It's been a while since I was brave enough to try. So it's only been 3 days but I've got someone who'd like to meet this weekend.
I want to know what I should do when it comes up about work. I'm on disability now. I did have a profession that I still do a bit of. But not enough to call it my work.
What would you do, would you disclose this before meeting, at the first meeting, or not for a while? It just seems like such private information to give to someone I don't know. Thanks for any advice

[~Christina]

There is NO reason to feel the need to disclose such personal information right outta the gate, You might be on date 3 and decide this person smells has horrible table manners etc and is not someone you want to spend anymore time with.

When asked what you do tell them you are in _____ filed. Certainly if pressed for say location or employer .. say something like.. Wow your asking alot of personal questions that I am not comfortable answering at this stage, and direct the conversation onto something else.

Don't ever feel pressured to give out more informations than you are comfortable with..

Good luck and enjoy yourself

Thank you Christina, I feel so relieved of pressure already

[ptangptang]

Obviously you don't HAVE to tell him anything about yourself that you don't want to, but what work you do or have done and where you work are pretty routine topics to keep the conversation flowing and seeing what you have in common. If he got put off by you saying you are on disability then I'm sure that he wouldn't be he sort of person you would want to know anyway.

[divine1966]

I totally disagree with everyone else. Employment is not some kind of intimate detail one needs to hold on to

I am really surprised you guys didn't discuss what you do for a living when yo first started talking. Isn't one of the first thing comes up in a conversation?

On most dating sites the first thing is in profile is what you do included retired or unemployment. Personally I would want to know. It is not something terribly personal.

And if the person asks you what you do for a living saying "it is too personal" it is weird to me. It's not personal but just every day kind of thing. If you are on disability then just say so. I believe people need to know. People also have rights to reject someone based on what they do or don't do for a living. It is their right. Withholding info is wrong because it's like trying to get person hooked making sure they get attached before they know facts. That's wrong

Also due to crazy scamming nowadays and Danger of online dating withholding info where one works is a red flag. If I ask a man where he works and he tells he can't say then it is the deal breaker for me. I am dating someone now I met online. I told him I was scammed before so he gave me much info before we met and on
A first date showed me his driver license and his work ID and whatever else he had. If he told me it is too personal I'd be gone immediately

You don't have to give out info but by that token he has rights to withhold facts too. I don't know how ok you are with that. It could be very dangerous

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Originally Posted by divine1966

I totally disagree with everyone else. Employment is not some kind of intimate detail one needs to hold on to

I am really surprised you guys didn't discuss what you do for a living when yo first started talking. Isn't one of the first thing comes up in a conversation?

On most dating sites the first thing is in profile is what you do included retired or unemployment. Personally I would want to know. It is not something terribly personal.

And if the person asks you what you do for a living saying "it is too personal" it is weird to me. It's not personal but just every day kind of thing. If you are on disability then just say so. I believe people need to know. People also have rights to reject someone based on what they do or don't do for a living. It is their right. Withholding info is wrong because it's like trying to get person hooked making sure they get attached before they know facts. That's wrong

Also due to crazy scamming nowadays and Danger of online dating withholding info where one works is a red flag. If I ask a man where he works and he tells he can't say then it is the deal breaker for me. I am dating someone now I met online. I told him I was scammed before so he gave me much info before we met and on
A first date showed me his driver license and his work ID and whatever else he had. If he told me it is too personal I'd be gone immediately

You don't have to give out info but by that token he has rights to withhold facts too. I don't know how ok you are with that. It could be very dangerous

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My problem is not disclosing employment, it is disclosing being on disability for mental health issues (depression), which in all reality have become physical as well (sacroilitis that is worsening). And also in disclosing that, it is kind of saying that I should disclose every health issue I have. Should I also say, hey, by the way I'm diabetic and take thyroid and blood pressure pills, so maybe I'm not so healthy and you won't want to meet me??

I just don't know if this person, and possibly more people I just meet for coffee to start of with, and see if there's any interest, should know about my disability, because of the stigma attached, and also people talk.

Say we meet, talk for a half hour, and decide we don't really have interest or likes in common. Then he walks away with a very personal piece of information of me. My depression.

It wouldn't be a big deal if people didn't judge and stigmatize mental health.

There is a chance, and could be a good one, that I will not be on disability forever and go back to work full time.

