[jasmine30]

Hi, I'm sorry for the long post ahead; please skip it if you don't have a few minutes to spare.
English is my third language, so I apologize for my not perfect English grammars.

Now to the questions..
Sometimes I come across articles online say that "Arguing can make relationship healthier.", "Arguments can be healthy for marriage.", "Arguing can be the key to a long and happy relationship.", etc...
I thought this can be something that can be discuss about---Do arguments make relationship/marriage healthier? Are arguments helpful in a relationship/marriage?

Sometimes a little arguments here and there is not always bad right? It can help to learn more about each others difference, as we learn to compromise more with each others as we go.
Can you help by share with me your story and your experience in your marriage, did arguments help your marriage? Does arguments make your relationship/marriage healthier like what those online articles say?

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The problem is me and my husband we just don't argue. He never pick fights with me, he just won't argue with me.. NEVER once he raise his voice on me, let alone have arguments with me.
Our marriage is peaceful, too peaceful. When we live with each others prior to marriage, we didn't argue. After we married, we still haven't argue, at all.

My husband is the type of guy that have No problem with facing his own emotions. He strongly believes in communication, talk it out together and solve the problem together.
He always says "Baby, talk to me".. He wants me and him--both make the effort to communicate to each others.
Any argument/disagreement will not bring it to our bedroom or hold off till next day or weekend.

He is the type of husband that believe in: We will wait till after the kids sleep, and we will sit down on the dinner table calmly talk about the problems and work it out together.
He doesn't want to bring any arguments into the bedroom, he make sure he see my smile before we go to sleep.
He do try everything he can to make me happy.

He is a very level headed, it nearly impossible to tip his balance scale. Frankly I'm a very difficult girl to live with, I can be exhausted. But he very patience and very understanding, he just a very balance guy.
When we don't see eye to eye on things, he calmly say his preference, he just very calm.

He works long hours. I always cook dinner wait for him home, we do eat dinner together and talk. I wash dishes, he cleans the kitchen. He help me wash dishes too.
Afterwards he watch News, and we go to bed at the same time. We also wake up at the same time, we eat breakfast together before he leave to work.

He is an affectionate husband; when he home he always give random kisses. Intimacy/sex is fine between us too.
He help around the house, he do all the heavy cleaning and maintenance around the house. He the one that voluntary do all the vacuum, and bathroom cleaning.

Because he works long hours, we both put in the effort to spend time together as much as we can. When we in bed, we communicate/talks to each others. He talks to me about everything.. We talk about random daily things, and we both laugh, we giggles.

He the type that have nothing to hide.
When he home from work, when we together, he always leaves the phone out in the open. He makes calls, receive calls, and talk on the phone in front of me. I let me hear him talk on the phone.
He always voluntary let me know his whereabouts, without me even have to ask him. He let me know his everyday working schedules, if he have to work late/more hours. What he be doing tomorrow/where he be going tomorrow, he always let me know ahead of time.

I don't think my husband have a communication problem, right? Do he have a communication problem?
I guess there isn't anything much for us fight about, our days is very simple.
He is an awsome husband, he secure everything emotionally and financially. He always respect me, and treats me really well.
He does make it clear that he strongly believe in communication, communication in relationship/marriage is very important to him.

Due to we just don't argue or fight, I admit sometimes I wonder if my marriage is normal or not. Other couples out there argue, why don't we argue? Are we not normal?

I didn't have a good childhood. My mother was verbally and emotionally abusive, she also very controlling and very critical. I guess because I grow up in a dysfunctional childhood, for me arguments means happy.. I don't know why I keep try to find faults in my marriage when there probably isn't any.

My older brother say he sees nothing wrong with how my marriage is, he thinks we simply have a peaceful marriage.. But I don't know why I keep thinking that we need arguments in order for our marriage to be normal, to be in the 'norms'.
I guess my normal meter is indeed very broken :-(

[Trippin2.0]

Arguing is only normal if you have something to actually argue about.


Picking fights is not normal behavior, its unhealthy, so I would not be complaining about a husband that doesn't pick a fight, because THAT'S just not normal or good.


Arguing can be good as it teaches couples how to "fight fair", but like I mentioned above, if there's no reason to fight, why look for a reason????????


Stop looking for signs that your marriage is abnormal, there's no such thing as normal, people are all different and relationship dynamics differ too depending on the parties involved.


