[Softballjunkie8]

Hello all. I will try to keep this as short as possible. My husband and I are both 27. We have been married for almost 2 years and have been together since we were 15. The last few months have been full of stress. My father died after a long battle with cancer and I was hospitalized with an infection.
All of the financial responsibility has fallen on my husband. I am trying to get back to work as I am finally feeling better. Everything seemed fine until yesterday when my husband seemed to be in a bad mood. I asked him if he was ok and he totally went OFF! He told me he wanted freedom. He said he wanted us to do more...and he wanted to go out with the guys more. He then said that he felt like he got married too soon and he had thoughts of cheating! I was shocked. Last night he told me he didn't know what he wanted.
Fast forward to this mourning and he was totally different. He said he wanted to try and work on our marriage but I needed to be more self-sufficient. He said he loves me and he can't tell the future but he'll "try". I am left hurt and bewildered and he is going on like nothing happened. I don't know what I should do or how to take it. I am glad he told me but I just don't see how he can flip and then flip back. I thought maybe he's overwhelmed but I don't know...

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Sounds to me like he has been bottling a lot of concerns n little problem n other stresses for awhile because he knew how much you were already going through and wanted to be your "rock" - which caused more stress on him (not your fault) thus causing more internal tension as well n now that he sees things are settling down for you - all those things he was keeping in n all that tension is pouring out. He probably did want to "escape" the stress n tension but wanted to be there for you as well n thats most likely at least part of where his comment about the cheating n freedom came from - but the fact he can still be open n honest with you n says he wants to work on things now when he is calm is a good sign - unless he is a controlling personality? So it's your call - yes, it was a bad fight n very hurtful things were said n it shows there are serious things that have been being hidden n now being brought to light - do you want to work on them with him or not? It won't work at all unless both of you put 1000% of yourself into it..relationships are all about working together to figure out how to resolve issues - its easy to stay together when things are good, its how you manage to work through the bad times that makes you stronger or weaker as a couple....

Sometimes just giving each other a little space or "me" time helps a lot too - a relationship is about trust as much as it is love, n a person needs to retain their independence to maintain their happiness n keep their relationship healthy...

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Wow. Thoughts of cheating?! That would be my confirmation right there. I don't think I'd be able to handle my SO saying something like that to me, especially since you're going through a lot right now. He should want to be your rock, not ditch you. You've been together since you were 15 you say? Have you guys EVER dated other people at all? Maybe a part of him wishes he had more experience before settling down. But yea relationships take work, patience, compassion, understanding, along with so many other aspects. I wish I had more to say to help you out! Have you guys thought about counseling? Maybe now is the time. I hope everything works out for you two and I'm sorry you have so much on your plate right now.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 300mgs
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

[Yoda]

How was the relationship prior to your father's and your illness? I can see how the recent stressors could be overwhelming for both you and your husband. Not quite sure what the answer is but maybe spend couple time bonding and also alone time with buddies to be more "normal".

[ChipperMonkey]

Counseling is a must.

However, for the time being, I'd try to work it out with him.

I don't think it's fair to hold his thoughts against him in a time of extreme stress.

If things don't improve, then work on an exit strategy. But for now, work on fixing what you have.

[Trippin2.0]

Sometimes we hyper-focus on the emotions the words trigger instead of the message being delivered.

Sure, it sounded like an assholian thing for your husband to say, but as you're well aware, the good news is that he said it.

Once communication is shot to hell, then there's very little hope, but at least you two are talking, even if hurtful things are being said.

Cheating, leaving, he won't, so don't worry about that happening tomorrow.

He wouldn't warn you he's about to cheat, that makes no sense, because that's a secretive act. He's describing how desperate the situation has become in his head, sounds like a cry for help.

Escape, from the weight on his shoulders maybe, but not particularly from you...

Life gets overwhelming and some of us, we get this urge to run, to escape, just to catch a damn break or even just our breath. Not because we have stopped loving or wanting our loved ones, but because we need some room to breath, some me time, a slot, a space, dedicated just to us.

I'm not trying to minimize how hurtful your argument / conversation with your husband went, but I have been in very similar shoes, and I couldn't even voice mine, because it's not a trusted partner I wanted to "escape" from, it was my widowed mother and my very own daughter... Shameful much?

I'm not saying stuff your feelings in a box and put him first, all I'm saying is, give him a fair chance, and try and listen to what he's going through and what he may need at this time.

Then figure out how to make both of you happy.

[Softballjunkie8]

Thank you all soooo very much for the replies. They are very helpful. Before all this stress we had a pretty good relationship. We were also like bestfriends.
Since the blow up he has been a little edgy but he is still being honest. We talked about everything and he said he just wants to be able to have fun and not have to come home and stress all the time. I still have a some issues with him mentioning the cheating. He told me that he was just telling me all the thoughts that were running through his mind. He kind of downplays it but it still concerns me. I know I have been hypersensitive since it happen. Looking for any "signs" that something far more horrible could be going on. I really have to work on this.
Tonight he went with his brother to have a few beers. I stayed home so he can have some space and I can recover from the stressful events!

[healingme4me]

After reading your update, I think the mention of having reached a point where cheating was one thought says that he's missing some other relationship needs. Something emotional not physical, to be clear.
The two of you could be too emmeshed, individual aspects blurred, unheard, etc. Etc.

Are either or both of you in therapy?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I really think perhaps giving each other a bit of "me" time in order to just re-solidify yourselves as who ypu are individually as well as communicating with each other as you have been doing will help solidify the relationship - also, take time out occasionally to have a "date night" with each other and reconnect - just because you're married to each other doesn't mean you can't still "date" each other You need to de-stress, communicate and find each other and yourselves again.