I get what ptang says too, and that is why I asked. It's a normal routine part of conversation. And if he has a problem with me on disability we wouldn't end up dating anyways. Also he has a right to know so he can decide what he wants. I just don't think it should be public information. On my profile beside profession, I just said yes. Because I do have one I can and do still do it, just not much. I would like to tell him that is what I do, but not until I feel comfortable that he is interested in me at all. Then, if he wants another date, after we talked about the many other things in the world that are just as significant, (and to me what you do for a living is not the most significant thing about a person), then I should tell him before planning to meet again.

Now I'm confused, and I feel like telling him over the internet dating site, that I'm on disability before we even meet, and tell him I'll totally understand if he doesn't want to meet. It was just for coffee. Most people get this. You don't know anything about each other. He has said what he does. He hasn't asked what I do. He could also lie or be a fraud.

I've been honest before when trying this and was told it was fine, led on for months, until the point of being intimate and having feelings, and then my mental health was used as an excuse to end it after they "conquered" me. Later I found out he still was with his ex gf, but wasn't getting sex. That is why I'm wary of disclosing anything about it.

May I ask you Divine, are you on disability? Did you put that on your profile?
Are you comfortable with the public knowing?
Also, anyone else on a dating site that is putting under profession "disability", are you comfortable with that?

[ptangptang]

I think you are in danger of 'over thinking' this. Don't worry you're not the only one that does that. I do that sometimes. Meeting for coffee is just that. You don't need to 'disclose' anything more than is on your profile before you meet. If first impressions are OK and you feel comfortable chatting and work comes up then obviously you don't lie but put things in as favourable a light as you can. Bit like a job interview really. None of those things should put someone who is genuinely interested in you, off.
As regards what happened in previous relationships you learn from them, draw a line under them and move on. Everytime is different . Things that happened before won't necessarily happen again. Hope it goes well. Let us know how it goes.

[ptangptang]

PS. I'm on a few dating sites and my profile (with pics) is quite lengthy, certainly more than most, and tells someone quite a bit about me, without me being specific. One lady said she 'liked' me. So I liked her back and sent a message saying what I was doing that day and that I was more a dog person than a cat person and asking her about her dog. Just light initial chat. She came back with ' tell me about yourself'. Jeez. What does she want ?.....references, utility bills and bank statements.?

I would like to date again, but here's my catch. Without going into my background, here's where my fruit looped mind stands. I'm not wealthy and dating is expensive. So, if the relationship goes to the bells, I figure we'll spend more time at home than out at a restaurant, movies, etc., etc. So I myself feel it's imperative to get along at home more than in a dating scene. Some folks have a heckyl and jeckyl personality. Call me crazy or whatever, the last gf called me a lot worse than that. I can take it.

[~Christina]

One thing I will insert here..

Women do need to be careful about discussing where they work specifically... same as your not going to rattle off your home address ..it's a safety issue. Sure someone can wait weeks or months to do someone harm, but there is no reason to disclose where you live and work until you spend sometime around that person and see if you even hit it off and your not sensing any red flags.

Just saying

[scorpiosis37]

I think this all depends on the individual and what they're looking for. Since this guy has agreed to meet you without asking about your profession, that might not be important to him. For me personally, I want to know that information about a potential date in e-mail #1. My profession is a big part of who I am, and I'm looking for someone who feels like I do. Financial stability is also something that is important to me, so I want to know that my potential dates have an income. But not everyone views their profession as central to who they are, and not everyone cares what their partner does (or does not do) for a living. Your date may not care about that stuff, since he hasn't asked. You can always play it by ear and see if it comes up-- or not. On my date tonight, we probably spent a good hour talking about our careers and I met her next door to her workplace, so I actually got to see the building she works in. She googled me before meeting me, and saw where I worked as well. But not everyone wants to disclose that information, and that's okay too. I think you are your date have to decide what's comfortable for you.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by disparaissant

My problem is not disclosing employment, it is disclosing being on disability for mental health issues (depression), which in all reality have become physical as well (sacroilitis that is worsening). And also in disclosing that, it is kind of saying that I should disclose every health issue I have. Should I also say, hey, by the way I'm diabetic and take thyroid and blood pressure pills, so maybe I'm not so healthy and you won't want to meet me??


I just don't know if this person, and possibly more people I just meet for coffee to start of with, and see if there's any interest, should know about my disability, because of the stigma attached, and also people talk.


