[enwarhap]

Hi this is my first post here a strange first post but I'm desperate for some advice.
First of all I'm not sure if I've posted this in the right section so feel free to move it.
Second of all I guess there are some adult themes in this post (if you can even call it that) so maybe give this post a miss if you are young or triggered by this kind of subject.

I'm pretty sure that I'm making a big deal out of something small but I'm a big anxiety sufferer and I'm not sure how to deal with a situation like this.

Just a warning that I do tend to ramble so thanks to anyone who manages to read the whole thing :P

Basically an old coworker of mine who was transfered added me on facebook.
I was friends (not close friends though) with him when we worked together and he use to give me a lift home when I worked with him. He knew about my issues with depression and anxiety and at the time I thought he was being so nice because he felt sorry for me as I'm quiet and tend to keep to myself (which suits me fine lol). We'll he had a reputation for being 'creepy' I always use to defend him and ask people why they thought that and they would just say there's just something about him so I dismissed them. There was also a rumour that he and a young co-worker were sleeping together. His wife came in store one day and one of my coworkers said that they have an open relationship and that they both sleep with other people. I thought that was a bit strange but each to their own I suppose. They do have 5 kids (one being 2 years younger than me) so I felt quite sorry for them.

Anyways thats enought backstory. He adds me on facebook and starts asking me about pictures on my profile. I breed lizards and had photos on my facebook and he started asking about them saying they were cute. He said that he should come round sometime so he could see them and that he'd love to hold one as long as it's not vicious. I hate people coming to my house but didn't want to be rude so I just kind of ignored that bit and said a few are tame but not all to try and avoid that part of the convo.
So the next message he send is and I quote "How would you feel if I came round sometime this week when your mams not home?" and straight after he sends "When are you working this week?"
Well alarm bells started ringing so I messaged my sister who is in uni for advice. She said thats definetely not an innocent message since he specifies that my mum be at work. She said just to say that I'm busy this week and to not open any more of his messages, wich I did. He sent another message after wich I didn't open but I saw what it said it said "U r OK with me coming round when ure alone right?" I've not opened this so far and I'm ignoring it.

The problem with ignoring him is though that he quite frequently comes in to where I work I probably see him about once a week what am I suppose to say to him if he comes in I'm overcone with anxiety thinking about, I havn't slept all night.
An even bigger problem though and a totally irrational one I keep telling myself is that he knows were I live what if he comes round un invited. I know it's irrational but things have happened to me in the past and the thought terrifies me and I can't get it out of my head.

The other thing I'm thinking is what if what he is saying is completely innocent. It's just why would he specifically ask twice if he can come over when I'm alone.

So my question is what would you do?

Im thinking of either doing what my sister advised and just ignore him but that doesn't get rid of my anxiety over it.
Another option wich I think might be the right thing to do is just to outright ask what he is suggesting and when/if he clarifies just say that I'm not interested.
Option 3 wich really is a last resort is to tell my mother. I rely on her alot since she's always been there to help me but she is very protective and I know she'll go completely over the top if I tell her. A big part just wants to tell her though so she can protect me. I'm an adult though and I need to start dealing with things myself.

What are your guys suggestions/experiences?

Thanks for reading hope it makes sense and isn't just a load of incoherent rambling lol

Unfriend him, and if he asks why, simply tell him he was inappropriate. If he pushes, ask him "Do I need to get help here? Because this definitely shouldn't be happening." Enough said.

Something that is on my mind is how old are the both of you?

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this situation.

I probably would answer his last message, the one that said:

"U r OK with me coming round when ure alone right?"

and say "No, I don't think that would be a good idea at all. You're married and a lot older than me."

You totally have the high ground here. He is being a creep. If, God forbid, he did show up unannounced, I would not let him in.

I don't have Facebook anymore, but I remember that there was a way to block people from being able to sent you messages. If you don't want to unfriend him entirely, you could block the private messages from him.

