doing this. I'm having an extremely hard time dealing with all of this internally. She now deals with depression and has a hard time finding motivation day to day. Every day is a struggle for her. She tells me how much she regrets doing all of that and that she has a hard time respecting herself and hold her head high. My problem is that I'm having a hard time finding the strength to not only help her. But, to help myself. As much as I hate to think about it. Those things weight heavy on my mind. She truly is a beautiful and very good woman. I know that she would have never willingly done any of those things. And, unfortunately she loved a man who was broken and pretty much ended up breaking her in the process. She's an extremely loyal person who commits to the people she loves. And, he knew the extent of her loyalty and used it for his own selfish benefit. How can I get over all of this? Not just for myself. But, for her as well? How can I let go of her past and stop letting it bring me down?

[A Red Panda]

What exactly bothers you personally? What do you need to get over? Why does it bring you down?

It's her past. She is a survivor of abuse.

The best you can do for her? Don't judge her. Listen to her. Respect her boundaries. Be there for her. Don't be self-centered - her past is not a reflection of how she will be with you.

How long has it been since the events that you're talking about?

[gmanburst]

I have a hard time getting over the acts of her having sexual relations with men for money. This is a woman who means the world to me. And, it bugs me to think that other men viewed her as just an object for sexual pleasure. Part of me is angry that she allowed herself to be put in such a situation and that she wasn't able to respect herself more. But, the other part of me understands or at least tries to that it wasn't her doing completely. It is her ex to blame. I guess in a way it is self-centered of me to be bothered by those things. But, this is exactly what I'm trying to get over. I'm having a hard time keeping those images out of my head. And, by those images I mean viewing her as a "slut". Because, I know she is not that at all. She's very intelligent, creative, good hearted, hard working, and extremely loyal and loving. I respect her. Which is why when those thoughts cross my mind. It's hard for me to bear at times. These events happened roughly a month or two before me and her began talking and dating.

[A Red Panda]

She is a survivor, and victim, of abuse. No one chooses to be a prostitute - every person who finds themselves in that situation has a reason why, in the case of your girlfriend it was as a result of abuse.

Abuse changes your mindset. The abuser changes who you are, makes you doubt your own thoughts, drags you down until they have total control.

She did NOT "allow" herself to be put in that position, and she did not choose to respect herself so little - that was the result of the abuse.

Instead, she DID manage to get herself OUT of the situation - that takes a great deal of courage and willpower. And furthermore... she's told you about it. That takes a huuugeeee leap of faith, and trust, because you can be sure she'd be worried about people thinking EXACTLY what you are thinking about her. That she could or should have done more.

It's quite amazing that she chose to tell you at all. Many people don't open up about their abuse, especially not so soon afterwards. She's just went through having her entire concept of reality and love warped, and she's already taking another chance with a new person. That is so strong and brave of her. She's trusting you, knowing full well that you could turn out to be an abuser as well - because she wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with her ex if she thought he was going to be abusive. She's trusting you, knowing full well how many guys can't handle the thought of their ex having sex with someone else. She's trusting you, knowing full well that a large majority of society will blame her for what she's gone through.

Please don't break that trust she's put into you. Please stop judging her, and dwelling on it. Focus on those good qualities, the girl YOU know. And think about just how brave she was to get herself out of a bad situation and how brave she is for taking a risk on you.

These events happened roughly a month or two before me and her began talking and dating

Thanks. I asked because I'm going to say something that other people may totally disagree with.

When I read your first post yesterday, my first thought was "this woman needs psychotherapy and a lot of it - she's not ready to be in a relationship".

I had a friend/acquaintance a few years ago who was in a situation similar to what you've described with an emotionally abusive boyfriend. I met her about a year after similar events had happened to her. I was shocked that someone who seemed so down-to-earth and in charge of her life would have allowed herself to be pulled into that sort of situation.

After I had known her for a few months, the guy that she was seeing asked her to do something similar (prostitution to earn money for something he wanted) and she did it. She was very upset afterwards. I asked her "But, why???" I truly could not understand. She said "I love him and I wanted to make him happy."

I imagine that you can see that, in this woman's case, there were distorted beliefs about what you should do for someone you love.

I am not suggesting that you leave your girlfriend. I just hope that she will get some serious psychological help.

