Girlfriend disgusted

Well, I've got a problem, and was hoping I could get some outside perspective from someone. I'm 27, and my girlfriend is 22, and we've been dating for almost 2 years and living together for almost one year. Yesterday, she found some videos on my computer that had been sent to me in early 2012 or so, I really can't remember. The videos were of a girl I was long-distance friends with, and sexual. I had no idea they were there until maybe a week ago, but for some stupid, stupid reason I just left them there, instead of deleting them.

So, my girlfriend hops on my computer for something totally innocent, and finds the videos in my recent documents folder. She is disgusted with me, which really, really hurts me. I never knew I could feel so awful, and I've had some really serious bouts of depression; bad enough to really contemplate suicide.

Now, I haven't cleaned all the files off of my computer and really sorted through everything since... oh maybe 2008 or so. After she found the videos, she looked around my computer, and lo and behold, I still had both this girls' email and phone number, and probably some other contact info as well. I haven't USED this info to contact her since well before my girlfriend and I started dating, but it was still there on my computer. However, the information that damned me was that I had responded to a "Hey, how's life?" type message from her via text in snapchat... so I can't even prove that it was innocent.

I tried to talk to my girlfriend about it, and she asked me a few questions about when I had contacted this girl last, which I thought I was answering honestly... but when she asked if I had her phone number, I said I didn't, because I had totally forgotten that I had her number, along with all this other information. So she starts screaming at me, saying "You're a liar" and "I'm not breaking up with you, you're breaking up with me", and starts throwing my clothes out of our room into the living room. I tried to explain that everything was really old and that she wasn't a real part of my life now, but she isn't having any of that. I really love my girlfriend, I want to spend my life with her. But I ****ed up so badly. She said she despises me this morning. I keep telling her that I love her and that she's the most important girl in my life, but she just keeps calling me a liar and everything I try to say to explain or get her to talk just seems to dig my hole a little deeper.

I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss. I know I'm an awful person, I'm not looking to see if anyone thinks I made the right choices or not... I know I didn't.
Anyway, thanks for reading, if you took the time to go through that awful mess. I'd appreciate anyone's thoughts or perspective on this situation.

hi somethingsome
as you said, you screwed up. there isnt much more to say. i see two fatal errors in your post that make it less than innocent to me. you say it was all old stuff and you havent touched it for years, forgetting it was on there, yet you said she found the videos in "recent documents" - i dont understand what it would be doing in recent documents if you hadnt seen it for years. and if it was someone you were having an intimate relationship with, how would you not know if you had her phone number? im not judging, or attempting to make you defensive, just making a couple points that would make me question your honesty.

you may honestly love her, but women dont like it when guys do things like this. it is very hurtful, no matter how innocent you may feel it is. just because you arent having actual sex with the other girl, the fact that an intimate relationship was involved and those ties are there, it is very hurtful. if you had found that stuff on her computer or phone, what would you have thought? how would you have reacted?

welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Lesson learned, right? The best you can do is hope she comes around. To be honest, you should've deleted that stuff once you two started living together. This was your fault, what did you expect? But what's done is done. If it's officially over, chalk it up to experience and move on.

I understand keeping stuff when just started dating but living together? Ouch. Why keep sex videos? Beg for forgiveness and hope for the best

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I know that you love her and believe you when you say the stuff was old. Give her space man...this is a temperamental time. In a few days, give her a long note explaining everything. Tell her that you have cleaned everything: computer, phones, etc....and that she can check on you or anything you own when ever she wants, that it is only her that you want. This stuff hurts...I know.

If this was all before her, then she shouldn't overactive. But us women do! We get severely jealous and over stupid stuff. I quit overreacting after I started meds. Mood..

Show her just how much she means to you and also give her some time to think...maybe it's time to pop the question

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Why on earth didn't you deleted when you refound it on your computer?

Instead you chose to keep it, and you didn't tell her about what you found. That might be the most upsetting part - that while it might be an OLD video... you found it, and decided to keep it. And that you then didn't tell her what you found. So even though it's an old video, that's irrelevant now really as you chose to keep the video in the present.

I'm confused with how you say you haven't had any contact with her... but responded to a message in Snapchat? That part really confuses me, because that means that you have contacted her recently. Recent contact, plus a rediscovery of a sex video? Yeah... that does seem suspicious.

That said, give her time to cool off. If she is relatively calm, try to retell her your version of what went on. She is definitely flipping out a lot, to the point that she might not be hearing you at all.

Why do ypu think you're an awful person, if you haven't even talked to this former girlfriend in years . . . . . or have you? When, exactly, was that snapchat encounter you related?

Telling her she's the most important girl in your life sure isn't going to cut it. She needs to hear that she is the only girl in your life.

Bring home flowers and keep being real sorry. That's about all you can do.

I would be interested to hear more about the time when you found the old videos but didn't delete them. Did you play them or at least click on the "start" button and then stop them? I'm thinking they wouldn't show up in your "Recent" folder if you hadn't, would they?

Were you just busy, or was your attention on something you were trying to get done, or what? Did it cross your mind that those videos were really something didn't need to keep around now that you're living with your girlfriend?

You can be honest with us here. I hope that you will be.

I know how it is with now cleaning stuff off the computer. I haven't done a really thorough cleaning of my email inbox since 2010.

"Former relationship" stuff used to exist only in a more concrete form, like a videotape or hard copy photographs or letters. I think it would have come to mind more readily then that you needed to get rid of it, because if you hadn't, you would have had to make a conscious decision to hide it from your girlfriend.

Stuff on our computers may be completely comparable to those letters and photographs, but it just hangs around invisibly, and it's easy to forget that it's there.

Maybe you need to have a talk with your girlfriend eventually about how the two of you will handle any incoming communications from exes and if you will keep any mementoes from exes. I wouldn't care if my boyfriend had things like prom photos of him with his highschool sweetheart, but that doesn't mean everyone would feel that way.

It sounds like you haven't had that conversation, and that you may not be on the same page. (For example, your responding to the SnapChat message, and your girlfriend not liking it. She may not like your using that app, period.)

I'm a writing person, so I'd suggest writing her a sincere letter of apology. If you're not a writing person, you could say the same things in a conversation. That might be the time to have the conversation about rules for any material involving exes and any communications from exes.

I like the other poster's idea about cleaning up your computer and phone and any other personal electronic devices. I think that would show contrition on your part and would show that you are making a genuine effort to be considerate of your girlfriend.

1. you are being disrespectful
2. that you know how she feels about it yet not change is being deliberately hurtful
3. your actions indicated a failure to prioritize her

If she IS to be a priority in your life you need to make that so which means slash and burn - cut all ties with your previous online daliances.

Sincerely, I wish you luck with this. I am experiencing this from the otherside right now as matter of fact and I am unsure if I can ever forgive him. This may end up being a dealbreaker.

Time. Time is your best friend. In the mean time, show her you mean you are sorry. But give her time and space. And be open to communication but don't rush for clarity or closure because she can't give it now. She's gathering her emotions. Both of you need to be in a rational place.

this is a high emotion deal with feelings all over the place. She may even be feeling a little disappointment in herself in addition to the hurt and all else. Yes, she needs some space too. Great luck.