Friend who let go

I am coming here for insight.

I met this woman a few years ago, as we were introduced by a mutual friend who said this woman really needed someone to talk to. So I agreed to chat with her for a while. She was going through a divorce and had serious financial difficulties. I listened to her, offered to help her with moving her stuff (although she declined the offer), and I felt really bad for her. We had many long telephone conversations. She told me her husband had abused her. She told me she had gone around to many churches, asking for money, and none of them would help her. She was angry and upset. She sometimes called me late at night, I would talk to her. We met in person one time.

Then, the mutual friend who had introduced us told me that she had contacted this woman, and the woman replied back with an ugly email message. And that she would never contact her again based on the message. This should have been a red flag to me but I didn't really process it at the time.

I went on a vacation out of the country for a while and during that time (I found out later) she had called me and left a couple of voicemails. Coming back from a 3 week trip, I didn't bother to catch up on my voicemails or somehow I missed the ones she left. And so didn't return her calls.

I sent her an email a while later and heard nothing back.

A year ago, I tried to contact her again to see how things were going. She lashed out at me. But here is the weird part: She also told me she barely knew me at all, that I was just someone she had "met only once". Its true we met only once in person but we had talked via telephone and emails for over half a year, and we had a mutual friend in common. She also mentioned that she had left me those voicemails & never heard back from me (when I had been on vacation). So it seems there was a grudge going on.

So I now, with hindsight, realize the woman had some issues and she was never a friend. But what really ticked me off was her insistence that she didn't know me well at all. And I am now very wary of who I get to know these days. Will they lash out at me eventually for some reason? If we drift apart for a while, will they take it personally as though I have abandoned them?
I have drifted apart from other people in the past (didn't contact for a long time) and then we just picked up again later on and resumed our friendship.

She's going through a rough time and apparently very sensitive to perceived slights. All you can do is move on since she's judged you as an undependable friend even though it was just bad timing.

I think that this will be the usual pattern again for you.

Hindsight is 20/20, but I wish I'd paid attention to red flags a long time ago. I will be more careful in the future about who I get to know.

I really wouldn't consider a friend someone I met once and I personally would find it very difficult to spend that much on the phone with someone I don't know and have never met. Certainly I wouldn't be on the phone late at night if I don't even know the person. Over half a year? What did you two talk about? Was she nice to talk to? Why haven't you spend time together?

I kind of agree with her that she didn't know you well or actually at all.

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I don't think there is any reason for her to bear a grudge in this situation. This person was treating you as a counselor. The focus was on her difficulties. Discussion of you was evidently secondary and not necessarily taken in by someone who was focusing on her own problems. These strike me as reasons that she might now feel that she does not know you. I think you went above and beyond with her.

It sounds to me like there was very little invested in this relationship and that you dropped her. She did not know you well enough to pick up a year later as if you were friends for a long time. You had no interest to call after your vacation so I don't even see why you would expect her to be there for you a year later.

On the positive side you have other friends who are accustomed to your pattern of connectivity.

This is probably true. I listened all the time to her issues about her divorce and ex-husband, but she never asked me about myself much. I do feel that I was used, now that I think about it. She did not even spell my name correctly when she texted me, which made me realize she never bothered to even learn the spelling of my name. Even though she told me all kinds of very personal things about herself. Including the fact that her husband had raped her. So yes, I do believe now she was using me as a counselor. Although I was deeply sorry about her problems, I didn't feel I even had the background or training to deal with some of her issues. I think she would have been served better by paying a professional counselor, but she couldn't afford it at the time.

Years ago, I dated a guy who sort of did the same thing. I began to realize we weren't really "dating", I was being a therapist for him and all he did was talk about his abusive childhood, sad teen years and problems in college with social rejection. I would tell him to see a counselor, and he would say "I can't afford it". I didn't realize it at the time, but I WAS his counselor. Then when things changed for him, he moved on and moved away from me.

I would try to arrange to meet her, but she did not live near by, was in the process of moving, and said didn't have money for gas to put in her car. She had gone around to churches asking for gas money. We didn't know each other as long term friends, but I am willing to talk to people regardless of how long I have known them. We were introduced to each other by a mutual friend who told me she needed help, so I was willing to talk to her. I don't think its "wrong" to contact someone that you haven't talked to in a while.

To turn the question around, I'd like to know why she didn't have anyone else she could talk to, except for someone (me) that she considered a total stranger? She was 50 years old and evidently had made no other friends during her lifetime that she could talk to about these problems. If she has issues with people she "doesn't know well", then she should talk to her friends....if she has any. She is the one who initiated contact to begin with - not me. I didn't exactly go looking for this woman. I wish I had never met her.

I will tell people from now on, that unless I've been friends with them for many years, I don't want them coming to me with their problems. Its just not appropriate.

There is nothing wrong with helping strangers. I just had hard time imagining talking to strangers on the phone. It's not that you had to know them long term but you kind of have to at least know them? Meet them? Forget about her.



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Its no different than talking to strangers online.

I met my husband online, we talked on the phone several times before going on the first date.

I've also had telephone interviews with employers before they would allow me to meet with them in person.

None of these things seem unusual to me. Come to think of it, I've talked to many people on the phone before ever meeting them in person.

The only thing that seems strange to me now is why this woman was 50 years old and had no other friends from her past to talk to about her divorce problems. Should have been a red flag.

Oh of course I talked to people on the phone and online but with intentions to meet. Sure several conversations is common but this isn't several conversations or interviews . These conversations went for 6 months and they were long, but no spending time . Then there was no contact for a long time. I am not surprised there is no continuation here. It would be hard to sustain.

I am not saying it is wrong just that I am unfamiliar with it.

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