I can understand that you might be embarrassed if your mom got involved and got really angry, but she sounds like a good back-up resource to have if the guy keeps bothering you.

As far as my own experiences, I have had experiences similar to this happen many times. (I'm 53.) When I was younger, it would often be married guys who were lots older and they would frequently try to act like it was something innocent.

I think the key for this sort of thing is to trust your instincts, because the guy will frequently try to make you second-guess yourself and try to make it seem like you're making a big deal out of something when "all they wanted was to blah, blah, blah."

You can take the high road and just say "I'm not interested." Sometimes that's not enough and you have to say "I'm not interested in people so much older than me/I don't get involved with married men/I need to ask my mom's advice about this."

This kind of situation is difficult for almost all women to deal with. Anxiety makes it even harder. Maybe it will help if you think of it as a social skill that you will need to know as a young woman. It's really pretty much a formula. There are a handful of things that you can say.

I try to go with the more polite response first and then get ruder as necessary.

I hope I haven't scared you too much.

[Trippin2.0]

Well, he did ask if u were comfortable with his suggestion.


So I would advise you reply with a polite "no thanks, it would be highly inappropriate for a married man to visit me while I'm alone at home" and leave it at that.


We are being taught boundaries in DBT right now, and apparently there are varying degrees of "no"...


Who knew right?


So you can start off with a passive one and if that doesn't do it, you make them firmer, or even ruder as suggested above.


In relationships / friendships, its important to realize that you have a right to your boundaries and more so, that its up to you to enforce them.


If he wont respect them, no matter how you say no, well then I'd call in the big guns and get mom involved and also block him for good measure.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

We are being taught boundaries in DBT right now, and apparently there are varying degrees of "no".

"No" will always mean "NO"

[healingme4me]

I like the suggestions of asserting boundaries first. I, personally prefer the block over unfriending as the next option.

I thought Trippin was talking about various levels of intensity in expressing a "no".

In some situations, a polite "No thanks, I'm not interested" will work while other situations may require a "Get the h*** away from me right now before I call the police". Usually something in between those two is what is needed.

I'm sorry to drag this to a different vein but the different levels of 'no' thing is really, Really, REALLY upsetting to me. As a rape survivor and abuse survivor there is no argument for some levels of 'no' being stronger or more forthright than another. That would suggest that the interpretation is open to the person being told.

[enwarhap]

Thanks every one for the replies, you've no idea how much they've helped me.

I'm going to take your suggestions and just politely say no it's inappropriate. I know it seems like common sense but it's hard to think rationally when you have so much anxious thoughts swimming about.

After that I'll decide on the next step depending on how he reacts. If he's Ok with it or appologises Ill just say lets forget about it, even though I do find it quite insulting tbh lol but I'll get over it.

If he still pushes it I'll just have to be firm and maybe a bit harsh and just say that Im not attracted to him and find his behaviour quite disgusting. Hopefully it wont come to that though.

I'm 22 years old for those who are intereted I probably come across a bit younger because I'm really antisocial and havn't been in a situation like this. I'm not sure how old he is exactly but his eldest son is 20 so he must be around late 30's early 40's.

Thanks everyone again

[Trippin2.0]

Its not about it being open to interpretation... This is not about rape or abuse, so please don't even take this there.


Its about learning how to say no to non threatening people, because some of us struggle with this very simple concept.


Its about learning the different intensities of no's, because different situations call for different tones, and BEING COMFORTABLE with it.

Imagine I shouted "NO *****ING WAY!" At my 11 year old daughter because it's the only "no" that I'm comfortable with...

Like jo says, I never said nor implied it means anything else than what it does.


With all due respect, please don't make my innocent reply to be about you and what you've been through, this is about the OP.

[divine1966]

I think since he politely asked if it is ok to come over politely reply that's t is not ok and unfriend him. If he pushes you tell him you will need to ask for help ( as someone suggested) and no means no.

