[Yismymindblank12]

Have you been so misunderstood no one knows you not even your parents friends anyone since ever and continue to choose not to understand and you're constantly filled a void that you thought people were there for you, but never were?

If yes, you're as lacking of a soul as I am, I'm being completely sarcastic at the end, it's not an attack to you or anyone whose going through hardship.

It's the fact I'm ignored not by choice. I will do whatever it takes to get any reaction good and bad. I don't regret anymore, I rather accept my life for what it is than wallow in what it could of been. It's the point not that I'm sociopathic nor I'm hateful towards others in any way it's read directly what this can do to you.

Once you're taken away from people, the lack of connection is the only friend you have. You have no way to bond properly people always will judge you for what you're not and not who you are. You live a life in unsolicited solidarity at not your expense. Whether you like it or not, people more rather find it easier to be friends by hating you or ignoring you. So you do what any rational person would do, find new friends, but they can't see past the ******** because they are grown up in a world where it's not like yours that people will never ever appreciate the real you, because they can't see it.

It's not strangers, friends, acquaintances, it's spread to all relationships here on out for me so far, that I have very little understanding who my mother really is, I'm happy for once she's starting to be nice to me, but understanding far from it. My dad, not so much either. My sister thinks of me in a really sadistic way of some drug dealing, jail time crook or some hardened jerk whose so distressed I'll kill myself at any moment.

When she is a selfish *****, not coming from just me her close friends had to admit it too and my mom of course. Rather that came from a different story when I tried to be there for her, she is more complex than me, but my situation is more complex than hers. She has people who love and understand the real her even if it's nasty. Mine, no one absolutely no one. I live in a world I'd rather be dead and move on to what's next and go somewhere else to people who I never met in my life to give something I've never received from the point on back. See I never got to see that.

I still haven't. At almost 22, I was swindled lied to and belittled for everything that happened. I was a rape victim and tortured humiliated for it and then publicly shamed for it and rather at a very young age through out I can't let it go, because I'm still living in it. That in this "adult" world is less than kind for what I hoped for, that I got no one. That I will die proudly alone, because I had no one to pick up and give back to me when I needed it the most.

That I lost my close friend who hated me after I was trying to see if he was alright he hated how I talked, and hated how I acted like this on this forum. I will not lie yes, I'm not a very positive person at certain times, but people choose to see that. When I'm alone, I'm always happy and I'm always happy when I have no one in my life. Sadly enough, I want to share that happiness with someone else, but never could. Feeling this world at a very young age gave me the fastest kick in the *** that no one cared, when I was 4 years old on out. That it's never left me.

That people will never understand that you always judge a book by it's cover even though I've stated how clear I was about who I am and I just want to be loved, you say you care, but you don't show it. You choose to condemn me and expect me to be acting in a manner that isn't helpful to me. Rather, I have to be cynical snarky and be pretentious of not a rude or negative attitude, but positive to just give a **** you to everyone who says they care, but they really don't.

I've learned too long not love, rather not to hate either. Just exist no feeling, no soul. Keep it hidden don't let anyone in, because they want something.

You understand a life where you don't have control how you can manage relationships in your head, you just try to be yourself and be happy and people do what they do best fallout and leave. You don't get upset over it you act mature about it, and at the end of the day no matter how hard you work at it being your best. You are never going to reach your goal of feeling loved.

If you get this, you'll understand my rational why I say I hate people. I don't hate people, I hate their nature as much as my own, I hate how the barriers are laid before me to prevent me from anything meaningful and rather it's created a monster out of something that shouldn't be this way. People who don't experience this are deaf to eyes and ears of people who do. They'll never understand or will they will shun you. I've seen it over and over again. I hide any pain 24/7. I will probably die from a heart attack at a young age, because of this and I won't regret death if it just happened to me, because my messages. "Glad I'm out of this **** hole." It's like a mantra it never escaped, I let everything in the power of therapy and mindfulness thinking and coping the best to everything I got.

It never changes the outcome, I have to change it. I did, so I coped with it, by being nice to people and give, and be honest and make no mistakes in making an honest opinion even if the person doesn't like it.

I never hold back, because that was my first mistake, it's why I was a rape victim why people never cared about my suffering.

It's why I was abused for 10 years no one cared. No one batted an eye, they just see the tears ask for what's wrong in their false sympathy to give me short lived hope.

They never ever dared to show me I'm going to be ok. They would do that out of sympathy.

I don't care who ever met my mother and father or friends and say they do love me. They do, but they can't. They have not ever understood me, and some people like my friends I'm ok with that, but my parents no excuse and my friends that known me all my life who belittle me now no excuse.

