Ultimate betrayal

Hello and HELP!
Found out that my husband and Daughter-in-law have had an inappropriate relationship 9 months ago. They say no sex ever, don't know what to believe there, just flirting. Hmm? Holidays are here and I'm told the "no contact approach" I wish to take with my DIL is unacceptable as to not alienate my Son and Grandchildren. How am I supposed to deal with her, who refuses to apologize and seeing my Husband and her in the same room together ?

Does your son know and is he ok with it..?

Yea what does your son think? This is a very messed up situation. You're not wrong by not wanting to see her. If it were me, I'd ask her not to come honestly.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
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yeah, what does your son know? What do you mean by "inappropriate relationship?" Who told you what?

Prohibiting DIL from holidays does have the potential of alienating son and grandchildren. Is that a risk you're willing to take? Maybe seeing hubby and DIL together in the same room would be beneficial? Reassuring in some way, knowing what you now know and seeing for yourself how they interact?

I see that your DIL has not apologized, but what about your husband? Has he owned up to his bad behavior? Are you going to stay with him, despite the betrayal? How does your son feel? Is your husband your son's father?

Your DIL refuses to apologize to you for flirting with your husband? Whoa.

Me, personally, I'd have to cancel the holidays because I'd flip my lid at having the woman who doesn't know the boundaries she needs to have with my husband...in my house. But hey, that's just me.

I wouldn't be nearly as upset at the DIL being inappropriate as I would about your husband. She can flirt all she wants-- the problem occurs when he flirts/cheats back! She's not in your marriage; he is.

True, but my house is my safe place. I won't have anyone in my home who disrespects me like that. It would be bad enough with the husband....but the both of them under the same roof? What if they engaged in more flirtatious behavior?

And I don't believe its a matter of letting her flirt all she wants. Again, my home, my rules. Don't disrespect someone in their own home.

And then there's the issue of the son's wife flirting with someone else! Yeah, doesn't mama bear want to rip this hussy's eyes out? Its like uhm, ok, you can eff with me and that's one thing, but if you eff with someone I love, its a million times worse!

Hello everyone and thanks for responding! I spent 2 hours carefully explaining my situation better and answering all of your questions but when I submitted my reply back to all of you it said I wasn't logged in, but I was. Now all that work I just did is gone. I want to repost but fear this will happen again. What gives?

I'll give it one more shot but in a quicker manner. My husband and are 50 years old. We've been together since we were 16 and have only had sex with each other our whole lives, or so he says. We own a small Mom & Pop store in town and our son works for us. He and his wife are 27 and have 6 and 4 year old Daughters. Our DIL is a size 4 and drop dead gorgeous. I used to look like that in my younger days. I am a curvy woman now and things have drooped but I'm not frumpy.......oh on the contrary! I never leave the house without stylish clothes, make up, hair and nails done everyday!

Our DIL has had a similar miserable childhood to mine with having abusive parents. I welcomed her into our family, treating her as my Daughter, not just a DIL. We became very close and spent a lot of time together. As business owners and with my husband so well known in the community with his extrovert personality and interest in many clubs, we are often invited to numerous events. I am an introvert and after 30 years of going to these boring things, I suggested that my husband take her for two reasons: ending an introvert's nightmare and her being a young Mother, I thought she deserves and could use a night out.
They went to 6 events over a 3 year span.

When our Son has a problem, he always stops by in the evening to talk with both of us. One particular night, he came over and only asked to talk to my husband. We knew something was wrong because all of a sudden after having a normal and wonderful Christmas last year, our DIL suddenly became distant with us, when she dropped the girls off to me to babysit, she wouldn't look me in the eyes and rush off. One night our Son called late at night and asked if my husband would go for a drive with him. They finally came home in the wee hours of the morning and my husband was very upset. He said that our DIL and Son are having problems and not to worry that they're working it out and that he told him he loved him and would always be there for him and that he loved me and would never leave me. Too many weird red flags for me! What do I have to do with this and why didn't our Son come in and talk to both of us together like he always does? After no sleep, I put two and two together and thought the worst! What if him and our DIL had an affair. They do seem to hug A LOT at family events and on our 2 acres of property, they always seem to walk off alone talking in the distance. He always told me it was about her parents. That would explain everything! So the next morning, I point blank asked him and he was shocked, turned white, immediately confessed everything, cried and begged for forgiveness. This went on all day. The longest Sunday of our lives! Their story matches each other's. In a nutshell. When they went to these events, they of course would drink and that would lead to conversations of what it would be like to be with someone other than your spouse and then the last event they went to, the same conversation but things got more serious and he leaned in to kiss her but then stopped and they both agreed it was weird and they should act differently towards each other from now on. Do you believe them? I dunno? Are they using alcohol as an excuse? As his wife, never seeing him act inappropriately with other Women, I've been his only sexual partner ( or so he says ) in his life, alcohol, she looks like I once did. I can see a Man of his age going through a midlife crisis, no offense to the Men out there and this is not an excuse, nor do I condone it, but most Men think with their Penis. They are just built that way! So I forgave him and so did our Son. Since then we have all been in therapy and my husband and I have been doing well. He has gone above and beyond what he promised of making amends to me for the last 9 months. In a weird way, this has actually made us closer, if that makes sense to anyone out there who decided to forgive ( but never forget ) and stay married.