Say we meet, talk for a half hour, and decide we don't really have interest or likes in common. Then he walks away with a very personal piece of information of me. My depression.


It wouldn't be a big deal if people didn't judge and stigmatize mental health.


There is a chance, and could be a good one, that I will not be on disability forever and go back to work full time.


I get what ptang says too, and that is why I asked. It's a normal routine part of conversation. And if he has a problem with me on disability we wouldn't end up dating anyways. Also he has a right to know so he can decide what he wants. I just don't think it should be public information. On my profile beside profession, I just said yes. Because I do have one I can and do still do it, just not much. I would like to tell him that is what I do, but not until I feel comfortable that he is interested in me at all. Then, if he wants another date, after we talked about the many other things in the world that are just as significant, (and to me what you do for a living is not the most significant thing about a person), then I should tell him before planning to meet again.


Now I'm confused, and I feel like telling him over the internet dating site, that I'm on disability before we even meet, and tell him I'll totally understand if he doesn't want to meet. It was just for coffee. Most people get this. You don't know anything about each other. He has said what he does. He hasn't asked what I do. He could also lie or be a fraud.


I've been honest before when trying this and was told it was fine, led on for months, until the point of being intimate and having feelings, and then my mental health was used as an excuse to end it after they "conquered" me. Later I found out he still was with his ex gf, but wasn't getting sex. That is why I'm wary of disclosing anything about it.


May I ask you Divine, are you on disability? Did you put that on your profile?

Are you comfortable with the public knowing?

Also, anyone else on a dating site that is putting under profession "disability", are you comfortable with that?

I am not saying you must disclose before you meet. I am just genuinely surprised topic of career didn't come up. That's beyond weird to me. And now you are saying he never asked what you do, not even a general idea? That's fishy. I wonder if he Is looking for just hook up or he is a scammer as seriously minded man would want to know.

No I am not on disability. I however am in relationship with a man who has severe OCD ( has to be medicated), and tourettes. His tourettes is bad and people turn to look at us when we are out. Clearly he can't hide that and clearly I don't give a flying .....about that. But I had rights to choose. He gave me that option. He was rejected by others before. They had their rights too.

Depression and disability could be hidden, it's not tourettes but how long is appropriate to hide that? 2 dates? 3? I really don't know. I would have hard time if a man didn't tell me he is on disability

Also not to sound materialistic but I
Can't afford to support a man. Even with my nice income I just cannot. I am looking for a serious commitment not just a date. Now if he has to go on disability when we already committed that's fine but deliberately take on a man with no income isn't what I am willing to do. It's my right. If I had extra money id send it help my daughter and son in law not random men. I wouldn't go on a first date if a man was on disability.

And I am not judgmental. my BF has a disability and I am ok with it but he isn't ON disability. That wouldn't be ok with me. People have rights to choose



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I used to hide all my issues from new people but ended up feeling like I was pretending to be someone I wasn't and it only added to my insecurities. I hid who I was because I assumed that no one who knew could care about me...

Well, the only way I could find out if someone could care about me, with all my issues, was to stop hiding. Recently I met someone and was honest and he didn't run away! (I did for other reasons...)

Not that you HAVE to tell anyone anything. But I think it's much healthier to be honest, when asked. Starting off a relationship hiding things as big as this...

And, the truth is, if they judge you for it, they just aren't worth it and would judge you when they found out...

That said, this has never been easy for me, either... I am also on disability. I avoid dating for other reasons but I understand the dilemma... Just be yourself! Pretending to be someone else for approval isn't worth it, in my opinion...

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

One thing I will insert here..

Women do need to be careful about discussing where they work specifically... same as your not going to rattle off your home address ..it's a safety issue. Sure someone can wait weeks or months to do someone harm, but there is no reason to disclose where you live and work until you spend sometime around that person and see if you even hit it off and your not sensing any red flags.

Just saying

Oh sure no need to announce specific places and addresses. I just don't understand how I would be able to not disclose my profession early on. Not a specific building etc

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[~Christina]

Divine if you 're read my initial post I said you can tell a person

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[~Christina]

What field you work in. The OP isn't lying, it's often takes a couple dates to even decide if you want to see a person again. Your not on disability so you don't realize most people hate not being able to work and deal with immediate stigma, why announce that right off the bat?

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[divine1966]

I do understand. I apologize if I offended anyone on disability. Especially op. Isn't my intent at all. I work with people with disabilities and have plenty of people with disabilities around me including being in love with one! So there is no judgement.

