I'm lost... I fell in love with an alcoholic.

"The part that worries me is, a drunk speaks the truth. "

A more accurate way of stating this is, "...a drunk speaks HIS(or her)truth."
The problem and the insanity of the disease is when the sober person starts buying into the drunk's version of reality. That's why those in recovery advise you not to argue with someone who is intoxicated. You will get frustrated and they will not remember. This has been proven to me time and time again. End the conversation as soon as possible using your assertiveness skills.

I'm so sorry for all you've gone through. I fell in love with a drunk, too, and he hid it from me until he no longer could. I know now the man didn't give a flying crap about me because after he sobered up he couldn't remember anything and just ended our relationship by never talking to me again. It hurt really bad and it took quite awhile to get over, I think about 4 years now. Sometimes it still bothers me when I think of how he just used me and didn't care at all. I hate to say it but it sounds like the guy you are seeing is just as bad. I won't tell you what to do. All I can tell you is that if you meet anyone else who is better than him feel free to leave him.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and I made the choice to detox in May. I know if I was still drinking, my bf would of left. I'd wake up early in the morn shaking and I'd grab a drink. I couldn't do it at home by myself because my dr said it was too dangerous so I detoxed at a local hospital. I would give him two simple choices. You or the booze. And that's that. Don't you want a nice future with him and your child together? If you're serious about him then tell him to get help and voice your concerns. If he's waking up in the morn sick like that then he can't quit cold turkey. Alcohol withdrawal is very dangerous.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 300mgs
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

OMG. Please do not let this guy back into your life, bed, or head.

BTDt. My first husband was an alcoholic and hideously emotionally abusive (which was MY fault, doncha know) and after 3 mo of marriage, became physically battering as well. (Also MY fault o'course).

Drunks do not speak the truth. Drunks speak alchobabble -- power trips & blame games & emotional blackmail. My late sister went thru 13 years of it, with an accomplished charming liar. It broke her.

Please be safe.

I think the most accurate saying I've heard (from an alcoholic) is "a drunk person speaks a sober mind"


Which means they mean every word they say, but they can only say it super drunk.

Here is something I have noticed over the years that you might find helpful.

People who are alcoholics often appear, when sober, charming, entertaining, thoughtful, wonderful, caring considerate people, seemingly more so than other people. It seems. Until you see the flip side, when they turn mean and inconsiderate, hateful and hate-filled, hurtful and demanding and abusive.

The reason why these people can appear so perfect at first is because they are not living authentic lives. They're going to get drunk and all the stored-up petty stuff that irritates the average person and rubs the shiny perfect corners off the personality of the well-adjusted on a daily and temporary and easy to shrug off basis will come pouring out of the alcoholic at about the rate they are pouring booze down their throats.

Any man who appears 'perfect' not only isn't perfect, but is likely to be hiding something with the hope that his shiny exterior will hide his rotten secrets. Your husband hid his mistress; this boyfriend hid his alcoholism.

Ditch this guy and spend some time figuring out why you think you need perfect in your life (because there is no such thing). Resolve to go slow with anyone new in your life, and particularly listen to how they talk and react to petty annoyances. If someone opens your car door and almost everyone you know does not, in other words, if this is no longer the cultural norm where you live--mention it and see what he says in return. I've learned the most interesting (but not necessarily attractive) bits about people's characters just by asking some nonchalant questions and listening to the answers and seeing the person's expression and mannerisms while he or she talks. I'm not talking about grilling someone. I mean engaging the person in conversation to get to know their core personality, not the surface stuff that most anyone can do on a few dates. I knew someone who was a raging alcoholic. I realize now that there were distinct clues to his raging, exacting, mean, hateful personality in his 'sober' conversation. The biggest one was he was too perfect when he was sober. By the way, he claimed to be in recovery.

I would be loathe to allow someone to sleep over, too. Just as you should be watching how the other person talks and reacts, that person is doing the same to you (either consciously or unconsciously). You don't want to appear too accommodating, too willing to put up with any behavior, too willing to allow someone to come into your personal space and heart. Alcoholics and other addicted people are always on the lookout for people like this because they need and want others to support them in their addictions (whether financially, emotionally, or both).

It is telling that your female friend is a problem drinker, as well. Is there alcoholism or addicted behavior in your family background? People tend to seek out -- often unconsciously -- the kind of behavior with which they are familiar. You deserve better. But that doesn't mean perfection. Your therapist can help you sort this differentiation out.

There is a lot of wisdom in the post above. We get duped by people because, to some extent, we want to believe in something that we should know isn't real. These people give us the fantasy that they sense we are seeking.

I am amazed at how many threads there gave been in this forum where the original poster starts off by saying "in the beginning, everything was perfect." IceCreanKid is right . . . that should be the first tip off that something is phoney. Anything that seems almost too good to be true probably isn't.