My ex and I argued alot, we were both very volatile people, yet my bf and I never argue, we just disagree and discuss, he brings out the calm in me. I'm certainly not complaining, drama is overrated, pointless and exhausting, calm is awesome!!!!


By the amount of times you've posted about this topic it seems you are extremely preoccupied with needing to argue with your husband....


I think you need to focus on why instead of trying to start arguments or spending your days wishing he would start one.


Be careful what you wish for, you just may get it.


Then you'll be posting about how miserable your marriage is and how you two don't get along at all.


Best to focus your energy on being happy and thankful that you have a happy marriage.


Too many people don't have that luxury, just read through this board....

[ChipperMonkey]

Arguing can be good in terms of conflict resolution BUT it's not the only avenue to conflict resolution.

My guess?

Your marriage is SO different than what you're used to that it feels foreign and strange to you. That doesn't mean it's wrong!

It sounds like you have a marriage that many would be envious of!

[jasmine30]

Thank you for the replies. I know everyone time is precious, so thank you for spare a minute of your time for reply.. Happy weekend, and early Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

Actually there was one time that we argue, but it was just me argue. He just quietly listen.
I'm the one that not calm, I'm easily prone to anxiety. It was me that yell and scream at him.

Last time there something we quite don't see eye to eye on, I yell at him, I keep yell and scream at him. And he just sit there listen and listen, and let me yell and talk until I run out of words.
He doesn't talk back a single word. He doesn't say anything, he just quiet and listen.. He very calm. He sit there look at me yell and scream at him without talk a word back.
Is he doing this all wrong?

After I no longer can yell and calm down. I realized I was wrong, so I apologize and said sorry to him. I thought he would be mad at me.
He hugs me and calmly said it is okay, and he not mad at me. He said he understand, that why he just quietly listen to me yell and talk, and not say a word.
I feel terrible for treat him that way. It only happen that time, I told myself NOT to do that again.

Well, after I'm done yelling, I calm down and we talk it out. He really patience and understanding, he never blame me for yelling. He just let me yell till I'm done, and afterwards he talk it out together.

I dunno if this is just his personality, he just so calm. He always let me have things my way so I can be happy. However, he does speak up his preference. Or when we don't agree or something, he does speak up why he doesn't agree.
BUT then at the end, 95% of the time me he let me have it my way so I can be happy.

I dunno if this is just how he is, or he suppress himself so I can be happy? That what I'm worried about.

[butterfly.princess]

I believe that arguing can be healthy because it means that there is communication between the two of you. If you are both communicating openly there are bound to be some issues you don't agree on. Arguing doesn't have to mean raising voices and going to bed upset. If you are both communicating about things, talking about feelings, trying to make things work, then there is no problem.

I know it is hard to trust you "what is right" meter when you grew up in a house where fighting, yelling and name calling is the norm. I am the same way. But try not to find ways to fix something that isn't broken.

Some really great replies here. The ones that resonate with me are to stop looking for something that is wrong in the relationship, and to refrain from picking a fight just for the sake of having an argument.

Frankly I think a relationship with no arguments - one where feelings and 'life' is discussed - is very healthy

My fiance and I don't fight or argue. We communicate. Its foreign to me as previous relationships were very toxic.

Don't go looking for what isn't there! Be happy you have a loving and patient husband. A lot of women don't. Don't try to fix what isn't broken.

Enjoy your life!

[jasmine30]

Originally Posted by HisPresence

Thank you for the replies. I know everyone time is precious, so thank you for spare a minute of your time for reply.. Happy weekend, and early Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

Actually there was one time that we argue, but it was just me argue. He just quietly listen.
I'm the one that not calm, I'm easily prone to anxiety. It was me that yell and scream at him.

Last time there something we quite don't see eye to eye on, I yell at him, I keep yell and scream at him. And he just sit there listen and listen, and let me yell and talk until I run out of words.
He doesn't talk back a single word. He doesn't say anything, he just quiet and listen.. He very calm. He sit there look at me yell and scream at him without talk a word back.
Is he doing this all wrong?

After I no longer can yell and calm down. I realized I was wrong, so I apologize and said sorry to him. I thought he would be mad at me.
He hugs me and calmly said it is okay, and he not mad at me. He said he understand, that why he just quietly listen to me yell and talk, and not say a word.
I feel terrible for treat him that way. It only happen that time, I told myself NOT to do that again.

Well, after I'm done yelling, I calm down and we talk it out. He really patience and understanding, he never blame me for yelling. He just let me yell till I'm done, and afterwards he talk it out together.

