serious triggers here **** domestic violence

I have been triggered today and I just really need a safe place to tell my story. Please no attacks. I am in pain.

This is very long, but I am praying that those of you who are able will still read it. It takes a LOT for me to be able to share this today. I have spent the better part of my day in tears and reliving some terrible memories. Thanks to the support of some special people (you know who you are), I am ready to share this. I really need to be heard, and I really need to be loved right now. Please read and respond if you can…

I came home from school to see my mom and siblings crying, and my dad yelling. I didn't know what about. he told me to sit down because my mother had something to tell me. she cried as she told us that she had an affair several years ago, but it was over now. my dad kept interjecting and yelling things about her or whatever. and then he yelled and told us that the guy was a child molester and was currently in prison for it. we just cried and cried and cried. i can't remember everything that was said, but it was a while. then he said to say goodbye to her because he was taking her away and we wouldnt' see her again. first he said he was going to take her to the prison so she could be with this other guy. then he said he was going to take her to my grandparents. i believed in my mind he was going to take her somewhere and kill her. his guns were in the truck. we (siblings and me) chased them to the truck, begging him not to take her. we were so scared. we cried so hard. i felt so helpless

So my dad left with my mom, and his guns were in the truck, and I thought he would kill her. We cried and panicked, and then about a half hour later, they came back home. My mom ran in the house first and told us to get and hide his guns. We locked them up in David's room. I was supposed to go to work that night, was trying to find my work uniform in the laundry room when my dad cornered me and started screaming 2 inches from my face "Do you want her here? She doesn't care about you. She didn't just do this to me. She did it to all of us. she doesn't care about this family. She wasn't thinking of us when she did this. Do you think she was thinking about you?!" I wouldn't answer him, I just cried. He screamed until I admitted that I did want her to stay. Then he screamed about that.

Then, he went for his guns and realized they were gone. He screamed and yelled at us to give them to him, and we refused. I tried to stand between him and the door to the room the guns were in. But he was so big. And I was so scared. He threatened us. I asked him to promise he would not do anything stupid and he said he wouldn't promise but that I'd better give him the guns. We gave him the guns.

He took the guns and locked himself in his room. We stood outside the door and begged him not to kill himself. He was in there for a half-hour with a gun to his head, trying to decide. I really believed he would decide to pull the trigger.

I was so scared!

After that of course, the marriage went to hell. He talked daily about what a ***** my mother was. It hurt so much. My mom just took it, because she thought she deserved it. He told us there were more affairs than that one, and that my mom was a lying slut. My mom firmly said over and over again that this was the only affair.

In my life, I had always had this good guy bad guy scenario where I believed my dad was bad and my mom was my hero. We were very close, my mom and I. I turned to her for everything. She was my best friend. I didn't believe she was capable of lying or betraying any of us. I believed my dad was a liar and an abuser. It was very black and white in my mind. It had to be, otherwise I had no safe place. When I found out about my mom's affair, I felt I had no safe place. The world was not black and white anymore. Nobody in my life could be trusted if my mom couldn't. It was DEVASTATING. I can't even tell you how much it hurt.

I was presented with these two people telling entirely different stories, and I could not trust either one. Both had motives. Both had lied to me, to eachother, to our family.

I have spent the past five years trying desperately to repair my relationship with my mother. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to face in my life.

She broke my heart. It hurt so much. I still haven't figured out how to have a loving relationship with her, because I feel so betrayed and so hurt. I keep trying, because I love my mom so much. She was my whole world growing up. I feel I have lost her, at least as I thought she was. It hurts SO MUCH.

I wrote this poem a while later, so a couple years ago, to deal with my feelings. It's based on a story about the "Morning Star" that my dad used to tell me when I was a kid (you can read it on my website if you want the background i'll give you the link)

-Morning Star-

Morning star, go back to sleep
Your mother won't be found
She made a promise she didn't keep

You're aching morning star,
with her infidelity
It's seeping out of you,
unbearably visible
in satin tears.

Alone,
You're searching, morning star
So bright and desperate
With your tragic innocence,
A child's once unwavering trust

You love your mother morning star
But perhaps you never knew her

You will never find
the woman that you're looking for.

Angela

((((Angela))))

You are really really loved.

You are so brave to post this. I know how hard it was for you. It will be a healing step, you wait and see.

Please know how much everybody cares for you.

Always here for you, Angela.

Dear one, I, too, experienced that kind of violence as I was growing up. I believe that it's one of the most difficult things to get over and I know that you're really in pain right now. I'm so much older than you that it's ridiculous, but things will get better as time goes by. You know that I care for you and am sending you tons of love and hugs, if okay, and will be here for you. I'm going to the store but will be back shortly. Love, pat

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Angela}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm holding you tight in my heart.

nightdream

I just heard something like this with Dr. Laura on the radio a couple of weeks ago. The wife was wanting to tell her kids that their father had an affair. Dr. Laura got pretty upset with this woman and told her that it was not something to tell the kids. I agree 100%. Maybe there were things in your parents relationship to make your Mom want out. You said your Mom was your buddy, so why should that change? Sounds like your Dad has lots of problems, more than anyone else there in your family. I hope you can come to terms with this and realize that you kids should have nothing to do with the problems between them. I'm sure you have been through so much, and I hope you feel better.

