[brooks184]

It's kind of difficult to know where to start without it being an extremely long ask for help. Myself and my partner have been together for 8yrs we both have Bpd and anxiety. For the first 3/4yrs our sex life was great but the past 5yrs I have struggled with any intimate contact. I was referred to sexual psychotherapy and attended 6 sessions after that she thought that I was not ready and the sessions came to an end. Needless to say I was 'not fixed'. This obviously causes problems within the relationship as he always feels rejected and in his words as a man it's a need for him. He is struggling at the moment with various other things happening in our life so is more needy than ever and unfortunately I push him away without realising. It has come to a point where we are both considering going our separate ways. I love him dearly but he cannot see that, he believes love is a package and our relationship is just like a friendship. I know I could just consent to sex but I feel that would be no different to problems in my past and it wouldn't be what I wanted. Even if it did happen I couldn't be certain it would be regular for him and it would just be an act. I have tried speaking to him about this but we go round in circles and he ends up blaming me because I withhold sex. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for taking the time to read it.

[kaliope]

im wondering, do you have abuse issues in your past that has led to your difficulties with intimacy? if so, the sex therapist would have been the wrong type of therapist. you would need a therapist that specializes in trauma. oftentimes trauma leads to a bpd diagnosis, often misdiagnosed as it is really ptsd.

it may be too late for this relationship. sad he is not patient nor compassionate and caring enough to understand. sex is not everything.

[brooks184]

Originally Posted by kaliope

im wondering, do you have abuse issues in your past that has led to your difficulties with intimacy? if so, the sex therapist would have been the wrong type of therapist. you would need a therapist that specializes in trauma. oftentimes trauma leads to a bpd diagnosis, often misdiagnosed as it is really ptsd.

it may be too late for this relationship. sad he is not patient nor compassionate and caring enough to understand. sex is not everything.

Yes abuse has been a problem but I don't think it stems from that although some of my difficulties are definitely due to this. I have been in and out of therapy all my life and still see my psychiatrist on a regular basis but I always find it difficult to open up to him about my relationship issues.

[Webgoji]

Especially for men, there's an emotional bond developed due to oxytocin release during sex. It's the "cuddle" hormone.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/oxytocin

Men who have a dose of oxytocin tend to be less interested in anyone other than the woman they've bonded with. As time goes on though, they'll start to feel less of a bond. Now this can be helped with more intimate contact like cuddling, holding, kissing, etc as these actions likewise release oxytocin. So even if sex isn't on the table, more intimate contact will help keep a man from feeling alienated.

Since I've unfortunately been part of a sexless marriage this year, I can say from my experience that it's really easy to get "friend zoned" in a marriage. I kiss and hug my wife now just like she's one of my kids, it's no different. Seriously, she's become slightly more than a roommate. I can play video games and sports with my boys, do stuff and hang out with them. So they've actually got a one up on the woman I've been married to for 15 years.

Don't let it get that way. You need to work on strengthening the bond between your husband and yourself. Do things together that he can't get from his buddies, like cooking his favorite meal or watching a special show. Kiss him like you mean it, not just pucker up and smooch, but kiss like you did earlier in your marriage. Cuddle up to him at night or even just on the couch during the evening. The longer that you keep him at arm's length, the greater the chances will be that you'll reach out and he won't be there.

[brooks184]

Thank you for the replies. Webgoji we rarely go to bed together. He fears rejection so no longer tries to cuddle or kiss me and feels that going to bed at the same time will make him frustrated. I feel that this just may be the end for us, we are just like room mates. I do try to encourage watching a movie and I do cook. I really don't know if 'we' can be saved. We are hiding our emotions at for the sake of the kids but when we get some time alone it's spent discussing what's happening.