Husband texting female coworker...

[B]Hello all. I recently made a post about how my husband and I are going through a rough patch. We have been through lots the last 4 months...my father passing and I had a recent illness. We have been together since we were 15...married for almost 2 years. Last night we had a really long talk about how we were going to work things out and I woke this morning very optimistic.

Well...it was short-lived. On the way to the mall I noticed he was kind of hiding his text. I asked about and he said it was nothing. No big deal. But when I reached for his phone he told me not to use it. That's when I began to question. He finally told me that he has been texting a female coworker. I was shocked. He is a very sociable person and he easily makes friends.

He informed me that he had been texting her for about a month. I asked if he had an affair with her and he said they were "friends" and have a lot in common they talk about at work. I told him that I thought it was really odd...given the fact we are in a rough patch and he texting other women. He said he should have the freedom to be friends with whoever he wants. I told him it really touches a nerve with me but he insists it's nothing. He says he's married to me and not interested in forming a sexual relationship with anyone else.

He let me read the text and they are personal. She texts him "she's putting the kids to bed" and how "she's tired." I think this is a recipe for disaster...he thinks it's innocent and says I should trust him more. "I haven't cheated on me the whole time we have been together, why would he start now?" he questions. So I now wonder if Iove overreacting? We look at the whole situation different. He says he wouldn't care if men texted me.

I just don't understand. He said didn't tell me at first because he knew it would "upset" me because she was a women. Then why is he even doing it in the first place?? As for now I have left the issue alone with him. But I fear this is going to be a serious problem in the near future.

Trust your gut!

I think its quite telling that he was trying to hide his phone from you. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. I think its sad that he's flipping it all around on you and saying that his secretive behavior is just because you would be upset. Well, I think you have a right to be upset! Using the excuse of "why would he start now?" for cheating....?!?! That's as if to say that all cheaters are cheaters from day one. Nope! Some people are faithful for many years before they cheat.

I think that since you two are in a rough patch, he should be staying away from all other women, even if they are just friends. Why? Because he should be putting his efforts into YOU and you ALONE! Unfortunately, right now he's putting effort into this other woman (whatever she may be). So pretty much he's at work with this woman all day long and then texts her when he's spending time with you. Not cool.

As for this "woman friend" bit....is he the type of guy who has always had female friends? If the answer is "no"....then you know this woman isn't just a friend. Guys fall into one of 2 categories....those who have female friends and those who do not. When those who do not suddenly start making female friends....watch out, that's a red flag.

I think you're right; it's a recipe for disaster.

I posted on here a little while back about a (married) male coworker I am friends with who is incredibly extroverted and whose natural extraversion tends to border on flirtation at times. I also talked about the fact that I've always had a crush on this guy. Never in a million years would I think it would be okay for us to start texting--mainly because I am a single female that his wife doesn't know, but also because of how I feel (I'm pretty sure his actions are just his personality).

This guy and I get along very well...within certain boundaries. So sure, someone in a relationship can have friends of the opposite gender. But from what I understand marriage is hard enough, why invite temptation by stepping out of bounds that you have to hide from your spouse? Especially when your marriage is going through a rough patch. From what I understand, a couple is to work hard to guard their relationship. I am loathe to blame the woman (because I feel like it's always the female being blamed when a man is toeing the line) and I don't believe it's all her, but if she had any respect, she'd step off. Texting about putting the kids to bed is the piddly stuff you text your BFF about, and she needs to find another female or single male to fill that role, not your husband.

I've had complications in marriage compounded by a female coworker. I'm long divorced, they are still best friends and he rooms and boards with her, her husband and daughter. She's been vile towards me, saying things that he's said before or they've fed off one another. My home became violent only after they became friends. Coincidence??

Sharing that she's getting the kids to bed?? That something for more intimate knowledge, whether physical or emotional, in my opinion. Why must they be friendly outside the office? A marriage is a commitment. Are you both in some kind of marriage counseling? Have you invited her to dinner, yet?