It is impossible to convey thoughts properly typing it!
I agree that perhaps waiting few dates is ok.

The thing is that some people might choose not to go on a first date if they know. And they should have that option.

There are plenty of things that might play against me.
And I know that it would be a total deal breaker for some men. So why not disclose?

It reminds me of this colleague I had. She failed to disclose she had 3 children, all still at home. Her excuse was "he never asked, so me not disclosing isn't lying ". Really? Is it something one needs to ask? So she apparently wanted to wait longer to tell him. Really? So they went on few dates.

He found out by accident bumping on to her with kids. He was livid as he didn't want to date women with kids at all! Let alone 3. She was pissed though and considered him to be a jerk. But I totally see it differently. He has rights to date or not date someone with kids! That right was taken away from him! It was waste of time for him. Some people are very busy or have other obligations like kids at home and going even on one date with someone they don't consider suitable is a waste of time and energy! I would be mad!

I do understand my opinion is not popular and no one has to agree. I might be totally wrong on the whole thing! It is just how I personally feel





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[~Christina]

Originally Posted by disparaissant

It's been a while since I was brave enough to try. So it's only been 3 days but I've got someone who'd like to meet this weekend.
I want to know what I should do when it comes up about work. I'm on disability now. I did have a profession that I still do a bit of. But not enough to call it my work.
What would you do, would you disclose this before meeting, at the first meeting, or not for a while? It just seems like such private information to give to someone I don't know. Thanks for any advice

Divine.... The OP has decided to give dating another go around. I see nothing that says she is searching for her soul mate. You are not on disability so you honestly can not say you would disclose right away. There is a huge stigma when people hear the words " I'm on disability"

I feel you are/have been judge mental , You do not have a mental illness that has taken away your ability to work for a while or for good, so you can only assume it would be an easy thing to share..

You are dating a fellow with a illness. I'm happy that you don't have a problem with it.. Hes still a functional adult that you certainly aren't going to be supporting financially. I'm aware you got scammed recently by someone online so I can understand your push for full disclosure. But the OP isn't out to pull one over on someone or get money out of them.

I doubt OP is looking for someone to support her, She is looking to met someone , maybe someones... and just see if there is someone out there that she would like to spend a bit of time with and will disclose before things get serious .. But her shooting herself in the foot before she even meets a guy for coffee or whatnot is only going to put huge stress on her and it certainly isn't going to help her confidence if she thinks she has to tell her life story and all the messy details right out of the gate.

I will bow out of this point, You and I going around in a circle is most likely not going to help the OP ....

Disparaissant, I hope that your able to go out and enjoy meeting some people and just see if you might has things in common and decide to see what happens. Disclose what you want when you feel the time is right, there are no set rules for this. Be kind to yourself

[brainhi]

Online dating is very hard. That's not to say others have had good experiences. It was not for me at all. Not sure where you live - but there are communities that have "meet up" groups - this is not just for singles but it's where people gather that have common interests. IMO - I think this would be easier to get a good look at "who" someone is instead of going to meet someone you have never been around before.

Also, in regard to one poster talking about the "expense" of dating. I would like to believe in this day and age people are more understanding about "coming out of pocket" for expensive dates. If you really like each other, it does not matter what your doing or how much it costs. At the same time I would value someone who is financially stable (whatever that may mean to the individual) in their "own" life...for me it's not about sharing incomes.

I've met great people in all income brackets - and different degrees of mental abilities.

Just be "who you are" pretending does not show the person anything. But I agree, you do not have to discuss how you make your living... although, you could talk about what you like to do - I work with children and families - and make no money at it - but love it. No one needs to know my financial status until I feel I trust them.

Good luck out there. Remember if you felt like "pretending" they may be "pretending" as well. It's not easy to really get to know "who some is".

[divine1966]

Christina I never said it is an easy thing to share at all. I just said I believe one needs to share. Like I said it is my opinion and that's how i approach dating and one doesn't need to agree and nope I am not judgmental whatsoever. But I still apologized in case someone got offended. Continue saying I am judgmental after that is uncalled for. Just because my opinion differs you don't need to get mad at me or judge me either. Totally no need for that

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I wish this site had a dating section. I've not tried online dating. Too easy for folks to fabricate their stories. I've had that happen in real life and was a hard pill to swallow, but hey, at least I didn't make it to the court house prior to finding out.

