Husband getting evaluation...

My husband whom I recently separated from because of behavior that was mentally abusive is willing to have an evaluation and go to therapy in an attempt to save our marriage. My question is.....is it possible for a person who is controlling and manipulative to change with therapy? Am I just kidding myself to think that maybe this could help him? My heart aches for the life I wanted with him. It confuses me that someone who once was so kind is now bad enough to ask to leave our home......Also he has suffered many head concussions in his life and with that movie that is out now staring Will Smith called concussion I wonder if that isn't the catalyst for his strange behavior.

It's impossible to tell in this sort of situation whether someone has genuine intentions or not.

Some people with personality disorders do experience moments of clarity, followed be a desire and effort to get better, and then they do.

Some people with personality disorders will only pretend to have a desire to get better, in order to hook you back in and screw around with you some more.

So the real strategy you need for yourself, is to make sure you focus on your own boundaries, what you will and will not tolerate, and your own expectations, and your own feelings.

In the end it should not matter what someone was thinking or feeling when they abused you, all that matters is that they abused you. If you are willing to give him another chance, it is extremely important that you prepare yourself to have a zero tolerance policy on abusive behaviors, no matter what.

It may even be worth getting yourself your own therapist to help you with this.

I'm not so sure one can be changed if what they suffer is caused by brain trauma. But, I think one CAN learn coping mechanisms and how to recognize triggers before they happen in order to minimize the results. Cudos to him for taking the step to do something about it. Cudos to you for understanding. However, this is not a reason to get back together.

Is there a chance you'll wonder "what if," if you don't give it a shot? Continue to live separately, do the therapy and see how it goes.

I wanted to address what you said about head injury. Is your husband going to see a neurologist? It would definitely be worth talking to his primary care doctor about what's going on to see if he needs to see a neurologist or to have brain imaging done.

Since when is being mentally abusive, controlling and manipulative, the result of a head injury?

This is GREAT advice - thank you - because I really needed to hear this myself tonight.

Copperstar, it very well may not be but science has shown that in particular repeated concussions may trigger such behaviour in addtion to that of powerful depression

I am not sure but that is what I have been hearing and then the movie that's coming out is about this discovery. I am not saying that is why he has behaved like he did, I am just wondering if the head injuries haven't effected his ability to make rational decisions.

Well why not ask if symptoms happened after all the concussions or were they always there? Maybe the concussions happened before you relationship but may help here to clarify. I have NPD and have worked on myself for sometime. One said above about seeing a trigger and being able to modify. This is true however for some the realization can also come after it had happened. I at times do or say something then realize after it happens that I am wrong. What I'm getting at it for some the way to repair is different. The important part is one knowing and accepting when they are wrong.

I don't know for sure that that's the case with Ghaugh38's husband. Small brain injuries can cause personality changes, though, and she mentioned that her husband has had several, and she also mentioned that his behavior has changed over the years, so it seems like something worth checking out.

Sometimes personality changes from brain trauma can be helped with medication, so if it's possible to find out if he's one of those people, that would be good.

I tend to think of lack of control issues like outbursts of anger to be the type of thing that happens because of mild brain trauma, rather than traits like being controlling and manipulative - those traits seem to indicate higher brain functions that are working well but not in a positive way, so that, in my limited knowledge, would say "maybe not due to brain trauma", but I don't know very much about the subject.

I've seen people have fairly striking changes in personality due to traumatic brain injury, and I've read that even minor head trauma can cause personality change.

http://www.fmcmindbody.com/wp-conten..._the_brain.pdf

I'm curious.

If there were SO many years of separation, between childhood crush and actually getting together during adulthood, 22 years if I remember correctly....

Then how are you SO sure he was a sweet, kind loving person?

What if this behaviour is what lead to his first marriage failing? Or did I miss the part where you say his wife died?
Because I do remember you saying he was married with a child when you were 15...

What if the man you married has always been mean, manipulative and abusive, what then?

IDK, head injuries, concussions, brain lesions, it all sounds like trying to justify abusive behaviour from a man you barely know.