I don't know if i should try anymore

My GF and i have been together for over 4 and a half years and its been quite a rocky road. Its too much to go into detail, but our hardships involve unemployment, financial trouble, depression, and very different personalities.

For maybe over a year now, she very oftenly talks about breaking-up. How its not working, how we aren't right for each other, how little I give or support her, how she feels trapped to be where we live, etc.

I caved to breaking up twice, and in both occasions she called me a couple hours afterwards saying i was some kind of monster, how could i leave her, how cold i was, how insensitive, how unloving, etc. I can't bear to see her like that so i came back immediately... appologising for how i should have handled it better.

So ever since those two situations i tank each and every fight we have, and i insist that we can work it out. The result is she getting more and more aggravated, saying i am trapping her, getting angrier and shutting down. Then, some hours later, everything seems to fade away, and she even appologises for the things she said.

But its getting worse. The fights are more frequent. The verbal assault is escalating. She has on more than one occasion said she hates me, that i'm not man enough, that i'm ridiculous, etc. I tank it all. When i fail to do so and reply (even if only to defend myself), it only gets uglier.

When i'm not near her, i wish we would break up. I want to. But when we fight, i get overwhelmed with the feeling that we can't give up, that i love her and that this is all temporary, that she doesn't mean what she says. One minute she says she wants us to break up, the next we're talking marriage. One minute she says i am not a man, the next she's saying i take very good care of her. One minute she says she hates me, the next she says she loves me. Its not an emotional roller coaster, its more of an emotional russian roulette.

I'm tired and sad and overwhelmed. Even if i did summon the courage to break up, or accept breaking up the next time she suggests it (probably today), i know i would cave the minute she called me in tears. Besides, she is dependant on me, both financially and emotionally (even if she doesn't want to admit it). She pushes everyone away, even her own family, and she doesn't have the money or anyone else / any other place to go to.

I feel trapped, like there's no way out of this.

P.S. She hasn't talked to me all day and her phone is disconnected. I have thoughts that she might not be home anyore when i get there, although i don't think it would be the case as she has no way of supporting herself at the moment. But the thought is there, and i can't help but wonder if that would be a good or bad thing. I feel like a coward, i'm genuinelly terrified of every scenario. Be it it coming home for another fight, or going home nt to find her. I'm scared of breaking up, but i'm scared of keeping it up. This is devastating.

That is a tough situation you are in. Couples fight but it sounds like she is giving you the runaround with verbal abuse, stomping out, cutting off communication, and then the relationship rekindles. You're walking on eggshells, it sounds like. I think couples counseling is definitely necessary or just severing the relationship permanently. xoxo

Even with walking on eggshells, since rainyday raises good points, couples counseling might be a moot endeavor until each have worked through much within individual counseling.

I don't know why she's emasculating you, but it's certainly not something to build from...

Arguments are normal, learning to "fight fair" is a required skill for couples. It leads to swifter conflict resolution and good communication skills.


You are not describing that though, you are describing scenarios where the person who supposedly loves you goes out of her way to tear you down, bit by bit, you're describing someone who does not stop until she's torn you to shreds and makes YOU feel guilty when you've had your fill and reached your breaking point.


That's in no way healthy, you are being stripped of respect, dignity, pride, and your very self-esteem.


Next time she threatens to leave, pack her bags and let her, then disconnect your phone.


You can't stay with someone out of guilt and pity, but if you do want to make a go of it, you can always drop her an email saying you'd be willing to consider reconciling once she's got a grip on her shyt.


There's absolutely no shame in looking out for yourself. Its actually important for us to do so.


Ps. I may sound callous and unsympathetic toward your gf, but it took my bf walking away from me to actually realize how horrid I had been to him. That prompted me to get help and work on myself, and I'm not mad at him for saving himself. He did the right thing, for both of us. These days our relationship is as strong and healthy as ever.

I agree with Trippin2.0 here. I think that the best course of action would be to leave her until she gets a grip on herself. Make her learn to respect you the hard way. Don't cave in to her guilt trips because you aren't a monster or selfish for taking care of yourself.

Once she realizes how hard life is without you especially if she is dependent on you financially and is on the streets homeless for awhile and she comes to you giving a sincere apology then welcome her back with open arms but state that if she continues her behavior next time you will leave for good.

