[seeker1950]

We have had several members post here about experiencing various forms of domestic violence. I hope the forum will give feedback and thoughts on this subject and post in this thread.
I was the victim of a con artist who turned stalker, and became violent, shortly after my divorce. I was very naive. The police referred to it as "domestic violence" since he had been my boyfriend and had lived in my house for a couple of months, though I had kicked him out when I discovered he was stealing from me, trying to sell my dog, and took a 13 year old to a motel! Yes, it was ridiculously bad, and embarrassing. This "man" had assured me he was not violent, though it culminated with him breaking into my house and trying to shoot me with a gun which had jammed. (I've always felt I had a guardian angel that night.)

My point in describing this again, is that I realize now that I was in denial about the danger this man presented. Friends were concerned for my safety, but I just said, "OH, he's not dangerous, just a pest!"

When one is enmeshed emotionally with another, it is very hard to see the forest for the trees....hard to see a way out, and almost impossible to imagine that one could end up dead.

Not meaning to be morose here, but I do hope that those members who have related experiences of violence at the hand of their partner will think long and hard about the implications. First of all, you are NOT trapped. You must think objectively, outside of the relationship, and specifically of ways you can get yourself out of it. I hope others here will have even better suggestions.
Love,
Patty

[Wants2Fly]

Thank you for posting so frankly about this, Patty. The communication textbook I now teach from has a section in the relationship chapter warning young women that the cycle of denial/violence/forgiveness/denial is very strong. I think it's great that textbooks now include this research and useful information.

[seeker1950]

Wants! I had no idea it was included in a textbook. Denial is a big part of it.
Thanks,
patty

I can relate to domestic violence... married at 19, to a man that was older than myself... 12 years of marriage, no one guessed that I was being abused. I hid my bruises with clothing.. he never gave me bruises on my face though he frequently back handed slapped me..broke my ear drum several times - the force of air by a slap on an ear will do it.. Violence crosses all boundaries of economics too...Rape by a husband, also appears to not count - even when a visit to to get stiches is involved...

so my point is ... you have to get smart,,,, when you decide to leave... have a plan,,, do NOT trust him no matter what..find a safe house, one where he would never guess you are at,,, or your local woman's shelter... Men that batter do not change.. they promise, they will offer to do anything but they do not change...they can be charming and violent in a split second..
do not put yourself in harms way.... it is about thinking smart and not with your heart..

I agree with the posters. Once an abuser, always an abuser. Change is so easy to promise.

I've had many patients who lived through years of it and finally got out before they were killed. Then there are the guys like Scott Peterson.........who could have been more charming/good=looking, etc. than that guy? They come in every shape, size and socio-economic background.....

It really scares me to hear someone say "I'm keeping quiet now, so as to not trigger him"......quiet triggers also. You don't always have to open your mouth to get it slapped shut.

[bebop]

oh I can so relate to this. I was a victim for a long time. one day I had just had enough. I did meet someone that somehow without ever telling me I needed to leave gave me the courage to leave! even after I left and the divorce was over he still threatened me. cops would do nothing at that time unless he actually did what he said. Thank God now days they take threats seriously. I really advise anyone in any kind of abusive situation to get out now!

[Wants2Fly]

I first started covering domestic violence as a reporter. When the first articles ran, battered women started finding my personal phone number and calling me for help. I was astonished. Thank goodness, a battered women's shelter had been started and I could refer them. I was just a reporter on the topic, not a counselor.

My first interviewee was the wife of a wealthy CEO. Like Fayerody writes, it occurs at all levels of society.

Things have improved a lot in terms of social recognition of the problem, training police, social workers, and counselors, having shelters, even getting the research into textbooks.

A woman with low self-esteem will still struggle with it. The batterer can be charming and chooses someone he can control emotionally. Cutting off contact with relatives and friends is a typical technique and the woman absorbs the belief that she is worthless and helpless through and through. Young women can be educated and warned about the cycle of abuse and still get trapped into it during the early period of intense hormonal attraction and falling in love.

So glad that things have improved in terms of social recognition.

[Sabrina]

I am a victim.

I entered this thread carefully because it had no trigger icon but feel that based on the first post, a trigger icon is appropriate. I hope I am not being too sensitive.

[seeker1950]

Sorry, Sabrina...
I hope you will feel free to talk to us if you feel the need.
I do not know how to post the trigger icon, but have attempted to do so now that you have mentioned it.

