Breaking engagement/ loveless relationship

I [27 F] have been in a relationship [35 M] for about 5.5 years and engaged for nearly a year of that time. We just bought a house together.

We have never communicated feelings or "talked" in this relationship until last month. I have finally had time for myself starting in July after a few rough years of graduate school. I noticed that I was being ignored (especially emotionally), that his negativity is overwhelming, the selfishness of how he talks about work all the time but won't listen when I have things to say (illustrated by never remembering), and worst of all that we are non-intimate. We don't kiss other than maybe goodbye or hello pecks. We rarely have sex, and when we do it is boring and seems like a burden. I went to my hometown for a few days and saw a couple of old friends who noticed my engagement ring-- both were surprised and asked if I was happy. After evaluating my situation, no. No I was not and am not happy.

I invited a long-time friend (of 14 years) to visit the previous apartment of my fiance and I after that friend was laid of from his job. One night I made the decision to kiss him. I did not and do not regret it. I understand that morally it is wrong, which lead me to think about what if my fiance had kissed someone else. I realized I would be happy that he had found someone that he wanted to kiss. I did not tell fiance about this episode until a night after too much drinking, which lead to a fairly intense verbal fight.

We sat down to talk the next day. I told him about all the issues that had been surfacing and he asked for the chance to change. I went to my hometown a day or two later and invited the kissing friend to join another group of friends and me without any hesitation. I did not consider fiance's feelings and again I did not regret the decision. I returned to the apartment the following day where fiance and I talked again, including how I did not believe I was giving him a fair chance and that I was not sure about going through with the home purchase. He convinced me that I had not given him long enough to prove he could change. Days later he went through the texts on my cell and threw a fit about the "emotional affair" I'd been having with the kissing friend, as well as some harmless messaging I had done with a harmless male colleague. Fiance said that if I wanted to give him a chance, I would have to cut off contact with kissing friend. I have not.

Now fiance and I are in our first house together. We still haven't been intimate since moving in. I feel entirely dissociated-- like roommates. When he kisses me it feels forced. When he tells me he loves me it's not heartfelt. I want to have the courage to leave but I'm concerned about the home finances and our two year old dog. It will be hard for me to afford an apartment after the amount I have invested in the home but I cannot afford it alone. Furthermore, I will have to move a lot over the next five years for fellowships and temporary positions, but fiance wants to stay here at his current job. We have talked about kids but now I am not interested (at least before five years).

We have never been madly in love, maybe never even in love at all. I agreed to the surprise proposal during my finals week between writing grant applications and papers on a weekend away, which had been planned to be after all the semester's work was submitted (but schedules change). I fear I have made a series of bad decisions to continue forward, but also terrible decisions about whether and how to end the engagement. Is it possible that I am not a awful person, and that I have just learned more about myself-- more about what I want, what I need in a relationship-- that I was not aware of before? I know some people are not meant to be and I fear that's the situation we are in. Also, is there any advice on how to be more straightforward about this? I know that my integrity is flawed but I do not believe that my intentions, at least long term for each of us (independently), are.

Speak to an attorney about how to extract your investment in the house. Then, I gather, you could afford to move away from him (and end the engagement).

You are not an awful person.

I suggest seeing a therapist in order to help you figure yourself out. You may have a tendency to self-sabotage, or excessive passivity, as when you bought a house when your professional plan is to relocate frequently, or when you even consider and discuss having children with someone you want to be away from. Is he abusive? Do not have any children with him or you will be tied to him for life (married or unmarried).

Thank you for responding Bill3--

My fiance is fortunately not abusive. He is very weak at communicating non-negative emotion, which wears on me.

We have only talked about children in passing. Initially the topic came up about four years ago courtesy of his grandparents, and we agreed (in private) that we each wanted to be parents someday. At the time I may have been able to envision raising children with him, but at this point I cannot.

I see so many couples getting married because they've been together for x amount of time and its "the next logical step" honestly none of those marriages have fared well...


IMO, it seems this is why you guys got engaged too.


You don't sound like an awful person, better to know what you want or don't want before making a lifetime commitment.

You don't sound awful but just unhappy. No need to be in unhappy marriage. I would get out now. Not sure why buy a house but is too late now. I agree with Bill. Talk to your lawyer

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You're not awful for seeking affection elsewhere because your SO isn't offering it to you. If you're not happy then there is nothing wrong with seeking happiness elsewhere.

What you're doing is completely natural. You have no reason to feel guilty or ashamed.

Agree. Find out about the house. Then split.