[purplemystery]

My boyfriend of 4 months broke up with me a few days ago. I'm trying to decide whether to mail him his stuff back or to have him come by my house (he has some things to give back to me as well). I'm not sure what would be best, so I thought I'd tell you the nature of our breakup and relationship.

Here is part of a letter that I wrote to him that I'm definitely not sending, but sums up my feelings:

"I won't miss how every time you were honest it felt like a rejection, how I was always trying to prove your interest to myself by soaking up signs of affection, how you didn't want to talk to me as much as I wanted to talk to you, how you mostly seemed ambivalent, how you could talk about your uncertainty so easily and casually, how my voice sounded so quiet and guarded when I spoke to you, how I couldn't measure up to your ex though I tried, how you're probably not crying right now. How in the end you gave up and thought we were a lost cause. How in the end I agreed."

I was always feeling insecure and trying to write off certain things as personality traits ("he's just slow to feel much in relationships," "he just doesn't show his emotions," etc). But I think the truth is he was never thaaat into me and was hoping his feelings would get stronger. I liked him more than he liked me, and he even admitted this. He broke up with me because he said he didn't feel the romantic connection and he didn't want to hurt me even more down the line.

SO. To my question. When he broke up with me I said I would mail him his things. He said he didn't want me to pay for shipping and that he would just come to my house. I said I didn't want to make him drive, and I'd just mail it. I think he fought me a little more on it, but said it was my choice. He said I could text or skype him if I needed to (to process the breakup). He said he truly wanted to be friends. I won't be doing either because now I see our relationship much more clearly and realize how unhealthy and damaging it was to me.

If I mail it to him, I never have to see or talk to him again. I know he'll take my lead and mail my stuff back too. But I wonder if he'll feel hurt since it was almost understood that I was going to contact him again? He probably doesn't care.

If he comes by my house, I don't have to pay for shipping, but I might end up feeling hurt if he doesn't say anything, if he looks completely fine, etc. And I might accidentally look upset, but I just want to look neutral. At the same time, I kind of want to see him once more because I am interested to see if he would say something. Maybe seeing him would also cement the end in my mind. Or maybe it would do the reverse. Maybe seeing him would also confirm for me whether he was truly ambivalent, or if he did have feelings for me, just not as strong.

Do you think it would be better to mail or have him come?

There is a third alternative, you dropping his stuff off.

I think this a better situation because you have more control over what may transpire. What I mean is, that if things go badly you can simply leave. On the contrary if things get uncomfortable at your place you really have little control of demanding he leave and that could really get awkward.

[Mygrandjourney]

Originally Posted by rcat

There is a third alternative, you dropping his stuff off.

I think this a better situation because you have more control over what may transpire. What I mean is, that if things go badly you can simply leave. On the contrary if things get uncomfortable at your place you really have little control of demanding he leave and that could really get awkward.

Another idea would be to meet somewhere in the middle, in a public setting such as a retail parking lot, in front of the local police station, public library lot, busy park, etc and do the exchange that way. It sounds like doing it alone/1x1 might be risky.

[specialneedsmom]

There is no obligation to give presents back to someone. By definition, a gift is given with no strings attached. It is legally your property now. No need to give it back. Do you want to give these things back just as an excuse to see him one more time?

[healingme4me]

How much is shipping going to be?

[divine1966]

What are those things? Anything of value?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[popuri88]

If you think there's a chance that seeing him will help you getting over him (I mean, if you're considering this I'm already believing you'll won't freak out and start crying in front of him or something) then let him come to bring your stuff and pick his.

I think it's unfair that you have to pay for such a thing, you know? Depending on how big that box is gonna be you could meet somewhere "neutral" too.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

SO. To my question. When he broke up with me I said I would mail him his things. He said he didn't want me to pay for shipping and that he would just come to my house. I said I didn't want to make him drive, and I'd just mail it. I think he fought me a little more on it, but said it was my choice. He said I could text or skype him if I needed to (to process the breakup). He said he truly wanted to be friends. I won't be doing either because now I see our relationship much more clearly and realize how unhealthy and damaging it was to me.

Most of what you've said up to this point isn't really relevant to your decision. but next it kind of gets to the crux of things:

If I mail it to him, I never have to see or talk to him again. I know he'll take my lead and mail my stuff back too.

First, clearly you have a problem or hesitation with wanting to physically be in his presence so I would lean toward mailing the stuff if it's not cost prohibitive for you.

But I wonder if he'll feel hurt since it was almost understood that I was going to contact him again? He probably doesn't care.

Umm you broke up. Whether or not it hurts him that you don't contact him again isn't even something you need to waste an ounce of energy on in considering your decision.

If he comes by my house, I don't have to pay for shipping, but I might end up feeling hurt if he doesn't say anything, if he looks completely fine, etc. And I might accidentally look upset, but I just want to look neutral. At the same time, I kind of want to see him once more because I am interested to see if he would say something. Maybe seeing him would also cement the end in my mind. Or maybe it would do the reverse. Maybe seeing him would also confirm for me whether he was truly ambivalent, or if he did have feelings for me, just not as strong.

It sounds to me like you're still hanging onto some kind of sliver of hope in receiving some kind of reciprocation from him to validate that you're valuable. Thing is, you need to rely on YOU for this and know that you are worth something and your feelings have been and continue to be valid, without him, or any third party (friend, sibling, mate) to validate you.

In spite of what you might think, I'm going to say what you've said in this last quote underscores your needing to avoid contact with him. If you've broken up and want to get over the difficult feelings you justifiably have. Cut him off completely and mail the stuff. Don't keep dragging things out. You need time and space away from him to get your footing again. Trust me, this will do wonders for you in the long run.