(((((((((((((place, nightdream, and Pat))))))))))))))))))

thank you it was so hard to share this

Angie - I can't begin to imagine how terrifying that must have been for you. Thinking you are going to lose a parent is the scariest thing in the world for a child.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know how scarey that was for you. See, I told you are brave! You're my new hero.

You've lived through SO much pain and saw so much anger. But, in the end, you grew up with such a warm, welcoming heart. It's an amazing thing to see.

I'm proud to know you.

emmy

Ya got guts sugar.

This is huge for you to put this out here. I'm in shock of the horror y'all lived through. Guns are terrifying to me and in that situation I just cannot imagine.

((((Angela))))

Let us know how you're doing and keep reaching out through all avenues while you're going through the release of this.

((((((((((((((((Angela))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((emmy, zh, ozzie, and fuzzy))))))))))))))

tks soooo much!!!

(((((((((CJR520)))))))))))

I missed your reply! Must have been posted while I was replying to others.

Thank you for sharing

Angela

((((((((((Angela)))))))))

Sorry you went through this. You're in my thoughts.

me luvs u. take care.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((( angela ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

we love you. you're safe now.

"you can relax now.
come on and open your eyes.
breathe deeply now.
i am with you..."

((((((((((Angela)))))))))),

I can't even begin to imagine going through something so awful. Especially with your parents who should be safe for you. I'm so sorry.

I know what you're going through trying to repair the relationship with your mom. I'm trying with my mom as well. I think the mother/daughter relationship is pretty tricky to mend once it's been undone. It's not easy. I'm proud of you and impressed that you are putting forth such an effort. If you ever want to talk about it, let me know. If nothing else, I can be an understanding ear and shoulder to cry on.

I'm so very sorry you're in pain. Please take care.

Laurie

((((((((Erin, Halliebeth, kd, and Laurie)))))))))

Thank you very much for your caring! It really means a lot to me!

I took a nap after sharing this (it took a lot out of me) and I'm feeling somewhat better. Going to take a bath now.

Angela, It is very brave of you to share this. It is great that you can explain and understand the feelings. I am sorry you had this trauma. You are very safe now, you are very loved. Please think about something for me okay?
What adults do, having sex with others outside of marriage has so totally nothing to do with their children. Maybe Mom was looking for comfort? Maybe she was seeking a way out of her feelings. Regardless my friend I would like you to think about her parenting of you prior to your learning in such a tramatic way about her affair. Was she a safe parent? Did she nurture you? Did you feel protected? That is what is important. Yes, people have moral ideals and for many an extra marital affair is a deep deep sin. To me, it is sex, period, plain and simple. It's up to the adults to figure it out in their own relationships. It's not that I believe that married folks should go sleeping around but it's just not black and white. You were, (I remember I think,) raised in a very religious culture. If this is true, I am sure you heard soceital taboos against extra marital sex. Your mother's affair didn't change who she was or who she is to you. Look at the big picture Sweetcrusader. What you find in the big picture will be your truth. You are loved, you are brave, you are wise, you are kind, you are compassionate, you are safe. And you are such a remarkable young woman!!!!!!!!

wisewoman.......beautiful.

ww, Thank you for your thoughts. However, I disagree that it didn't affect me. My mother boldfaced lied to me about this before the truth came out. That's a problem for me.

I do appreciate your perspective, I just disagree. She hurt me, and I have EVERY right to be hurt by it.

Thanks for your reply. And for your kinds words

FOR THE RECORD:

-Nowhere in this post do I compare Greg to what happened to me. I simply shared the feelings that today has brought up for me. I think I have a right to do that.

I NEVER attacked anyone.

-I asked not to be attacked because I'm hurting. This includes via pms, people.

-I do not believe my way is the only way. I just believe I have a right to feel hurt about traumatic experiences in my life, and a right to share those experiences when I am triggered and hurting, regardless of whether others think what triggered those feelings is a justified reason to be triggered. Everyone, PTSD doesn't "carefully select" when it will and will not be triggered.

-I also feel I have a right to ask that others not keep asserting their viewpoints contrary to mine right now, given that I am in no emotional place to be able to handle it. I'm VERY triggered and it is near impossible to process anything or think very clearly

Thank you for respecting the fact that I'm in pain.

Angela

yes you do have every right to work through your hurts in your own time. You are in the process of doing that and that is some hard work to face.

Keep at it sweetie. I have no advice as to how to go about this healing. I can only offer up that I believe in you and back your choices in your healing path!! Often others expect your path to be different or conform more to their ideals. I only expect you to continue being honest with yourself about your feelings and working through them as needed.

You're walking the walk SC.

We're witnessing. We're seeing this.

something tells me that you've received abusive pms....i am so sorry about that. can i do anything to help you now??? xoxo pat

Oh Honey, that was not what I was saying! Of course you have every right to be hurt. You are hurt, you were hurt. I am so sorry. I care deeply for you Angela, you have a right to your feelings and I am holding you tight against me right now.

That's okay, Pat. No need to discuss the pms any further. Just wanted to make a note in my thread so that I make sure I dont' receive any more.

thanks for your caring!

(((((((((((((pat and zh))))))))))))))))

I am totally confused, as usual. ANGELA, please let us hold you safe. You are safe. I am so sorry for your pain and this super size trigger. Be well.