I have put details out here because I felt that folks here would be here to help be supportive and not abuse, manipulate, and beat me down like everyone I knew in the real world.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

What field you work in. The OP isn't lying, it's often takes a couple dates to even decide if you want to see a person again. Your not on disability so you don't realize most people hate not being able to work and deal with immediate stigma, why announce that right off the bat?

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Thanks Christina, this sums it up for me how I was feeling. And sorry Divine, I know how hard it is to give advice and wonder, and I appreciate honest opinions, whatever they are. Not wanting to argue, but I don't think you said it would "be easy", but you did say "if on disability then just say it".
It isn't easy.
I also think putting that right on a public profile, I won't get any messages or reading the rest. There is more to me than my disability. I hate being dishonest, and I feel this is on the fence of being dishonest, but I could also say it is not, because I do have a profession.

I also don't get where you're going about supporting someone and what that means. I'm not looking for someone to support me, disability is an income, which I obviously have a right to, and I'm supporting myself.

Anyways, after all this I was so confused and really not wanting to put myself out there anymore. I decided just now to message him and tell him I'm on disability. The last message he sent did tell me what his work is, then just said it would be nice to meet and left me his phone number. He didn't ask what I do. I don't care, I guess this will show me what it's like mentioning it to someone before meeting. Hopefully he will write back and give me an idea if he thinks I've been dishonest in some way, and let me know if he has no interest.

There is a HUGE stigma with this, it is tough living with it, and I feel I have almost no chance. If I do, I guess it would be with someone in a similar situation which is fine, but I live in such a small town I have not come across someone. There is no "meet me" groups, less than an hour away and I don't drive.

Thanks for all the replies.

[brainhi]

Over the last decade mental health has been talked about in the open more and more. Even though there is stigma... it's less than what it use to be.

Someone will value who you are. In my opinion I see it as smart that someone does actively take care of their mental health.

In general there will always be something someone may not be attracted to, size, religion, too talkative not talkative enough... and so on.

If you like yourself, others will like you too. Do not let your disability hold you hostage. If someone is not understanding - you do not want them in your life anyway!!!!!

Maybe there is less stigma. I know it is talked about more and more. But when it comes to when a person has a choice to date someone with mental health issues over someone who does not, I think it is clear what they will choose. Most people strive for the best they can get.
Hopefully over time it will be more and more accepted.
Just an update, after messaging him and saying I'm on disability but I also do some work as ---- (I could say but rather not), he said he saw no reason for us not to meet sometime and he appreciated my honesty.
So, yes I know honesty is always best, but still I won't have it as public on my profile. Also I didn't say it was for mental health issues.
But I go back to my initial gut feeling. As long as people I want to meet like my profile as it is, I think it is fine to meet once without telling them.
Someone here said people would be mad, would find even one date a waste of time etc., well then I don't think they should be on a dating site, because really no one knows if the person on the other end is telling the truth about anything.
Thanks again for all the replies, it is much appreciated and gave me a chance to think about it all.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by disparaissant

Maybe there is less stigma. I know it is talked about more and more. But when it comes to when a person has a choice to date someone with mental health issues over someone who does not, I think it is clear what they will choose. Most people strive for the best they can get.
Hopefully over time it will be more and more accepted.
Just an update, after messaging him and saying I'm on disability but I also do some work as ---- (I could say but rather not), he said he saw no reason for us not to meet sometime and he appreciated my honesty.
So, yes I know honesty is always best, but still I won't have it as public on my profile. Also I didn't say it was for mental health issues.
But I go back to my initial gut feeling. As long as people I want to meet like my profile as it is, I think it is fine to meet once without telling them.
Someone here said people would be mad, would find even one date a waste of time etc., well then I don't think they should be on a dating site, because really no one knows if the person on the other end is telling the truth about anything.
Thanks again for all the replies, it is much appreciated and gave me a chance to think about it all.

Good luck and great job being honest. Glad he didn't see it as red flag!

to all honesty I don't think people would necessarily choose a person with no mental illness over the ones with it. For me mental illness isn't a deal breaker. I am looking for certain qualities and mental illness isn't a problem

How the person goes about it could be a deal breaker ( are they seeking help and are they being proactive or are they acting like a victim and use it as a handicap or are they work hard on overcoming obstacles or do they self medicate or are they honest about it etc etc)

I wouldn't turn down great person simply because he has MI

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