Dealing with a Passive-Aggressive Husband

Married 23 years, husband and I are both in our early 50's. I am really struggling right now. Counselors have told me my husband, as I describe him, is passive-aggressive. I have read the books and agree. Husband can see some of what he has read in himself and I do feel he has tried. Counselors have tried to help me to deal with husband but it gets crazy making sometimes, to say the very least and right now I am at one of those crazy cross-points again.

Background- husband had been divorced 3 years when we met, had custody of his sons 5 & 7. He told me that his wife was having an affair and left him with the boys. With time I found out that she had not had an affair, he never even asked her. He claimed that his friend encouraged him to file for custody of the boys claiming his ex was not a good mom but then later told me that they got in an argument where she was trying to get to the boys, he wouldn't let her, asked her how she had planned to support them and she said, "child support honey" and he then filed for custody. He locked her out on New Year's eve because she was not home by the time he had asked her to be. She had no savings of her own, no car of her own and was dependent at that point on friends. She tried to get in to get her stuff, took the microwave with her and husband demanded she bring it back. She got nothing in the divorce but the clothes on her back.

Asking about his first girlfriend that his sister claimed he loved more than anyone I was told by husband that she hurt him and he felt he could not trust women so he didn't let anyone close. What I learned with time though is that husband cheated on his girlfriend (had sex with another woman), he confessed, she broke up with him, she rejected the flowers and the card he placed on her windsheild apologizing.

Our marriage has been full of contradictions and lies. I was far to eager to help him with his to sons. I was careful, I wanted him involved and I wanted to do things the way he had been doing things so I was clear to find this out.

Things really changed when we got married. Husband was working more and told me to deal with the kids so I would and then he would tell me that he would not have handled the situation that way. So I would tell him to take care of the issues and he would not. If we agreed on how to go about something with the kids he wouldn't carry thru or he would say something completely different than what we had agreed to without saying anything to me first. I would ask him why and then he would say he changed his mind. I would tell him that effective parenting is communicating with your spouse and agreeing, following thru on agreements but it never seemed to get thru to him.

In the marriage he has had 3 emotional affairs that played out before my eyes. I asked plenty of questions, voiced my concerns, etc. He claimed these ladies were just friends so I watched from a distance. the thing is he was not spending that time with me trying to engage, have conversation and he didn't want to have anything to do with the kids, not even his bio sons. He wanted to play like he was a bachelor and not be interrupted, at least that is how it appeared to me.

Porn was another issues, years of lies surrounded his porn addiction. We were counseled for the porn addiction in 2002/2003 and he claims that he has been free since. I still, to this day, have trouble trusting him. He is especially lusty.....when we are out h is scoping the women.

When we were counseled for the porn addiction and he emotional affairs in both cases he confessed to the counselors, poured out his heart, said he was sorry, said he meant me no harm. As soon as we left the counselor's office he told me, "I don't care what the counselor said, here is nothing wrong with me looking at naked celebrities on the internet," and "those were not emotional affairs, men think of women sexually." In one of our sessions we were assigned to make a love poem. Husband came in with this very well worded poem, nothing I ever heard from him ever. I told the counselor that I thought he copied it off the internet, husband claims he did not. Once we were out of the office he then tells me that he was pressed for time and looked this poem up on the internet.

I have tried to stay for the sake of our daughter but at times the frustration becomes overwhelming. Intimacy dos not exist. Husband considers lusty jr high comments intimacy, I consider them a turn off. He is not affectionate. He is not the initiator as far as sex. I have been and when I don't go to him he gets upset with me, used to go on long silent treatment pouts.

The latest is over a house. We just recently sold our house overseas. Husband does not share his money well. I have paid for my own cars and many of my own expenses while he hoards money. He has been saying that we needed to take the profit and reinvest so I assumed he meant that we would be buying a house where we are now. I actually started looking before we left Europe so at this point it has been several months now. We have looked online together, we selected a realtor, he has showed us 19 houses, we have gone past probably another 10 more.

Yesterday husband tells me that he's not sure about buying and wonders if we should rent. We have 3 dogs and 2 cats. I tried to find a rental to go into before we ever left Europe, no one will accept us with the pets and he knows this. We are in a 2 room hotel kitchenette right now, the hotel made an acceptation to policy for us. His reasoning for looking for a rental......he doesn't want me to decide in 6 months that I don't want to live here, he doesn't want to buy a house and then me kick him out, and he doesn't want to buy a house and then me file for divorce. I am the one that wanted to return to the US and I am very happy to be back, he is the one that didn't want to leave Europe. He's the one that kicked his wife out. I did mention divorce to him back in Dec when he went on an ignoring binge and would not speak to me for 6+ weeks. It was then that i told him that I was not responsible for his emotions and if there was something bothering him he needed to address those with me and not expect me to go to him and fish out the information.

I do not know where to go from here. Part of me just wants out. I feel my life with this man has been too difficult and everything is always my fault. he will not take accountability for his actions. I do not want to put my daughter thru a divorce but I also feel like I have lost a lot of me in the process of staying with husband.

I know others here will disagree with me but, frankly speaking, what speaks to me in your post is that you want out. I think you have every reason to feel this way. More than anything, the issue of trust stand outs to me - especially when it comes to the emotional affairs. So too, you have every right to expect to be treated as an equal partner in this relationship. Do you feel you are settling? Sometimes we stay with what we know because it is less scary than the unknown.

A few questions, do you work? Do you have friend(s) to confide in? Are you able to get out with friends or do things that would exert some degree of independence?

I agree with the questions, are you able to be independent.

I do understand, too well, the social expectations to stay married, at all costs because you have children.

You've invested time and time again into marriage counseling and he hasn't embraced any of it? Is passive aggression the only label? I can see why it's a serious fear because of what happened to his first wife. Be careful, please whatever you decide.

I am bringing this post back to life. It has been a struggle since this last post. I have finally takne the initiative and have started divorce proceedings on my husband. Looking back at the past 23 years of marriage (27 years with this man) I see how I have become slowly depressed over time, frustrated as all get out at times, never supported, always blamed. This has been a very one-sided relationship with me trying and constantly feeling like I am trying to pull him into the marriage while he lives in his own world, his own interests and seeks other women for his own pleasure. This has not been a marriage. I am not sure my children with understand and infact I feel they will see me possibly the one at fault as I ahve been the one effected by my husband's behavior, I have been the one yelling at times, ignoring him at times while he is smug and non-communicative.

My father does the smug, uncommunicative stunt.

Even my half sister is coming to see my father for the person he is. There's a significant age difference between us, plus different moms.

Yelling can be built up frustration, feeling unheard, a multitude of pent up emotions.



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Protect yourself. Make sure you get 1/2 of the money from the sale of the house.

Get a good attorney. Understand he has done bad things to ex 's before. Don't expect him to be fair with you.

Your daughter will understand in the long run, because you'll be so much happier and more relaxed!

Good luck. I'm sending you positive vibes and much love.