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[divine1966]

Originally Posted by rcat

I'm sorry to drag this to a different vein but the different levels of 'no' thing is really, Really, REALLY upsetting to me. As a rape survivor and abuse survivor there is no argument for some levels of 'no' being stronger or more forthright than another. That would suggest that the interpretation is open to the person being told.

I don't think that's what she meant.

. It's like if someone asks you on a date and you don't want to go you could politely reply that you aren't interested. You aren't going to say " NO you are a moron and I hate your guts and go away". Certainly if the person isn't listening and keeps calling then it's a different story. I don't think she meant when someone is aggressively pursuing you

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[popuri88]

You said he gave you a ride once, so he knows where you live, right?

To be honest, I'd be a bit freaked out to be home alone.

[enwarhap]

Well I've messaged him this morning I said that I'm not interested and that I think he's being innappriopriate. I know he's seen the message because there's a little tick next to it and so far he hasn't replied back so I'm guessing he's probably quite embarrased.

Yeah he does know where I live and I do have that fear that he will come round. I have 2 dogs so I feel alot safer that they are there even though I don't really know if they'd do anything lol.
Looking at it rationally I don't think he will come round. Although his suggestion is innappropriate he did ask at the end of the day twice if I was ok with it so doesn't seem like he would push the issue.
There's always that thought at the back of my mind though. I always think about the worst possible scenario and focus on those thoughts, but even if he came round he cant get in the house and I would ignore the door so I just have to keep telling myself I'm safe and nothing bad will happen.

I'm alot calmer about the situation now and able to look at the situation rationally. No doubt it was you guys replies that helped me see it like it was.

If he replies back I will let you guys know I have a feeling he wont though tbh.

Thanks for your help once again

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by oblgobl

Hi this is my first post here a strange first post but I'm desperate for some advice.
First of all I'm not sure if I've posted this in the right section so feel free to move it.
Second of all I guess there are some adult themes in this post (if you can even call it that) so maybe give this post a miss if you are young or triggered by this kind of subject.

I'm pretty sure that I'm making a big deal out of something small but I'm a big anxiety sufferer and I'm not sure how to deal with a situation like this.

Just a warning that I do tend to ramble so thanks to anyone who manages to read the whole thing :P

Basically an old coworker of mine who was transfered added me on facebook.
I was friends (not close friends though) with him when we worked together and he use to give me a lift home when I worked with him. He knew about my issues with depression and anxiety and at the time I thought he was being so nice because he felt sorry for me as I'm quiet and tend to keep to myself (which suits me fine lol). We'll he had a reputation for being 'creepy' I always use to defend him and ask people why they thought that and they would just say there's just something about him so I dismissed them. There was also a rumour that he and a young co-worker were sleeping together. His wife came in store one day and one of my coworkers said that they have an open relationship and that they both sleep with other people. I thought that was a bit strange but each to their own I suppose. They do have 5 kids (one being 2 years younger than me) so I felt quite sorry for them.

Anyways thats enought backstory. He adds me on facebook and starts asking me about pictures on my profile. I breed lizards and had photos on my facebook and he started asking about them saying they were cute. He said that he should come round sometime so he could see them and that he'd love to hold one as long as it's not vicious. I hate people coming to my house but didn't want to be rude so I just kind of ignored that bit and said a few are tame but not all to try and avoid that part of the convo.
So the next message he send is and I quote "How would you feel if I came round sometime this week when your mams not home?" and straight after he sends "When are you working this week?"
Well alarm bells started ringing so I messaged my sister who is in uni for advice. She said thats definetely not an innocent message since he specifies that my mum be at work. She said just to say that I'm busy this week and to not open any more of his messages, wich I did. He sent another message after wich I didn't open but I saw what it said it said "U r OK with me coming round when ure alone right?" I've not opened this so far and I'm ignoring it.

The problem with ignoring him is though that he quite frequently comes in to where I work I probably see him about once a week what am I suppose to say to him if he comes in I'm overcone with anxiety thinking about, I havn't slept all night.
An even bigger problem though and a totally irrational one I keep telling myself is that he knows were I live what if he comes round un invited. I know it's irrational but things have happened to me in the past and the thought terrifies me and I can't get it out of my head.