The problem! Our DIL only after 9 months of therapy was told that she had major "Daddy issues" and combined with our Son working long hours, dealing with the common struggles of a newly married couple with 2 small children, she got the attention from my husband and not hers, she loved it and flirted back. She got mad when I called her a Tease after I kicked her out of my house the day she came over to discuss what my husband did to her. That's exactly what she is, " a Tease". She Blames my husband in saying he took advantage of her young age and weaknesses. Are ya kidding me? 25 to 27 year old Woman, married with 2 kids? Who is she trying to fool? After all I've done for her over the years, she refuses to apologize for her actions to me in this and I don't see how I can welcome her in my home without wanting to scratch her eyes out! Yes my husband is to blame here also, I get that but don't forget that he's apologized, didn't try to deny it and is making amends. She's not doing that. I want her out of my life but my Son says that puts him in the middle and could damage the relationship I have with him, our Granddaughters and extended family. He knows she's wrong but feels in the middle and doesn't know what to do. Everyone in the family tells me I need to get over it and just stay on the opposite side of the room at all family events for everyone's happiness. What about me? How is this fair to me, especially when it's me who cooks and hosts all family events and holidays??! This was done to me by two people who I thought loved me. I'll be damned if I'm going to do all of that work and she sit smugly across the dinner table from me knowing she is getting away with not having to take any responsibility for her part in this. Help! Thanks for listening.

Um, having sex does not define cheating. Was this situation conducted behind your back? If someone is doing something they need to cover up, that IS cheating

I agree, I think canceling this particular get-together is the best bet. It's SO close to it, there's no way anything is going to get resolved before the holiday. If it were me, I'd lose it the instant she started being too attentive with my husband. Honestly I'd try to sit down, just the four of you, and hash it out. Maybe in family counseling so a therapist can mediate if any one of the four has a tendency to yell, scream, throw things, etc.

If you all are still in therapy, maybe feedback from therapist on how to handle would be helpful? Maybe they could swing by for drinks/apps before or dessert after, excuse for others that they can't stay because they're doing the dinner part with her family this year? That might help keep it "normal" for the grandkids and other family not in the know, yet still limit the contact. It'll be hard, even for a short period. I'd be feeling pretty angry too... of all people, so incredibly disrespectful

Iwonderaboutstuff,
I think that's what we'll end up having to do. My therapist agrees with me on doing the no contact route for my well being and happiness BUT I'm not willing to lose my family over this so I don't know how I'm going to manage during family events other than taking a lot of breaks from the party to compose myself. My Son suggests I ignore her and if that makes her mad and she chooses to not attend future events, that's her choice but knowing I will at least try, he will be there for me and attend all events with his kids.

By the way, the entire extended family knows about everything because I told them. They left me no choice when they asked what she and I were fighting about. My DIL was pissed when I did that. Too bad! I made sure the responsibility of this was put on the two people who caused the problem and not on me.

It's funny how life works in the fact that my Mother-in-law has never liked me. You see she raised a Momma's Boy and NOBODY, I MEAN NOBODY would've ever been good enough for her little boy. I think she always thought I would be the one to let my Husband down one day and prove she was right about me......ever since this happened, she has done a complete turn around towards me and supports me and stopped all nasty remarks to me like she's always done. I chose a long time ago to separate myself from her when I can, just to keep the peace, now I feel comfortable around her and I feel the respect she now has for me. Finally! Praise God! She's very old now and I'm so glad I got to finally feel that from her before she dies. I never thought in a million years that she would take my side on this. I thought she would say something like....well you must have done something to make him look at another Woman, but she didn't.

Thanks for the reply and advice!