Sometimes, the only way to teach somebody a valuable lesson in life is the hard way.

My sympathy to you, defeated11, for all that you are having to go through. Your girlfriend is certainly not behaving well towards you.

My problem with what people are saying about "break up with her and let her be homeless" is that she sounds like she needs some mental health care.

I think you have to decide how responsible you feel for her well-being. Even though the two of you are not married, if you have been together for four and a half years, you are essentially her partner.

That doesn't mean, of course, that you can't leave. You have to balance how much help you are able to give your girlfriend and what you have to do to keep yourself sane.

I don't know how mental health care works in your country, but I would encourage both you and your girlfriend to see a physician and explain what kind of things are going on with you and get some suggestions.

I know that the UK has the Samaritans organization. Is there anything like that where you live? It sounds like you need an impartial, mature person to talk to. This could be a psychotherapist, but it doesn't have to be.

Thanks for posting on this forum. This can be a good place to talk about your problems and to hear what other people have done in similar situations.

No one deserves to be treated the way that your gf is treating you.

It's like... emotional and verbal abuse and black mail. No matter what you do, she makes it out to be that you are terrible.

Sometimes love isn't enough. You might love her, but it doesn't sound like you are getting anything at all out of the relationship. It's so completely unstable! You shouldn't be having to walk around so nervous about what she's going to blow up about next.

It sounds like you would be better off moving on from the relationship. Is that even an ok possibility for you? Like... you live together. How financially entwined are you? Would you have anywhere to go? Would it be difficult or easy to move your things?

It really sounds like if you stay with her... you need to have a good discussion on what is acceptable behaviour or not. Which is how it could be helpful to have a professional involved to help mediate.

that this is all temporary -- temporary would be a month or so tops. This has been a difficult relaitionship for 4 years. It's dysfunctional on all levels.

Until the two of you are each independent, secure people in your own right, it will never work out.

You are not afraid of breaking up, you are afraid of being alone and becoming independent.

You have not mentioned one single positive thing about the relationship. It is not a relationship.

that she doesn't mean what she says -- when someone says something over and over again, they mean it. If they apologize and then go back to doing it over and over again, the apology was not heartfelt.

she is dependant on me, both financially and emotionally -- She knows that and forgets it sometimes and that is the reason she bothers to "come back" around to you. She is not, however, emotionally dependent on you, because she pushes everyone away. Emotionally dependent people cling to everyone most of the time. She is emotionally unstable to a spectacular degree.

I would suggest, at the very least, if you aren't sure you want to break up, a relationship break with a time limit of say 30 days to let things calm down. Neither of you can think clearly if the mess is in your face all the time. Stay with friends/family until the 30 days has passed and then meet to discuss whether or not you want to continue the relationship. It is too tangled and acrimonious at the moment to even attempt to work through it now.

And, just because she is not in a position to support herself, it doesn't mean that you continue to do that at your own emotional expense. She is an adult.

Thank you for your reply. There is however one thing i can't agree.

Actually, no. I have absolutely no fear of being alone right now, in fact if we were to break up, i would want to be alone for the foreseeable future. I am perfectly able to support myself finacially as well. What i am terrified from is the prospect of having someone suffer because of me. I am affraid of making the wrong decision. I am affraid she'll call me within a few hours of us breaking up and i know i won't be able to NOT go back to her. I am affraid to turn off my phone and triggering some sort of reaction on her part where she hurts herself. I am affraid that it'll take quite some time to move things out of the house and in the meantime we'll have to deal with each other and i can't deal with that. I'm affraid of many things, but not of being alone and independent. In this precise moment, i crave it, i believe i need it, but i'm too much of a coward.

Do you see a therapist?

You might want to read a bit about emotional blackmail , which is what you are deealing with.

This might be it. After yet another fight, breaking up came up again, and this time, instead of fighting it, i just said i'm exhausted and can't deal with this anymore. More fighting ensues. The status this very minute is that we are breaking up, and one of us is leaving the house. Not sure who. Not sure i can go ahead with this. I feel i'm going to choke again because i can't help my feelings in the critical moments when a final action is needed, or when she calls me crying saying she doesn't want it to end. I feel dizzy.

If you're the one who pays for everything than kicking her out is your right. Don't give up your place that you pay for for her stake. Take a stand and take care of you first; if she hurts herself she has nobody to blame but herself.