I dunno if this is just his personality, he just so calm. He always let me have things my way so I can be happy. However, he does speak up his preference. Or when we don't agree or something, he does speak up why he doesn't agree.
BUT then at the end, 95% of the time me he let me have it my way so I can be happy.

I dunno if this is just how he is, or he suppress himself so I can be happy? That what I'm worried about.

My reply on #4. I ask because it have been on my mind. Also because I believe that when a couple don't fight, it probably mean one spouse suppress themself, and resentment might build up over time.

Is this normal for a guy? Is he going to feel resentment over time? Is he suppress himself? Or am I over-analytical, over-thinking again?

[divine1966]

I don't think anyone on here could answer what's your guy is feeling. Did you ask him?

My BF is very laid back and never argues. Same is my son in law. My brother is pretty mellow most of the time so are both my nephews. It's not uncommon. Not every couple fights or has drama. But it clearly bothers you so did you try to explore why does it bother you? Do you feel like you are missing something?

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[ChipperMonkey]

I was worried when you said that he would just sit there and not say a word....UNTIL you go to the part where you said he would then calmly discuss things with you and you'd work things out. I think this is GREAT!

Maybe you get a bit frustrated because you are a bit more emotionally charged and somehow need that bit of conflict? Me, personally, knowing my own personality....yeah, I'd get frustrated if someone didn't fight back. (Then again I'm not the most functional person in this regard!) I'm just saying this because I think I know where you're coming from. Ugh, I have a guy friend who is much the same....won't get very emotional about anything.....UNTIL I push him too far, and then he'll explode on me. I didn't realize I was doing this until later when I discovered that I'd purposely push him too far b/c that's when I'd see some sort of spark of emotion from him. Otherwise, its hard to see his emotions. Anyway....

[divine1966]

It could also be how you were raised. If you were raised by very dramatic parents you might think that's normal and be surprised when there is no drama . My dad is very argumentative. But not every man is

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[jasmine30]

Thank you for the replies, appreciated, thank you.

To ChipperMonkey, my husband have emotions. He the type of guy that have no problem facing his own emotions.
Problem is, the way he solve conflicts kindda bother me. I feel that as a "MAN", he should talk back to me, told me that as a wife I can't keep yell and scream at him in his face nonstop like that.. You know what I'm trying to say?
In my Chinese culture, a wife cannot yell and scream at her husband face like that.

Like what I said in the last page, when I yell and scream at him, he worries about me, I can see the worried looks in his eyes. BUT then he just sit there quietly, and look at me yell and scream without say a word. Basically, he let me yell and talk blah blah until I run out of words.

After he saw I calm down, he started talking to me. And he calmly talk out the problem and work it out together.
He does speak up his viewpoints, he does speak up why he doesn't agree with me. But then like I say at the end 95%he let me have things "my" way so I can be happy.

He wasn't mad at me when I scream at him, he said he understand and that I don't need to apologize.
He thinks that when I'm mad yell and scream, it best that he should just be quiet and listen, and let me yell it all out.. Once I'm done yell and calm down, he will start talk to me and work it out together.
You see? this is the way he solve conflicts, arg!!

NEVER once he tell me to Shut up.
NEVER oncde he raise his voice on me.
He NEVER call me any mean words. The most meanest word he ever call me is "Silly"; which is true, I do do silly things in front of him.. And the word silly is not that mean, out of plenty of other words out there that he could have call me.
I heard of women complain that their DH call them the 'B' word and "C" word. So I'm darn glad that my husband only call me Silly.

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okay, I'm going to explain why I worried about him might build up resentment.

In our relationship, since day one I'm very upfront with him. I lay everything out on the table for him to see, I want to be FAIR to him.. He knows everything about my emotional baggage from my childhood, he knows all about my abusive mother.
He also know about my mother disapproval of him. He knows it all, and it he accepted it all.
He make it work, despite our huge cultural difference.
Thanks to him for always want to communicate. For us, clearly it 'communication' that helps us. There no secrets, I lay everything out on the table.

Why my mother disapproved him? It NOT his fault, because my mother is rigid and closed-minded.
I'm Chinese. And he from Sierra Leone, West Africa.
I think you get the point, no need to bluntly say out why my mom didn't approve him. It obvious 'why' my mom is disapproved him, it SOLELY because his skin color.