As for the police, during my experience with the stalker 10 years ago, the police were ineffective, and didn't seem to take it seriously, though I called them many, many times. He had broken into my house many times prior to the gun incident, trying to force me to have sex (I guess that's attempted rape), leaving me bruised from his unsuccessful attempts till I escapted to the neighbor's house to call 911. Many times he just slept outside in my shed or in my car if it forgot to lock it, yelling in my bedroom window all night long. The police did nothing till the gun incident. I was so traumatized, I was afraid to appear in court to face him. He got off easy, despite trying to kill me. These men know how to work the sytem.
I don't like to ramble on about this, as I've recovered, am more wary now and wiser. Being removed from it all now, I have often thought I would like to volunteer at a women's shelter, perhaps giving some insight there.
Another thing I want to add here, is that at the time this happened to me, I felt somehow responsible! This is the mindset one often finds oneself into. Just know, it is not your fault!
Patty

[Sabrina]

Patty, it is ok - I will share when I can. Thanks for understanding!

I have wanted to volunteer at women's shelters but have reserved that to just donating clothing for the time being.

Yes, I always felt responsible. Always - I can't really elaborate! It wasn't my fault - but that did not matter ... not at all!

[seeker1950]

Yes..."our fault"....
The court actually ordered me to counselling after this happened , with counsellors experienced in and dealing with domestic violence. I have to admit these women were the best I ever had at putting the truth on the line. One woman looked at me and said, "You know, you can't FIX him, don't you!?"
Patty

i had a patient who had it all and then she married him. they drove matching yellow Jaguars and lived in a mansion. when he started beating her, she escaped to a women's shelter. she was sitting in intake when a young and bruised woman entered and looked around and said, "who's Jag is that out there".....when the patient answered in the affirmative, the young woman said this, "money don't buy %#@&#!, does it?"

i've never, ever forgotten the moment when the patient told that in group.

[SpringStar]

My thoughts and prays are with you all.

(((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))

The one time I called the police, they came they saw and they "said you may leave but you must leave your baby with your husband." I had bruises, and my husband had wrenched my my arm behind my back and my left arm was pretty useless.... (One of the police officers was a woman.)

To the police, I said " I am going, and I am bringing my baby - try and stop me..."

Of course that was about 22 years ago... and I had already been planning my escape.. I started in the hospital right after the birth of my son..

I worked with a woman, whom I very much respected - had no idea that she was being abused... and I asked myself "how could you miss the signs? but I did"..
She had been married about 7 years and had just had a baby... He started sleeping with a loaded shotgun - telling her "see what you will get if you leave me"..
She also planned her escape and eventually made it...

I guess my whole point is "Thank God, times have changed and there are womens shelters, and the police have also become aware, also you just never know who is sufferring from abuse"...

The one question that many people have asked thru the years is "why bring a baby into that kinda of marriage?"

Well for myself and for the woman that I spoke about, having a baby to love and protect overrode the brain washing by our husbands that we were worthless.
So maybe it is just God's way of stepping in and loving us enough to save us?

I choose to think of it in that way even if people don't understand...though I do understand why other people have a problem understanding - it is a very complicated issue.

complications are what make it so very hard for so many......xoxoxo pat

I honour you ladies for sharing your stories. My hope is that others who are currently in such situation will read your words and starting making their plans; ask for help and find their way out of the danger they are living in.

"It's not your fault and you can't fix him".... that's the truth.

I am done sharing my story.. it was helpful for me.. thank you for "listening".

PLEASE... for those that are in an abusive relationship..

YOU ARE WORTH LEAVING the person that is abusing you.

THERE IS HELP available.... no one deserves to be hurt - verbally or physically...

Make a plan, it may take time but freedom is within reach..

[Sabrina]

freewill, your strength is amazing.

During my separation, I tried to take out an interdict against my husband so that he could not come within however many feet of me -- the response from the police was that he had to physically harm me first before I could take out that interdict. Previous physical harmings didn't count. To this day I have not understood that! And to this day, I still have no respect for our justice system.

Sadly, there are no women's shelters in my city!

[mssumom]

Same here Sabrina.......I went before a judge 3 times but it was always my word against his because he was always gone before the police got there and we were divorced so it wasn't "domestic violence" because we no longer lived together. yada yada... I could write books about the crap that I've seen and gone through with the legal system and it still has not ended........I'm still a "possession" a "right" even after all this time if I don't do or say what is demanded of me. I often feel it will never end until.......well, it just seems hopeless somedays, like today.

[Sabrina]

What can I say, except that I understand, and that I feel for you!!

(((mssumom)))