Gaslighting? Or Just Selective Memory?

The thing is, at home there were not all that many things that came up over the years. I do not get the sense that there was any over-reaching, long term ill intent. Generally speaking, I have felt that I was loved and cared about all my life. I still do feel that way. However, my parents do not take to criticism well. Whenever I have said that they have done something wrong, they seemed to take offense at this. They seemed to really want to be considered in the "right" all the time with regard to things related to their parenting. To them, they were perfect. They even called themselves "perfect parents" one time. They would always brag about all the things that they do for me and the lengths that they would go to. Granted, they did do a lot and they really did seem to not only care but really give a lot of gusto to giving me opportunities. Then, as I have gotten older, I began to bring up some of the things that did happen of a negative nature, because they obviously were not perfect people. Some of them, they admitted to, but tried to minimize. They would try to write it off as having been "nothing", etc., but at least admitted it happened. However, when I brought up how they used to always comment on my weight (a number of people in my family had very early heart disease, so it wasn't really just to be mean), they said that this happened maybe 1 or 2 times at most! There were other things too, that they said and did numerous times but say it just happened a few times. We aren't talking about denial of any egregious behavior anything. It's just been that they do not readily admit to certain comments that would get made over the course of time that irked me. The few times that there was any seriously hurtful things said and done, the whole thing tends to get minimized if I bring it up. I have actually called them on this, and they get angry that I am mistrusting them. They adamantly deny that they have been intentionally manipulating me in any way. Could someone really have such a selective memory of events? Then again, it wouldn't really make a bit of sense to manipulate someone that you actually have done so much for and truly care about.

I think it might be a case of a different perspective - they just might not have seen things in the same way as you.

You may feel acutely aware of some of these things that happened, because they hurt/affected you - they just might not have paid that much heed because they didn't pick up how much it affected you.

It's been my experience that many of us have selective memories in this way, favouring our own perspective. My parents certainly don't remember things in quite the same way as me and my sibling. Interestingly me and my sibling have very similar memories, perhaps because of shared perspective.

It doesn't sound like 'gas lighting' to me, as I understand it that is a very deliberate technique used to make people doubt their sanity.

I agree. I don't think it's selective memory. Don't forget it was a different time. The belief and way of rearing back then was such things made a child and young person stronger. That doesn't make it right though.

It may be selective memory but probably not gaslighting which has a malicious intent that you indicate is not the case. I'd be especially wary of gaslighting if they were walking on your ceiling at odd hours of the night though.

^^^And causing lights to flicker.

((Movie reference, fyi))

Have you approached, family counseling? That could help everyone involved get through what needs resolution. Could be a matter of perspective or perhaps with the guidance and support of a professional, you could be helped in addressing how deeply affected you've been? If anything, at least some validation?

Family counselling sounds great, and I encourage you to try. It may end up though you seeking counselling just for your own needs. It hopefully will give you coping strategies and maybe even some methods to try and rectify the situation.

I ended up going to a 'Adults from Dysfunctional Famlies' support group. It didn't solve the problem, but gave me some comfort in knowing I wasn't alone. It reinforced to me that I was not the cause. It was bad enough to deal with the negative crap behind the scenes but I actually found it even harder to watch the 'performances' in public. I stayed away from public outings with my mom as much as possible. I had an aunt too who was untouched by the charisma and didn't allow herself to be drawn in. She was daring enough to question mom's actions and would publically rebuff her behaviour. On those instances I did have to encounter mom in public I would cling to this aunt. Once even, when my mother was humiliating me on purpose, the aunt spoke in my defense. Anyway, I hope there is such person in your own life you can cling to.

I eventually had to completely disassociate myself from mom and the family members that abetted her. It was hard - my kids grew up without grandma. But I was happier for it.

Are you in a position to do so? Is there that one family member that can provide you support and refuge? Are you in a position to find a support group or counselling?

Interestingly, when my problem was gone, the people around her changed with respect to their treatment of me over night. Clearly they felt bullied and fear of her in their own right.

I have never been a parent. I have witnessed some of my friends go through this with their children. I'm sure many times things were said and done without knowing how it felt for you... unless it was malicious. I would try and forgive them in your own head. You will make mistakes with loved ones as well. It happens.

I remember telling my brothers later in life how much they hurt my feelings by what the said or did to me.. I loved them so much and could not understand why (now I know they were following my dad's lead).. anyway.. they both were very very sorry and said so. I will never forget that.

If you need help sorting out some bad things from your past, you need to take care of that with the help of a professional. I hope things were not so bad that you continue to hurt. Take care!