I've been in the same situation. For me, it only got worse and worse. So I ended things. We stayed friends which works good for us. I'd say if he won't get counseling then you're in trouble. Inviting her to dinner is a good idea healingme4me

This is called an emotional affair.

Not good. That's all I can say.

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You should be his only female confidant

As said above. EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. Imo no different than a physical one. He's giving the attention that should be for you to someone else. Good luck with this you have a long hard road ahead if bigger tighter boundaries are not established right now. Couples therapy is in definate order.

on the one hand a male should be able to have female friends but in the context of what you describe I will agree that there is a problem here. First thing to point out is if he is as forthcoming as he implies by some of the things he says and as faithful as he claims to be why would he first hide his texts, then tell you not to use his phone? That along gives enough reason to be suspicious.

I agree with the others to trust your gut, that this is a recipe for disaster. Someone stated that it is an emotional affair and at best even if it isn't now, it seems to be heading that way quickly as personal as the texts seem to be.

What do you think of this claim?

Like all the others said, emotional affair. And I think that can lead to more. The fact that he hides it from you is alarming too.

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Eh, sounds emotionally manipulative to me. If he really didn't want you to find out, he would have come to the rather obvious solution of ignoring her texts until he was alone. By texting her in front of you and then acting all sneaky-sneaky about it, it's like he deliberately provoked you into being concerned and asking about it. So that he could then explain to you how crazy you are, and keep on doing it, knowing that you would continue to worry about it and start to doubt yourself. Maybe he will have an affair, maybe he won't, but either way he sounds like a douche to me.

Emotional Affair. Bingo.

Look up the book, NOT "Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. She devoted her entire career in psychology (almost 30 years) towards the study of infidelity. Her research conclusively revealed that most affairs begin between people that establish an EMOTIONAL connection first. It's NOT (as is commonly thought) about the "hot chick" or the "hot guy". Sex, more often than not, is totally not in the picture.....at first.

And if he's saying he "wouldn't care" if a man texted you...there's already been a degree of emotional DISconnection from him towards you.

Sorry but danger Will Robinson. I hope he agrees to counseling with you!

As per usual, I agree with CopperStar: Douche.

I had a very close male friend who I shared things like this with. I never had any intent of doing anything.
However, he was having problems with his wife and hid the texting, where my husband was aware.
Every situation is unique.
Keep an eye on it.

Thank you all so very much! I have mentioned to him about the emtional affair and he says he "doesn't" believe in that stuff. He said he know his boundaries and I have to trust him. We have been fighting about this non stop since it happened and last night came to the brink of the divorce because I asked him if she knew he was married and he said no! He doesn't want to tell her either! If this was innocent why doesn't she know?!

Last night we about came to the conclusion of divorce. He said all we do is fight and I "nag." He left and came back about an hour later and told me he was sorry and that he loved me and couldn't picture life without me in it. We decided to end the discussion since it was late anf talk about it more in the morning.

This morning was fine but then once again it escalated. I was feeling pretty insecure about the female coworker so while he ate breakfast I looked on his phone in his room. Sure enough she texted "Dude this kids are driving me nuts today!" sooo I asked him if he had recieved a text from her and he said no! Which I know he read it because it wasn't marked as unread! I told him I read the text and He got MAD! He said that I have to trust him more and that she doesn't mean anything.

So to wrap this up...I told him he HAD to tell her he was married...he then said I was controlling. I feel no matter what I do or say he is going to contact this woman. He said he would tell her he was married at work today...like I believe that. Our marriage has been great up until this. I know it might be silly to freak out over texting but I'm so afraid this is going escalate into a full blown affair. I do nag him a lot so I don't know if I should to continue to ask him about her all the time or when he is home try to make things better so he doesn't feel the need to text/talk to her?? I really want our marriage to work and last night he cried to me and told me that he loved me and wanted it to work too...so confused...

My thoughts exactly!!

