[Syc_amore]

I'm at my wits end with my sister-in-law. When my brother got married, the whole family adored her. She was a very sweet, funny, laid-back individual. She shared a lot of goals and interests with my brother, and had those of her own as well. She was, at the time, a very lovable, well-rounded person.

Well, my brother and SIL suffered a couple of tremendous heartbreaks, losing two children to a genetic condition (stillborn). After therapy and genetic testing, they were able to conceive and have a beautiful baby boy. For a few months after his birth, she was tired, but pleasant and happy. We (my parents and siblings) offered to help with what they needed; we'd cook meals and pick up items from the store if they needed something. I don't think we were pushy or nosy or anything like that, and we certainly never attempted to correct them as parents or impose on their time with their new son. But, shortly after my SIL returned to work, her attitude changed. She stopped talking to all of us, and would only communicate via her husband - my brother; she said she wouldn't be bringing the baby over any more, or visiting their home in the future. She has set a very restrictive visitation schedule. My parents may only visit their grandson once a week, for a couple hours and this meeting takes place at the other grandmother's home (she watches the baby every day he is not at daycare); my folks have to call my brother on Sunday to confirm who is going that week, and if anything comes up that causes a change in the schedule, like an emergency plumbing problem -true story- my parents lose visitation privileges. My parents have only been asked to babysit one time, after the other grandmother had to cancel due to illness, and that was only after my brother's insistence. My siblings and I only get to visit with them every few months, for very short periods and only when they initiate the request. I haven't been to my brother's home in over a year.

She has become indifferent to my brother's requests and hostile towards my parents. They are trying to be patient, but it hurts my heart every time that my mother sits down in tears over this situation. I don't want to come between my brother and his wife. I want them to be happy and come through this stronger. I'd love to be able to visit my nephew without being terrified that I'm somehow ruining something. I'd like to be able to sit down with my SIL and have a drink and talk and laugh like we once did. I can't figure out the best approach to help repair these damaged relationships. Maybe I did something wrong, and maybe it has nothing to do with me or my family at all. I just don't know.

My brother and SIL have been to family counseling and he has asked us for our patience. I haven't tried for a while to reach out, because I'm trying to give them space and respect his request. Any advice for me? With the holidays coming up, I'd love to have the same, friendly comfortable dynamic that we once had as a family, but I'm fighting the urge to scream at her for being so selfish.

I'm going to say step back, respect her wishes and allow things to grow. This is not what you want to hear I know. Actually I find a grandparent seeing a grandchild more than once per week rather excessive. I would be incredibly overwhelmed and feel put on the spot.

So, what can you do. You can ask her how she would like you to be involved or help.

[Syc_amore]

Originally Posted by rcat

I'm going to say step back, respect her wishes and allow things to grow. This is not what you want to hear I know. Actually I find a grandparent seeing a grandchild more than once per week rather excessive. I would be incredibly overwhelmed and feel put on the spot.

So, what can you do. You can ask her how she would like you to be involved or help.

Thanks for the input. I think I need to expand on a thing or two though. I hear what you are saying, as it was similar to what my brother said, "Give it time, she needs space." I have done that. My parents have done that. I haven't asked if I could visit with them for 8 months and haven't been to their home for 12. When I see my brother, I ask if there is anything they need or would like, and when he says "no", I don't push. My parents have acted similarly.

As for the visitation thing, I understand setting boundaries with in-laws and being in control of raising your own child. I think it's healthy to say no when you need to and have the chance to decide how one wants to live in the new family one creates. What I don't understand if why the dramatic shift in her attitude and actions, and why my brother's attempts at communication with her are suddenly falling on deaf ears. I'm happy my parents get to see their grandson, even once a week. But the "rules" set by my SIL make it hard to enjoy the time they get because they live in fear of losing those privileges. My SIL's mother is a primary caregiver for the baby, looking after him 3-5 days a week, for several hours (7+). That lopsided standard is probably most difficult for my folks, because the other grandmother has vocalized the same concerns, saying, "He doesn't spend enough time with his other grandparents."

Some of my most cherished memories are those spent at my own grandparents' homes. During the week, we'd visit the maternal side, on Sundays, we'd spend hours at the paternal grandparents. Now that they are gone, I'd give anything to have had more time.
It wasn't odd for my brother and SIL to come over every week for Sunday dinner before the baby or even drop by during the week to chat for a bit, and now, those visits do not exist. The communication is broken, and my poor brother has to act as peacekeeper and I know it's just breaking his heart. My SIL's personality has dramatically changed, so when I do occasionally see her or my brother, I don't know how to act.

[LovetheKing]

Maybe something happened between her and your parents that she's not letting on? I just had a baby myself and I know that time can be incredibly stressful...even the most innocuous comments about my baby/parenting made me want to yell at people for meddling lol. With the holidays coming up, I might just send a short note saying that you don't know what happened, but you love her and your nephew very much and just leave it at that.

I don't get the lopsided arrangement.

My mother was forbidden to see my brothers 4 sons. We're not sure why to this day. What we think happened was she got angry at my mom for putting one of the boys in a high chair - which she called torture devices. Mom passed away without really knowing those grandchildren. Which was a shame - despite being a terrible mom to me she was outstanding to my own children.

My own relationship with my SIL was odd at best. One moment we would be best friends, others I would be basically a free babysitter, and others she wouldn't talk to me. In all honesty we thing she is bipolar or berderline. (she and my brother have not been together since the 4th was born)