The other thing I'm thinking is what if what he is saying is completely innocent. It's just why would he specifically ask twice if he can come over when I'm alone.

So my question is what would you do?

Im thinking of either doing what my sister advised and just ignore him but that doesn't get rid of my anxiety over it.
Another option wich I think might be the right thing to do is just to outright ask what he is suggesting and when/if he clarifies just say that I'm not interested.
Option 3 wich really is a last resort is to tell my mother. I rely on her alot since she's always been there to help me but she is very protective and I know she'll go completely over the top if I tell her. A big part just wants to tell her though so she can protect me. I'm an adult though and I need to start dealing with things myself.

What are your guys suggestions/experiences?

Thanks for reading hope it makes sense and isn't just a load of incoherent rambling lol

Nothing in his advances show signs that this is an innocent thing at all. Please wipe that thought from your mind. He has specified both times in mentioning that he come see you that you are alone. If it is an innocent friendship thing, there would be no need for you to be alone at all.

You heard what you assumed were unconfirmed rumors about him being creepy. NOW you have evidence in that he is indeed a creepy. His reputation should have given you sufficient evidence coupled with how he has interacted with you since you added him on fb to give you reason to accept he's not an innocent nice guy at all.

Unfriend and block him on FB. No hesitation there, just do it. if he asks, as others have said, tell him matter-of-factly that it was inappropriate. Dont' go into it, don't let him question you. stand firm in that. If you need further help and/or advice, come here and I'm sure people here will help.

ewwwwwwwwwwww

[PennyD]

Like the others have said, if he continues, just be firm and say that you're not OK with what he's doing. This isn't okay, if you had wanted to be doing things with him you would have said yes already.

Be firm that you aren't interested. Consider blocking all communication with him that isn't work related and maybe tell him that it isn't personal.

[healingme4me]

If he's the creepy type, blocking ensures that if you participate with anyone else online via fb, even an online group, for example, he won't be able to follow you there. I've done this, myself for a couple people.

[specialneedsmom]

Originally Posted by oblgobl

.
So the next message he send is and I quote "How would you feel if I came round sometime this week when your mams not home?" and straight after he sends "When are you working this week?"

This was a creepy and inappropriate way to talk to you, its obvious that he wants something sexual. I would tell him you don't like such a direct approach, you are not interested in any sort of dalliance, and remove him from facebook.

Thx for the update. Has he responded back?

[divine1966]

There was no update?

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[enwarhap]

Hi I did update it's a few replies back to sum up I messaged him saying he's innappropriate and I'm not interested and he hasn't replied.

I think it's possible though that he hasn't looked at the message. I could have sworn that I saw a tick next to the message but I looked again and now there is a curved arrow my sis says that means he hasn't opened it yet, I'm not that facebook savy lol.

I'll update if anything happens and I'll keep checking the thread and answere questions. I'm a new member so my replies have to be approved first so it can take a while for my replies to show up.

[enwarhap]

Update for you guys, he replied to the message today. He said that i've completely misunderstood and that although I'm a nice girl he never has or never will see me that way. Which made me feel like a complete idiot lol.
Ofcourse this upset me and I was anxious for the whole day my mum noticed asked whats up so I told her. She was angry at first told me to tell him to leave me alone or she'll send family members to beat him up. After calming down (a little) she said just tell him that my mum doesn't want him near the house whether I'm here or not.
Just to mention because I don't think I've said it I work in the same place as my mum so they know each other.

[Middlemarcher]

Originally Posted by oblgobl

Update for you guys, he replied to the message today. He said that i've completely misunderstood and that although I'm a nice girl he never has or never will see me that way. Which made me feel like a complete idiot lol.

Don't feel like an idiot. His intentions weren't innocent. The fact that he claims now that they were doesn't change that. It's really good that you listened to your gut feeling-- keep doing it!