It does make complete sense to me that you would be bothered by what she did. I would think that if she begins to work to repair her ways of thinking and feeling that led her to be susceptible to becoming caught in her past situation of abuse, that the painful images you're having will begin to fade with time.

I know that everyone on this site says "go to therapy", but truly, individual therapy for both of you (long-term for her) and couples counseling may be needed if you're going to get through all this.

If you need a safe place to talk about your feelings about this, besides to a therapist, this forum can be very helpful. Just be careful with your passwords since you're discussing your relationship with someone who may have access to your phone/computer/etc.

[gmanburst]

Thank you both. I guess I'm looking at this from the wrong angle. And, her ability to be able to put her scars aside to try and build a relationship with me is the most important thing. We have spoken about therapy and she is open to the idea. Unfortunately, she's dealt with other situations throughout her life that make it difficult for her to be intimate. But, it's something we've been working through. Sometimes she's baffled as to why I'm even with her after finding out everything she has gone through. This causes her to have a low self-esteem, insecurities about her and our relationship, and trust issues. What are some ways that I can help her build this up? Sometimes she tells me that she feels worthless and I try to give her reassurance of her value to me and to everyone else who loves her dearly. Are, there any methods I can implement day to day to help her build up her sel-esteem and self-worth again?

Originally Posted by gmanburst

Are, there any methods I can implement day to day to help her build up her sel-esteem and self-worth again?

I have a lot of issues with self esteem and self worth and what my boyfriend did for me was give me a detailed list (that I could print out) of all the things that made him fall in love with me. I have it hanging on my wall next to my bed and make a point to read it at least once a day. That helps me anyway.

[gmanburst]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

I have a lot of issues with self esteem and self worth and what my boyfriend did for me was give me a detailed list (that I could print out) of all the things that made him fall in love with me. I have it hanging on my wall next to my bed and make a point to read it at least once a day. That helps me anyway.

This is a good idea! I'm going to do something like this for her! Thank you!!

[Rose76]

It's really too bad about what your girlfriend went through. It didn't start with this guy abusing her. Something in her was broken before she ran into him. That's why he bypassed other women and selected her. He knew he could control her because life had already rendered her controllable. She kind of knows that herself. That's why she feels bad about herself. It goes back to before she met him. What she did for him was not done out of love and loyalty. She tends to be passive. All that isn't changed just because she ran into you.

It's not enough for her life to be decent now, only because she is with you and you're a decent guy. What if you get struck dead by lightning tomorrow and the next guy she runs into is another creep. She can only start to be okay, if she gets to where whether or not she exists at the level of human garbage does not depend on what guy she happens to be with at the moment. She has to want to save herself. You can be enormously important to her, but she can't just be totally dependent on you.

This young woman needs to become employed or get training leading to employment. She needs to learn to take care of herself. That doesn't have to happen by next week, but that has to be what she is going in the direction towards. Otherwise, you might as well be just another John . . . a nice one, maybe, but still a guy who decides her fate for her.

You can't give her back her self-respect. But you can be supportive of her earning that for herself. Part of the role for you to play is for you to have constructive expectations of her. You have to expect that she will not just spend a lot of time in bed, or on the couch, lamenting her past. If she needs treatment for depression, encourage her to get it. Anyone who is depressed is responsible for engaging in a plan to manage the depression. That means having a plan for how she will spend the day. If this sounds a little like tough love, you can go ahead and call it that. She needs warmth and affection, but she also needs for someone she respects to have healthy expectations of her. That's a way of believing in her. You'll never help her by being okay with her laying around the house just keeping herself sexually available to you. That's just perpetuating the life she had in the past.

If the two of you are making healthy plans for how her time and yours is going to be spent doing the constructive things that need doing to have a responsible life together, then a lot of the images in your mind will start to fade. They will be replaced by new images of her having new little successes that she builds on. This is how her self-image will change.

[A Red Panda]

I have a lot of trust, intimacy, and self-esteem issues.... even though I did not go through anything nearly as horrific as your gf (I have been lucky).

You can't fix anything for her, as much as you'd want to. Don't try, because you'll end up feeling frustrated in the future and that will be detrimental to you both.

What you can do? Is just be there for her. Listen. Don't push if she needs things to slow down. Respect her boundaries. Remind her often that you care. Don't treat her like an egg shell that will break any moment.