I'm at a point. I'm truly alone and I accepted my fate as such. I will be blind to others opportunities to want any intimacy with me, because of this. I don't do well understanding that. I don't do relationships because of that. I get angry because I can't give back to them that way and I'm not comfortable at all doing that. It's either my terms to have me let things go on my way to be more open and intimate or I shut you out like everyone else. I didn't want it to be this way. It has to, I'm done, beyond the point of repenting anyone. I do forgive. I forget when I can, but I don't hold grudge. I only just avoid people. It's all I can do.

I work all the time and escape my reality that's all I do.

[Yismymindblank12]

I failed to mention. I do my best to be pleasing to others outside what I rant here. You only see certain pictures. You never get the full picture. That's ok on here. I expect the misguided responses. I don't get mad, unless their really ignorant which I received before.

I do work my best to make things work all the time. I do try new things and try to get out of this. So I want to make that clear before any advice on how to make my situation better, because most stuff I've already tried and still am attempting every day. Sometimes it works a lot of times it doesn't. So I focused my energy on my content of the words I use or say. I get too articulate and advanced in my vocab and some people I know personally don't understand what the hell I'm talking about. It's annoying, but I deal with it promptly. I'm not being overly expressive or trying to be difficult, but when I get a "what." "what are you talking about man?" "Like bro go with the waves?" like these people are so redundant and difficult at times to connect because they lived in a lifestyle I wish I had easier like they did every damn day, they don't see that, but I appreciate it when they can. I don't get mean with my friends, unless I feel threatened which is rare.

I'm very composed and calm and keep to myself most of the time in public and with people I know, but I know easily how to be fun and let go with and without alcohol, hookah, weed etc. It's just the demographic where I live is what I have to work with and that's all I got.

So please refrain explaining to me, how to or not do my life. I didn't want advice, I rather see empathy and feeling that I'm heard. Nothing else. I need it a lot. I posts these things alot, because I need it. It's a human thing a need not a want.

A lot of people should understand this for certain. No one is lesser than me or above me they just don't understand. I wish they did. I'm usually angry because they can't, but if they did I wouldn't be talking about this now. This conversation comes up a lot with my therapist. She knows this very well. She can't do anything either, just let me vent when I need it too.

[Skeezyks]

I send warm thoughts your way, Yismymindblank12.

[healingme4me]

If artificial responses are irksome, and venting to get it out, is what you need/want, without needing feedback, yet to form, overtime a place where members kinda know what's going on and are regular, there's several forums with check in threads, plus coffeehouse has several threads where others just get it out of their systems that are available to utilize. Not that Relationships and Communication doesn't suffice, I'm just reading frustration in your thread. Which is ok. I, too, sometimes prefer less feedback because I'm not necessarily looking for advice.

[Bubonic]

I want to point out that you are far from your mind being blank. I do understand why you chose that username... I read what you shared and I am glad that you did. To me you seem to be a very passionate person especially to what you hold dear to you even if they don't or seems they don't for you. For me I could add... that even my worst offenders ... as much as I hate them I still love them in a certain way. But at the same time I wish they never existed. I am sure that doesn't make any sense. I have a hard time of that one myself.

You share:
" No one is lesser than me or above me they just don't understand. I wish they did. I'm usually angry because they can't, but if they did I wouldn't be talking about this now."

I feel very similar in this regard... I also wish I was understood too... I really do... I've become arrogant in a way because no one can understand me. Is that you feel sometimes too? I'm just wondering... Do you have a different out look to the truth of life in itself? Just curious because I can try to talk to a friend who I think understands me about my philosophies and run them off. I don't think my outlook is why out there... I call things how they are and I've come to learn that there are certain ignorance's certain people around me have because they have not experienced what I have which makes me see things in a totally different light. Do you feel that way about people around you also?

Reaching-
Bubonic Page

[Yismymindblank12]

[QUOTE=Bubonic;4738895]I want to point out that you are far from your mind being blank. I do understand why you chose that username...

It was an inside joke from 6 years ago. It started as something I used to remember, I don't know the joke anymore, but it was with my ex girlfriend from that time like 4 ex girlfriends ago. I was like 15. I don't know. Some people like it others don't. I don't know.

I have no energy right now to try to be doing a thought out answer on the rest right now. I'm hurting too much. My body is falling apart from medical issues and I wish I wasn't here anymore.

[Bubonic]

[QUOTE=Yismymindblank12;4740133]

Originally Posted by Bubonic

I want to point out that you are far from your mind being blank. I do understand why you chose that username...

It was an inside joke from 6 years ago. It started as something I used to remember, I don't know the joke anymore, but it was with my ex girlfriend from that time like 4 ex girlfriends ago. I was like 15. I don't know. Some people like it others don't. I don't know.

I have no energy right now to try to be doing a thought out answer on the rest right now. I'm hurting too much. My body is falling apart from medical issues and I wish I wasn't here anymore.

I am sorry you feel that way... Right now, my mood cycles have just worn me out in the last 48 hours. I hope you have a better day.