[Allenton]

Hello all, I am here tonight to ask if anyone has advice for a man nearing his 50's with a wife who has dropped the "I love you but I am not in love with you" and "I am not sexually attracted to you" bomb.
First a brief history. My wife and I dated for about 6 years before we got married. From my point of view I think we had a very good courtship. We took our time moving into a sexual relationship with maybe 4 months of dating before we had sex for the first time. We got married and she went to graduate school.
I should mention I am about 9 years older than her. I am currently 49 I have gained weight but still jog and work out 5 days a week. She has run some marathons, and works out about 5 days as well. I have had back surgery, a hip replacement, and knee surgery. All this has slowed me down a bit but again I still go out and enjoy the activity. My wife and I do not jog together as she is quite a bit faster than I am. We have two kids who we both love dearly.
Well our marriage has been good, but distant. In the last 3 or 4 years my health issues, age, and the complete lack of any family support (they all live in another state) our marriage has really taken a beating. She is very quiet and has never really talked much. About a year after our second child was born she told me she was abused by her father. She told me at this time she could not remember the last time she was happy. This was a bit of a bomb shell for me but I stuck with her, supported her as much as anyone could and watched as she seemed to unravel. She went through counseling and was on anti-depressants for about 6 months before she quit that approach. She started reading a lot of self help books and that is when I noticed some changes in her personality. She told her mom about the abuse 20 some years after the fact. Her mom got divorced and my wife felt some resentment from her mom for not saying anything when it was happening. This did not help our situation, and I don’t think it helped my wife as much as she thought it was going to.
My base feeling was I felt horrible for her as I could not imagine having your childhood ripped away by someone who is suppose to be a protector. I also felt that she should have mentioned this before we got married. I don’t mean to sound callous however, this kind of information should be known before you marry someone. I honestly don’t think it would have changed my mind about marrying her, but obviously I can not say for certain.
I am not perfect and I am not saying I am by any stretch, I have made mistakes and she focuses on them today. For instance I was arrested at work for having pot in my office. I was a chef and she had a real problem with this even though she knew from the very beginning I enjoyed smoking pot. I quit smoking after this, I also quit drinking although I was not a heavy drinker at this time anyway. I went back to school and graduated earlier this year with a BS in IT. I found a job in this market place and thought things were going well. Or relationship was still distant but as that has been the case for many years now and I thought it was just the way we are and we still did things together. Sex was maybe once a year but because of her childhood I did not press it. I also should mention that she was frustrated with my performance in the bed.

Possible trigger:

She said I took too long and it was uncomfortable for her after she climaxed. I also would not maintain a constant erection during intercourse. The erection would come and go, and that is just the way I am. I thought she enjoyed it as I was able to give her several orgasms to my one. Sometimes I would not have an orgasm because I took too long and she just quit.

Anyway she mentioned her childhood about 4-5 years ago now and things between us are as cold as ice. I very much still love her and think she is one of the strongest, most courageous, and beautiful women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and being with. The other day when I started a conversation with her about the sate of our relationship she said she loves me but is not in love with me. While a slap in the face, I really was not super surprised. We have had about 6 or 7 of these talks in the last 2 years or so. The difference was that we always agreed to work on our relationship. The next day when we resumed this discussion she then told me she is no longer sexually attracted to me. This one hurt like hell and rocked me quite a bit. As that day progressed and her words were sinking in I find myself really wondering if there is hope for us. I can not sleep and this is not good because I drive quite a bit for my job.
At any rate we talked for quite a while during a walk yesterday and I told her that I still love her and find her as sexy as ever. I also said I would like to fight for our marriage if she would like to fight for our marriage. She said she would also like to do what we can to repair our marriage.
I have not gone into a any of the details about how I have not always been the best husband. I can say I have never cheated on her, never hit her or verbally abused her I have always treated her with respect and honesty. I have always calmed down when angry before discussing our problems. I have not always been attentive to her needs, as she has not always been attentive to my needs. By needs I am referring to affection and not necessarily sex.
So the question is has anyone been in a similar situation, we still live together and sleep together. We are trying to do things together again but she remains distant. When I think I would like to put my arm around her, or kiss her, or try to cuddle with her, I worry that she will think I am doing it because I don't want to lose her and when she comes back I will stop. I am committed to change my ways to show her I love her and I do feel very stupid for my taking her for granted. With that said I don't want to go through with a year or two of this with her only to find out she still cannot love me and cannot find me attractive again.
Any thoughts on this would be very much appreciated. I know there are no guarantees and I am not looking for that. I am doing what I can and we will seek counseling. I am just unable to sleep and have to do this to get it off my chest.

[CANDC]

Allenton, welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you and your wife are not seeing eye to eye and may be moving in different directions.

You really sound like a sensitive person. Her rejection of your lovemaking style seems like a rejection of intimacy for some other dream she is after like idealized sex perhaps. Where is the closeness or intimacy in that? I just don't see that.

You sound like you have a big investment in this relationship and it may be needed to have a therapist or support group for an extended period of time to cope with this relationship. It sounds like she has reached her limit and insists on her way as the way she wants to relate. If there is any hope of staying together a couple counselor could help if BOTH people are willing to change. Love and reconciliation can not be a one sided process. Both must participate and change old thinking and habits.

Many people here at PC find they can share these feelings and what they are going through with the confidence that people go through similar things and can empathize. So many forums are offered as well as Chatrooms (after you have 5 posts or comments on others posts). Depression chat meets on Thursday night at 9pm EST and Anxiety Wednesday at 8PM.

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com that are applicable to your area of concern.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

For me lifestyle changes fit big in my recovery hopes..

I have to watch what I eat because foods I eat can stabilize my moods or exaggerate them. A high protein low carb diet with snacks or meals every 3-4 hours will over time reduce my swings. I also avoid alcohol and recreational drugs because those can really increase depression.

Other lifestyle changes that help me are doing yoga, exercises, mindfulness, calm music, and being active on Psych Central.

I agree about counselling, again both parties must be willing.

Maybe I missed it but what is her plan of action? Is it to remain the status quo? You seem more afraid of living with this than the alternative.

I think when such a thing happens during what has become a lengthy relationship we are more afraid of the change in our routine and the unknown to follow. Have you considered what such a change might offer you?

This is never easy. All the harder when you never see it coming. However, I don't believe this is the case. You have pointed out you have had similar conversations previously. I realise you love her implicitly, but I think you need to consider yourself and think of your own plans.

Good luck!