Husband texting female coworker...

lavendersage · Nov 11, 2015, 11:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DBTDiva

Ok he knows where his boundaries are but do YOU know? I don't see the harm in having a conversation along the lines of "what do you consider cheating?" Especially if he doesn't "believe" in emotional affairs which is BS. I can "not believe" in cars, it doesn't make them less real. Some men, and women for that matter, think that you have to have full on sexual intercourse to cheat. Is a kiss cheating? Is oral sex cheating? I knew someone once who thought getting was ok but giving was not... If you aren't on the same page as your partner it can cause huge issues.

Not wanting her to know he's married? HUGE GIGANTIC RED FLAG. Huge. Why the hell would be not want her to know?? I can't think of a legitimate excuse for that.

Nothing about your reaction is silly. He's ridiculous to tell you that you have to trust him to not do what you already know he's doing. He has to actually STOP DOING it for you to begin to trust him again. What he's really saying is that you're inconveniencing him with this because it's working really well for him to have this flirtation + you.

You are right that he's made it clear that no matter what you say or do he's going to text her. He's made it very clear that how you feel doesn't matter. It's not controlling to ask him to stop behavior that is bothering you. Asking him questions about it constantly will just lead to more conflict and he's already flat out lying to you so why keep asking? He will just keep lying. At this point you can't fix the relationship and make it work on your own, you both have to be invested. Regardless as to whether it's an affair, this is damaging your relationship so he can either a.) stop the texting and reinvest in your relationship, b.) continue texting and you just accept it because you want to stay married, or c.) end the marriage. You're at an impass.

My opinion - this is an affair, he's choosing texting her over your feelings and objections so he's made his choice. He would love to have his cake and eat it too, so you can decide if you want to put up with his s*** or give him an ultimatum. My dad had an emotional affair with a woman at work and my mother made him quit his job. Extreme, and it didn't fix their issues but it did eliminate the woman! If it were me, I'd say it's me or her, you can't have us both. If he refuses to choose, that's a decision, GTFO.

Diva: yeah, there's no doubt, we're sisters.

To the original poster: I am so sorry you are going through this. My Nan (grandmother) used to say "there's no room for 3 heads on a pillow".

I know what I would do if I were you, but you have to decide.

ChipperMonkey · Nov 11, 2015, 11:28 PM

If she doesn't know he's married....if/WHEN she finds out, she may very well flip her lid!

Just because he's willing to show you his phone....doesn't really mean squat. Its only two weeks in so this "emotional affair" is probably still in the innocent phase. However, at this point, he knows that if things go too far, he's going to have to delete the texts. I wouldn't put much stock into the fact that he's shown you the messages up to this point. (And, he may have been thinking ahead and may have been deleting the ones that go to far all along!)

Its quite telling that he says he doesn't believe in emotional affairs! (This is EXACTLY the kind of person who is liable to fall into one. That is, "cheating" is only sex....Uhm, nope! The emotional part is by far more devastating.)

I hate to say it, but I meet guys like yours.....forms "friendships" with women but fails to mention the fact that they're otherwise attached. Guys don't get it....I don't want to know if they're married/engaged/whatever so that I can move in, I want to know their status so that I know my own personal boundaries. I won't EVER push the boundaries with a married man. (And this is precisely the reason I only have 1 married male friend......he's the only married guy I've known who keeps things strictly on the friends side of things.)

Can you drop by his office in order to surprise him for lunch? Send him flowers? Anything to make it clear to this other woman that he's married? I hate to say to resort to such *devious* means, but TBH, if he's not willing to tell people.....WOMEN.....that he's married, I think your marriage is over.

divine1966 · Nov 12, 2015, 05:53 AM

He never told her he is married so they aren't really friends because she would know if he is married, friends don't hide it. There is a reason he hid it and went on with this texting with a woman who assumes he is single. Not for friendship. Honestly this is very bad. I would be done with him. There is no hope. He lies. By omission or not but he is a liar.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Nov 12, 2015, 11:39 AM

You have access to his phone. Get her number text her from yours or call even and let her know you are his wife. Invasion of privacy my *****. This is betrayal on his part.

iwonderaboutstuff · Nov 12, 2015, 06:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Softballjunkie8

Ya the only thing that has kept me from totally not believing him is he did tell me about her and let me read the messages. I have been thinking long and hard about the last week and I think he has been sending me "Signals" for a few months. He mentioned he needed "me" time about 3 months ago. I have been so wrapped up in my own grief about my father passing I think I might have been neglecting his emotions.

