[Uplate08]

Sorry this is so long, I'm just looking for advice or something to help. I worry I'm toxic. I've been dating my boyfriend on and off for about three years. He's thirty, a couple of years older than I am, and has a daughter that will be turning eight soon. I always stuck to my 'don't date guy with kids' rule until I met him, there's just something about him that caused me to look past that part of his life. Now, let me go ahead and state that it's not that I had this rule because I didn't like kids, I was just unsure at that time in my life if would ever want to be responsible for any and was still really young and in college. That being said, when I met my boyfriend, I was going out every weekend and not as mature as I am now.
When I first started being around his kid, I would play with her and cuddle with her, but as time went on and things started getting worse. I had been with my bf for about a year before he would ever just pop kiss me in front of her and when he did, or held my hand, or when he would tell me he loved me, she would act like the sky was falling down, crying and pouting. I began to make sure if weRe holding hands in the car, she could see, rather my bf was trying to hide it or not. It made me feel unimportant and looked over. By this time she was about five and a half, almost six. As much as that behavior, and my bf giving into, upset me, I coped and tried to work past it. I'd be lying if I said it didn't cause any problems or arguments between my bf and me.
In order to understand the full issue at hand, I'm going to briefly give you some back story about my bf and his ex. She was living in another state, dating my bf's cousin, they met, she moved up here, and they became roommates. From my understanding they liked each other a little more than friends, especially on her end. However, my bf would still go out and sleep with other girls. This went on for a year or two, then she decided move. They met up, in ironically, one of my favorite spots as a teen, and had sex one final time. A month later my bf gets a call. She's pregnant. He doesn't freak out. They move back in together, have the baby, everything is good for a while, she gives him an ultimatum to get married, so he proposes. Understandable. Less than a year later, the baby was about a year and a half old or so, she cheats on him in their house while my bf and the baby are upstairs in bed. They break up, they try and work it out, and she does it again.
My bf moves out and they decide to alternate weeks with their kid. During this time, the mother has a few different boyfriends and she's going out a lot. She still pretty young at this point so that's understandable but if she had her kid that night she was real quick to pawn her off on my bf or a friend.
My bf on the other hand had no family around and a lot of time because he's the home body type so he didn't care to keep his kid, he loved it. He was going through a really hard time because all he wanted was a family for his kid. His dad was never around and even with his mother, it wasn't a normal family setting while he was growing up. Him feeling hurt and alone a lot led to him clinging to his kid excessively. By excessively, I mean unhealthfully. I say that because when talking to him one night about the way he over compensates with his daughter for the lack of attention she gets from her mother, he told he doesn't more for himself than his kid because he's trying to be the dad he didn't have. Now, the kid's mother was apparently a lot better when they were together but after that ended it, she blamed the kid a lot for her situation and the way her body looked, so she wasn't that attentive during her weeks. My bf tried to tell her she needed to be but I guess that caused arguments so he stop trying and started over compensating.
Then I came along. When we started dating and the mother wanted my bf to watch his kid during her week he started telling her no and that would make her hard to deal with. She was unhappy with her life I guess and started threatening to move away with the kid and kept him tore up. I went from being respectful of the situation to not liking her at all. She finally met someone and got married and my bf's kid doesn't and never has liked him very much. He's never done anything wrong that we've been able to find, she just doesn't like him for some reason. This has always puzzled me because she's head over heels for me now and to a point, always has been beside the times I mentioned earlier. On a side note about that, my bf said his kid was always pouting toward him and her mother if they were affectionate toward one another ever since she was a baby, so that to me has always been a mild concern. Anyways, now the mother is married to this guy and they've just recently had a baby. Before the baby was born, I would stress to my bf's kid how the baby would be getting much more attention from her mom and stepdad because all babies have to have that and how she too had gotten as a baby. Anytime you mention her new sister though, she will talk low and act not interested. When she is at my bf's for the week, it's almost as if she's regressed and wants to act like a baby herself. When I see my bf's kid act this way I sit her down and explain to her how unhealthy that behavior is and how she needs to grow up and act her age, like she used to. My bf doesn't seem to mind it as much as me. It sometimes drives me crazy.
Sometimes my thought eat away at me though. Through everything my bf and I have been through, I often wonder to myself if I can do this. I don't want to watch this kid grow up and have complexes because she's not getting what she needs from one household and more than she should from the other. She's a good kid but I wonder sometimes if I've got it in me.
I also wonder sometimes if me and my bf were to get married and have our own child someday, would love it like he does his daughter, because he wouldn't have that one on one, it was just me and you, bond he does with her. I sometimes get upset when I think about him and his ex and how he's already been through the birth of his first child and that that's an experience we won't get to share. What if he compares our kid to his past too much. I know that probably sounds dumb but between those thoughts and the situation at hand, I get down and feel toxic to my relationship. Any advice or thought are appreciated.

[Bill3]

I don't understand why you might think you are toxic.

You've been with him for three years. What do you hope for or want from the relationship?

[QuirkyGirl99]

I have no idea as to why you think you are toxic. It seems you are doing just fine and are expressing normal concerns. It seems his little girl feels jealous of anyone who takes attention away from her. I don't know if this is normal or not, since I don't have kids. If it's a serious problem, she may need some therapy. I know that after my parents split up (I was 5), I experienced a lot of separation anxiety. I also hated anyone who dated my mother, since I feared them taking my father's place. I did go to therapy though.
Anyway, it sounds like you have some thinking to do. What do you want out of this relationship? Can you handle bring a mother to his child? It's common to question whether or not you will be a good mother. Do you even really want a child? It's ok if you don't. If you do have a child with him, I wouldn't worry about the experience being any less special. Having a child with you, the woman he loves, will be just as special and completely different from his first child.

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[Uplate08]

Thank you both for your support. I want to one day marry my bf and have a child and have the whole 'happily ever after' thing but when it comes to being a kind of motherly figure to his child right now, it just isn't coming natural. I try carefully to not over step my boundries when it comes to the role I play in her life but my bf wants me to "love her like she's yours" and I try, it's just really forced and I don't know why. Maybe I scared to commit fully? I worry too that she'll be upset with a child we my have if she notices a difference because I hopefully won't have to force that love with my biological child.

I don't see where you are being poisoness at all. If anyone is toxic in your life I would say it is the child. I believe the ball is in your BF's court to do something about this. She is certainly old enough to have a chat with him and/or have counselling if you can. This needs to be nipped in the bud now. BTW how often do you spend one on one time with her?

[Bill3]

It takes time. I suggest that that the goal of "love her like she is yours" be broken down into smaller steps like Go to lunch together", "Watch a movie together", etc. Gentle time together without pressure to love in a certain way can let you know each other at your own pace and create a space in which love can perhaps grow over time.

Are there activities she doesn't do with mom or dad that can become 'your' activities? I took step son to the Library, museums, and galleries. This could avoid the 'this isn't how mom does it" statements that I always hated. It added a tailored uniqueness to our relationship.