[savingme]

We had a perfect love story relationship until my dypareunia and depression got in the way. I had been a perfectly happy person until just over a year ago and I can't figure out what snapped inside me that changed me so drastically. I had the normal everyday stresses with college and friends and other normal issues. But everything about our relationship was fine. We got engaged we were stoked and so happy. But I think stress with school and questioning what I really wanted to do with my life started to get me down and push him away because I wasn't the happy giddy girl I'd been for the past year and our whole life (we went to schook together K-12). Then weight gain happened and I slowly started to really hate who I was, inside and out. After that there was a painful night and the dypareunia came into play. I've been to a doctor and have been trying to sort it out but it's taken a really long time and it affected my sex drive a lot. That along with the weight gain made me not want to be touched or even looked at, so needless to say still no sex drive. All This only depressed me more. It started to seem like everything in my life was falling apart little by little. Then we moved halfway across the country and I expected this to have a huge impact on my problems. Maybe I just wanted a beach to go to once in a while to forget momentarily and to have a little distance from my family, maybe I was just trying to run away from my problems, but it hasn't worked. I'm stressed about school again, money, and the relationship hasn't got better. We don't sceram or abuse or anything of the sort, but we're not in that puppy love anymore and sometimes it feels as though we're roommates more often than an engaged couple. We've created a list of things to work on and it only worked for about a week. Then came another day where he texts me everything that is wrong and then acts normal when he gets home. I know that a lot of it is due to my problems and my self esteem and that only I can fix these problems. Believe me I have asked him for help and we've had discussons about the things we both need to fix. But it never seems to go anywhere. I don't know what else to do. We do love each other there is no doubt about it, and neither of us want this to end. We want to be happy again. We want a life together forever. I am looking for tips, pick me ups, advise from people who have overcome similar problems. I've run out of ideas and I'm running out of will. I just need help.

[Artchic528]

Hey Savingme and welcome to PC!

Relationships are certainly work but they shouldn't be too hard. I truly believe you are right in that your feelings of low self esteem may be contributing to your problems here. Being depressed takes a huge toll in that department. As a result it's like climbing up an impossibly steep mountain to gain it back.

I have been through some weight gain and as a result, low self esteem as well. I had always been petite in height and weight my whole life until I began taking my current meds. It's an unfortunate side effect that a lot of those taking the kinds of meds I do have dealt with. Putting on an initial 30 lbs in the span of a few months was a huge ordeal. My thighs grew stretch marks and my favorite clothes didn't fit me any more. I felt gross and downright monsterous.

I struggled deeply with this. Sometimes going days without eating very much. However, I realized my self esteem was more deeply rooted than my newly gained weight problems. After taking time to think it over, I realized I hadn't allowed myself the chance to indulge in feeling good about what parts of me I always loved. It's a long complicated story as to why and the faith I was raised on played a huge part, so I won't get into it. I don't want to write a huge wall of text.

Basically, I am suggesting you relearn the act of loving yourself through simple baby steps like I am. For example, I really like my hair and love to grow it out as long as possible and donate it to Locks of Love. Being a red head, I guess my hair will make some lovely young girl in need very happy.

What can you see in yourself that you like right now? Your hair, like me? Your fingernails (their length, thickness or even any nail polish on them)? Try thinking of things you like about yourself and writing them down every day in a journal or notebook. You don't have to make an extensive list, just 4 or 5 things a day to start of with. You'll be more than surprised how effective that can be.

I also suggest seeking out therapy. Either individual or couples therapy, or even both. This can help with a number of things including your physical intimacy issues.

I wish you luck in your relationship and hope you can overcome this hurdle together. It will make you that much closer and only serve to strengthen your deep loving bond.

[savingme]

Thank you for your swift and thorough reply artchic528! I hadn't thought about some of the things you suggested and I plan to start on them ASAP. Loving yourself is hard but its important. I need those baby steps to get there. Thank you very much for your advise and well wishes.