Anyways, he knows all about my mother discrimination against him, but it doesn't seem to bother him.
He married me knowing he won't have a mother in-law, knowing he won't have any in-laws at all. He accepted that.
He married knowing our future childrent won't have any maternal grandma, won't have any maternal grandparents side at all. He accepted that too.
He accepted it all, he knows exactly what he getting into. He doesn't want to give up on us, he asked me not to give up on us.

He said he doesn't care what my mother says or thinks of him. He just wants to concentrate on us, concentrate on our little family.
I don't know, I admit I do worried alot that resentment might build up over time. I guess I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop? You know what I mean?

I have no regrets married him. I chose him over my mother, my mom completely cut me off after I got married. I have no regrets, I do love him.
He also said he have no regrets married me. I asked him many times, and he says he happy, and he wants to 'stay married.'

Like I say, our marriage have been peaceful, tooo peaceful. We don't even argue or fight.
Well, accept that one time that we argue, but it was just 'ME' argue. He just quietly listen. And since I'm the only one that do the yelling and screaming, I don't know if this qualify as "WE" fighting.

I dunno, I feel that I'm must waiting for the other shoe to drop. You know?

[divine1966]

Trust me decent men do not tell their wives or girlfriends to shut up and certainly do not call them b,,,, or c..... Women you probably heard complaining are in abusive relationships. This is not the norm. You are not describing anything unique or unusual when you talk about your nice husband. I
Think you need to relax. Enjoy your marriage

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[jasmine30]

Originally Posted by HisPresence

Problem is, the way he solve conflicts kindda bother me. I feel that as a "MAN", he should talk back to me, told me that as a wife I can't keep yell and scream at him in his face nonstop like that.. You know what I'm trying to say?
In my Chinese culture, a wife cannot yell and scream at her husband face like that.

Like what I said in the last page, when I yell and scream at him, he worries about me, I can see the worried looks in his eyes. BUT then he just sit there quietly, and look at me yell and scream without say a word. Basically, he let me yell and talk blah blah until I run out of words.

After he saw I calm down, he started talking to me. And he calmly talk out the problem and work it out together.
He does speak up his viewpoints, he does speak up why he doesn't agree with me. But then like I say at the end 95%he let me have things "my" way so I can be happy.

He wasn't mad at me when I scream at him, he said he understand and that I don't need to apologize.
He thinks that when I'm mad yell and scream, it best that he should just be quiet and listen, and let me yell it all out.. Once I'm done yell and calm down, he will start talk to me and work it out together.
You see? this is the way he solve conflicts, arg!!

NEVER once he tell me to Shut up.
NEVER oncde he raise his voice on me.
He NEVER call me any mean words. The most meanest word he ever call me is "Silly"; which is true, I do do silly things in front of him.. And the word silly is not that mean, out of plenty of other words out there that he could have call me.
I heard of women complain that their DH call them the 'B' word and "C" word. So I'm darn glad that my husband only call me Silly.

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And I want to added to this.
I feel that as a "MAN", he needs to speak up, or at least say 'HisPresence you cannot yell and scream at me like that'.. But Nope, he just be quiet and listen to I yell and talk until I run out of words.

He thinks that when I'm mad yell and scream, it best that he should just be quiet and listen, and let me yell it all out.. Once I'm done yell and calm down, he will start talk to me and work it out together.
This is the way he solve conflicts, and I feel that as a man, he should speak up.

I know he CAPABLE of argue. He have two relationships prior met me, his second relationship was a dead serious long term that almost lead to marriage. He loves that ex-GF alot alot. But he said they have alot of differences, and he sick and tired of all the fighting and argueing that he just can't do it anymore; that was why they part their ways.
He clearly know how to argue, he argue alot with that ex-GF of his. So why not argue with me? arg!

[Trippin2.0]

You clearly don't listen to yourself speak, its evident in your posting because you've answered your own question loud and clear.


He and his ex argued so much it DESTROYED their relationship.


So obviously he wont want to argue with you unnecessarily and risk having your marriage fall apart.


Are you ever going to let this go and just accept that you have a good husband and a good marriage?


Or are you going to keep complaining about how perfect your relationship is?


Honestly, I don't intend to sound mean but your husband sounds like he has the patience of a saint, because even I am getting frustrated with you and I don't have to live with you.


I will kindly bow out of this thread now as I cannot spend my time repeating myself to someone who refuses to hear me.


No malicious intent, I assure you, I just have to draw the line somewhere for my own sanity.


I wish you and your marriage all the happiness life has to offer.

[avlady]

i think you 2 were made for each other!!

