[Fresia]

My brother told us he is filing for divorce. On one hand this was not a surprise as they have been working on various issues for some time, together and in counseling, and apparently they are not able to resolve them. They are miserable, the children are miserable too, so it may very well be for the best since things are not getting better but worse.

What I am concerned about is that I love my brother and we like her. We are not in the relationship to understand full the extend of what is going on. It is not as though there is clear fault here, issues on both sides, and both sides are basically asking for support. I want to be supportive and my folks want to be supportive of whatever they decide too, but we do not want to get in the middle of it; it should be between them. But how to do do that (?); she is still the mother of my nephew, their grandchild, and always will be. I wish on one hand could villainize one or the other, but both are actually causing the problems from what we do know.

I don't know how exactly to be of the most help and I don't know how to be supportive. I have been trying more so to be there for the kiddoes in the interim, and just being a sounding board and listening to the two of them too is all I can safely do at this point and I am not even sure I should be doing this. Perhaps this is all we can do or should I even being doing this with my sis-in-law or future "ex"-sis-in-law.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

Thanks in advance for your insights.

[Rose76]

Listening to SIL complain about your brother could be a problem. When that happens, I would change the subject.

I guess I could say the same about listening to your brother's complaints. I think it's more normal for a spouse to complain to their own relatives. Still, a sister of mine used to complain to me about her husband, and I used to cut that kind of short.

[Trippin2.0]

I think that as long as you don't indulge in negative speak about either spouse, you're in safe territory.


Sounding board is a fair place, as long as both of them understand you're not interested in being caught in the middle, taking sides or playing referee.


Just because they're in the process of splitting up doesn't mean you have to automatically sever your relationship with her.


I know the family dynamics are way different, but years after their divorce, I actually have no relationship or contact with my "brother" and am on good terms with his ex wife.


I only added that to remind you that nobody knows what lies ahead in our futures, so don't automatically assume that the relationship between yourself and her "should" be a certain way.

[Fresia]

Thank you Rose and Trippin. I really do appreciate you sharing and the insights. I don't know that Emily Post ever had etiquette tips for how to handle separation/divorce..

It is frustrating and awkward to watch them go through this. Feeling very helpless to see them so pained. It is also just the beginning and have no idea if this will be amicable or where it will lead. Will have to play it off the cuff. I hope that can maintain relations with both but time will tell.

I think what scares me the most is for the kids going though this. Then there is that in the grand scheme of things how two people can seem so compatible and loving for so long, and begin to sour to get this point that if loved another or even did at one point, how one can treat another so abominably. It breaks my heart and scares me, also makes me want to stay single these days.

[avlady]

i am sorry you are in the middle of this. i would try if i were you to tell them you don't want to be in the middle, if they even know you are. you will be the hurt one in the end if something comes up that isn't so pleasant. you may also even be blamed for something. good luck