I think he also might be a tad depressed. I know that doesn't justify everything but he sometimes he mentions he's sad...I ask him why and he downplays it.

I know we need counseling but he is totally against any kind of therapy/counseling. I have asked why before and he told me that he can handle his problems on his own.

Maybe he'd appreciate hearing that... that you've been thinking long and hard about the last week and you think you might have been neglecting his emotions, missing his "signals" because you've been so wrapped up in your own grief about your father's passing. Consider identifying this women/texting as a "symptom" and reference that good long talk you had not long ago about working on the relationship (you felt good and hopeful!). Bring the focus, and energy, back to the life you two have together, the love. You've known this guy since you were 15. If those years of experience tell you he deserves the benefit of the doubt, give it to him and tell him that. Also good to reiterate your own fragile emotional state and you need him to be more sensitive to your needs too.

You're in the middle of some big emotional stuff - be kind to yourself. I don't know how this is going to go for you. I do know that there's a lot to be said for knowing you did/are doing everything you can for the relationship.

lavendersage · Nov 17, 2015, 07:35 PM

Softballjunkie8 - How are you? How are things going (if you are comfortable letting us know)

Nov 18, 2015, 08:29 AM

Softball - I'm really interested to know how you are doing. Based on personal experience I am really concerned.

I believe you have two options. One leave, two live with this form of infidelity.

I thought I could live with it with my ex husband. I caught him repeatedly and was repeatedly told there was nothing wrong. I had reasons to suspect he was meeting these women offline. When we went to couseling and the therapist told him outright his behaviour was not appropriate he stormed off. When I left he almost immediately moved a woman in. I suspect she had been one of his many internet 'friends'

I wasted 16 years taking a back seat to his 'friendships'.

Here's this thought for you. Point out to him that if he has to hide it then he knows it's wrong. I doubt he would turn around and claim to be open about it.

Fuzzybear · Nov 18, 2015, 02:42 PM

Scotty204 · Nov 23, 2015, 09:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Trust your gut!

I think its quite telling that he was trying to hide his phone from you. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. I think its sad that he's flipping it all around on you and saying that his secretive behavior is just because you would be upset. Well, I think you have a right to be upset! Using the excuse of "why would he start now?" for cheating....?!?! That's as if to say that all cheaters are cheaters from day one. Nope! Some people are faithful for many years before they cheat.

I think that since you two are in a rough patch, he should be staying away from all other women, even if they are just friends. Why? Because he should be putting his efforts into YOU and you ALONE! Unfortunately, right now he's putting effort into this other woman (whatever she may be). So pretty much he's at work with this woman all day long and then texts her when he's spending time with you. Not cool.

As for this "woman friend" bit....is he the type of guy who has always had female friends? If the answer is "no"....then you know this woman isn't just a friend. Guys fall into one of 2 categories....those who have female friends and those who do not. When those who do not suddenly start making female friends....watch out, that's a red flag.

This sounds sketchy to me. In my experience when your partner starts hiding their phone or password protecting it then that's a red flag. My wife had an affair and that's how it started out. I went with my gut and I'm glad I did because it turned out I was right. I caught her cheating with another woman

. Keep your eyes and ears wide open on this one and let us know what happens

Rose76 · Nov 23, 2015, 08:06 PM

You are not being oversensitive. A conjugal relationship is not defined just by bumping private parts in the dark. Marital intimacy is about more than that. It's also about the personal confidences that are shared throughout daily living. As you saw in those text messages, he is doing that with this so-called friend.

I am amazed at how often I am seeing threads here where a person in a committted relationship is distressed by a partner who wants complete freedom of interaction with single (or even married) persons of the opposite gender. Nonsense. This idea that a married person has a right to the same kind of "friendships" that a single person might cultivate is a crock, IMHO.

So she put the kids to bed and now she's tired. No! I'm sorry . . . that is not normal, friendly sharing between a married man and a female friend. That is intimacy. And I don't, for one minute, believe he'ld be just fine with you having similar message exchanges with some man you were "friends" with.

A female co-worker texting him to share some workplace scuttlebutt or hot gossip might be more normal, but not the text you described. She is subtly flirting, and he is eating it up. When two people marry, they become a social unit - a package deal. Each may have friends of the same gender, but one does not have friends of the opposite gender. You and he, as a couple, might have a male or female friend who is single, but the two of you would relate to that person more-or-less as a couple. That person might be invited to your home for dinner with both of you and might take the two of you out for dinner now and then. The three if you might socialize together. But private, little sharings, via text, about how one's day is going? No . . . no . . . I don't think so.

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