Ok he knows where his boundaries are but do YOU know? I don't see the harm in having a conversation along the lines of "what do you consider cheating?" Especially if he doesn't "believe" in emotional affairs which is BS. I can "not believe" in cars, it doesn't make them less real. Some men, and women for that matter, think that you have to have full on sexual intercourse to cheat. Is a kiss cheating? Is oral sex cheating? I knew someone once who thought getting was ok but giving was not... If you aren't on the same page as your partner it can cause huge issues.

Not wanting her to know he's married? HUGE GIGANTIC RED FLAG. Huge. Why the hell would be not want her to know?? I can't think of a legitimate excuse for that.

Nothing about your reaction is silly. He's ridiculous to tell you that you have to trust him to not do what you already know he's doing. He has to actually STOP DOING it for you to begin to trust him again. What he's really saying is that you're inconveniencing him with this because it's working really well for him to have this flirtation + you.

You are right that he's made it clear that no matter what you say or do he's going to text her. He's made it very clear that how you feel doesn't matter. It's not controlling to ask him to stop behavior that is bothering you. Asking him questions about it constantly will just lead to more conflict and he's already flat out lying to you so why keep asking? He will just keep lying. At this point you can't fix the relationship and make it work on your own, you both have to be invested. Regardless as to whether it's an affair, this is damaging your relationship so he can either a.) stop the texting and reinvest in your relationship, b.) continue texting and you just accept it because you want to stay married, or c.) end the marriage. You're at an impass.

My opinion - this is an affair, he's choosing texting her over your feelings and objections so he's made his choice. He would love to have his cake and eat it too, so you can decide if you want to put up with his s*** or give him an ultimatum. My dad had an emotional affair with a woman at work and my mother made him quit his job. Extreme, and it didn't fix their issues but it did eliminate the woman! If it were me, I'd say it's me or her, you can't have us both. If he refuses to choose, that's a decision, GTFO.

I totally see what your saying. This is the part that makes it so difficult. I told him this morning that if he didn't tell her he was married It meant he choose her over me. He said he's only been talking to her for 2 weeks and she's not that important... Just conversation and jokes at work. He told me that he would "tell her today at work." I told him him how the heck am I suppose to believe him and he said that I HAVE to trust him. They still have to talk at work cause they literally work with each other...which sucks.

He has never been the jealous type. Before we were married I had to work very closely with a man at a former job. He never mentioned anything BUT I was very open with him about the situation.

Agree with above. Huge red flag that he won't tell her he's married! Not saying this is the right thing, but if it were me I'd either go on his phone or text her from your own and let her know he is a married man.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 300mgs
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

Every day things like kid or state of being are a regular part of what I talk about with people I have daily contact with.

While he may have been turning the phone away from you while texting, he was texting in your presence and when pressed, allowed you to view the conversational history. I'd believe him when he says he hasn't / isn't having an affair (i.e. sexual relationship) with her.

I understand your concern about how this may effect the future. You'll need to determine what you can and cannot accept, communicate that to him, recognize he is a grown man who is going to make his own decisions and act accordingly.

Ummm actually you said you two have been in a rough patch for 4 months, so it didn't just start with her. Sounds like it's escalating things though. Don't let this distract. I don't think people get to the "brink of divorce" just from fighting over texts for a couple days. To save a marriage, each needs to own what they've brought to the table.

You trust him or you don't. Either way, stay off his phone. It's an invasion of privacy and not conducive to good relations.

Ya the only thing that has kept me from totally not believing him is he did tell me about her and let me read the messages. I have been thinking long and hard about the last week and I think he has been sending me "Signals" for a few months. He mentioned he needed "me" time about 3 months ago. I have been so wrapped up in my own grief about my father passing I think I might have been neglecting his emotions.

I think he also might be a tad depressed. I know that doesn't justify everything but he sometimes he mentions he's sad...I ask him why and he downplays it.

I know we need counseling but he is totally against any kind of therapy/counseling. I have asked why before and he told me that he can handle his problems on his own.