[divine1966]

I think you might want to address your need for arguing. And what's with yelling and screaming. Honestly rather than addressing why and how he is nice why not focus on your need for drama and arguments? Are you in therapy?

Interesting that you thank people for their posts but then post exactly same question again almost like you never even read posts you thanked. I am not sure how to help you with all this. So far every post you has was complaining about your husband even before you two got married. Unless you aren't telling us something, he seems like a nice man to me. I'll leave it at that

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[jasmine30]

As a "MAN", he should be able to speak up for himself. When a wife yell at him, he should say: "You cannot yell at me", or at least say "It not right to keep yell and scream at my face."
He capable of argue, he capable of raise his voice, just like he argue and raise his voice at that ex-GF of his. Then do it to me too, don't be quiet just because he wants to keep the marriage happy, that will build up resentment.

I know stomp out of the house is not the answer. But he sure can walk out of the door and leave the house, and come back when I calm down. He doesn't have to sit there, and look at me yell and scream at him.
There ladies that told me when they yell, their DH would go into the bedroom and close the door. Why can't my husband do that too? He clearly can go to the bedroom and close the door. He doesn't have to sit there, and look at me yell and scream at him.

Even when I don't yell and just talk, like when we don't see eyes to eyes on things; he still let me speak first, and he just quietly listen. When I'm done speaking, then he started to talk his viewpoints and explain why he disagree with me.
He doesn't engage in a screaming match with me, he doesn't even engage in a debate with me. He always let me speak first, and he speak after when I'm done talking.. I know he listening, because he looks at me as I yell and talk, I know he listening to what I'm saying. I mean I can see the worries look on his face, but he just so calm in dealing with it.
It make me frustrated, because I feel that he not man enough.

Men are the leader of the house, men make the main decision, men tell their wife what is right and wrong. Men don't be quiet and let their wife yell and scream at them without say a word back.. I'm just trying to get my husband to act more like a man here.

I will be frank here okay, I'm sorry if this offended anyone. But I myself personally do NOT like men who scare of their wife. I do NOT have any respest for men who scare of their wife.
I didn't married a guy who scare of his wife, I married a "Street smart" guy who able to stand up for himself. I married a 'Street smart' guy who have strength of character, who doesn't let anyone step on him.

I told my husband this, last time I explain to him that I don't like men who scare of their wife. I don't want him to be scare of me. He answered, he said he not scare of me. He said he doesn't fight or argue with me it because he loves me. Because he chose to married me, because I'm his wife.
And he said he have nothing to be embarrassed about that he sit there quietly listen, and let his wife yell and talk it all out.. He explained that even if he talks, I'm too mad to listen and see his point of view anyways. So he thinks that it better that he let me talk it all out first, and then he will start talking afterward.. He thinks when I calm down, I will listen and understand him more.
Yeah, that his reasoning, if it make sense? I dunno why, but his reasoning make me frustrated!

And therapy, I am in therapy trying to work out my emotional childhood baggage regarding my abusive mother in my childhood.
But I don't need therapy for 'is argument healthy or not', because I have my own opinion in how I think a 'Man' should be.
And I think my husband is not being man enough, at least not in my definition of what a man is.

Do I love him? Sure I do, I chose him over my whole family. In Chinese culture, not many girls have the strength to chose a guy over their WHOLE family, and let their family disown them. But I have the strength to chose him, I don't care that my family disown me, he was more important, I love him, I need him.
I just I wish he would act more like a "man". And yes, I'm frustrated.
The marriage have been so peaceful, tooo peaceful.. I just wish if he would fight or argue with me just for once, then I won't have be this frustrated.

Welp, I guess there nothing left to say here. Obviously we all have different viewpoints on arguments. I find arguments is healthy. When a couple stop argue, that when they stop care.
I think my marriage need arguing, I think that he suppress himself. Hopefully one of us won't build up resentment over time.

[Confusedinomicon]

I think that you don't see whatever as arguing, but it is? You don't need to scream in order to fight. Fighting/Arguing just means that there is a disagreement. Also if he was scared of you he would not just sit there and take your screaming and wait until you're calm before calmly speaking to you about what he has rationalized. If he was honestly scared of you he wouldn't share his opinions.

Maybe you are also internalizing your emotional abuse from childhood and expecting norms you saw as a child in your own relationship. There could be a cultural expectation of a "man" acting a certain way that you are trying to put on your husband. Dramas are not good representations of what healthy relationships look like too.