Hi everyone,
It's been awhile since I've posted I realize. I do apologize for that, it's been a crazy latter part of the week/weekend. Thank you for the outpouring of support, I greatly appreciate it.

I've still not completely rid my life of this man, and I can't even tell you why - other than, I am AFRAID. I'm afraid of delving back into that deep dark place I went, when my Ex walked out on son and I. I don't want to go there. I told my therapist this, and he said "You don't have to". Well, thanks. All that told me was, you control that - you can, if you let yourself. Well I don't trust myself to control anything like that, it was such a scary, dark, lonely place. I don't want to even see a little bit of it.

So, of course he's still lingering around b.c it's hard for me - but, I keep distance as we both have kids through the week (and it's easy to make excuses like, well it's a school night - and he actually says this more than I do, so it works for us). But... I will say, I have told him - I need to see a change, and I can't tell you where we will end up, if I don't. I went into more than just that, but it's the jist of it.

I found out, he's talking to an old high school sweetheart on FB. He had me go on his FB this past Thurs, and do something w/ his privacy settings that he didn't know how to do, but I did. So he asked me to. I did it from my home computer, as he texted me to do this. He gave me permission, he actually told me to do it. Gave me his PW and everything. Well, of course I was "messaged" instantly by this woman, her thinking it was him I suppose - and I just didn't reply - but, I was jealous enough I guess, to go read what they talked about previously b/c my red flags were on high alert at this point. And, I'm glad I did.

He is basically telling her, all this crazy **** about me. Untrue stuff. Complete lies. Then, basically giving this woman the impression that - he misses her without actually saying it, asking her if she's ever heard of such and such a restaurant - that they should go sometime, telling her - she's always been pretty and still is. Blah blah blah. I quit reading, when I saw that he asked for her phone #, and then said "Can I call you?" - I stopped. I was fuming.

Of course I confronted him on it, and he said "Well, you hurt my feelings that night, you really made me mad -- and, I was only reaching out to a FRIEND, b/c you hurt my feelings, and I was mad at you". But, he's basically said - he will never stop talking to her. They're friends, and I can't control who he talks to. I said you're right, I can't. But... you're drawing the line when you make up stories about me, and then call her, and ask her to dinner. He said, No it's not.

So, now I'm in this position of. OK.. did I DRIVE him to do that, by making him mad that night? I don't think I did make him mad, but he claims I did. I don't even remember making him mad. But, maybe I did w/ a stupid comment or something - who knows.

The point is, now... he refuses to tell this woman, what he said about me is untrue. He says, I'm not going to do it. So... I think I've basically lost this guy to another woman at this point. Or at least some emotional affair of some sort. So, now that is reason #2, to leave the jerk. Right?

Should I just stop it all, and just cut the ties before anything else happens? I mean, I should have before.... But, I was hurting and depressed and didn't. Now, it hurts even worse b/c of this other woman. Just like my ex husband did to me.

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope!!! Do not take responsibility for HIS actions. We do not drive people to do things. That is just his addict brain trying to blame everything he says and does on other people. Even if he's mad, what he does is his responsibility and his choice, PERIOD.

I would block him on social media, send his number straight to voicemail, whatever it takes to stop talking to him. You can get addicted to people you know, even to the drama. Think of it this way, if you were an alcoholic wanting to quit, would you keep just a little bit of booze in the house and sip on it every once in a while? No you would pour it all out and not have alcohol in this house. Don't talk to him even a little and if you feel you can't stop yourself make it impossible to. Once I deleted someone out of my phone so I couldn't text them. Sometimes we just have to do what we know is healthiest for us when we have the strength to, so that later we can't take it back.

I'd follow DBTDiva's advice. Lose this jerk's contact information. If you have not told your therapist what you have written here, do so as soon as possible. You need to address your self-defeating behavior sooner rather than later. I don't think you are "in love" with the alcoholic as you are this unhealthy script that you seem heck bent on re-enacting.

What do you mean, I'm bent on reenacting this script? I don't think I understand what you're saying.

I think, the problem is... I'm vulnerable after losing my ex husband - and looked for love, and thought I found it. To the point, like DBT said - I've become addicted to this guy for some reason, not b.c he's healthy for me - but b/c he's there. That is no way.

He's been crazy recently, I'm ignoring him now and have been since yesterday. He goes hot/cold within seconds. I think he has more than just alcoholic problem. I don't know, maybe he is bipolar as well. I'm not familiar with it, so don't know.

That is not bipolar. Maybe borderline.

You need to be in therapy. I know it is hard to forget someone you care about and it may take you a lot of time. But you need to examine why you have low self-esteem.