[findingmyhappiness6]

I know I'm probably wrong for this but...my husband and I are going to be getting a divorce as soon as we can afford one. We still live together and everything. Today when I went to log into FB he was still logged in and a conversation he was having with a female friend popped up and I know I shouldn't have invaded his privacy but I read a little of the messages that were sent. I wished I hadn't because now I'm wondering about some things. They weren't outright "I'm cheating" messages but I think they were inappropriate. One message said "You're just going to have to get used to the fact that I like 99.9% of everything about you." and she said something he liked and he responded with "I Love You, oops I mean you're awesome lol". Again, I know I shouldn't have invaded his privacy and usually I don't. I'm not sure what to think because yes we are getting divorced but we agreed as long as we're married and in the same house we were not going to pursue other people. I just don't know what to make of this...

[Khione]

I think that if you've both sat down and agreed to a divorce, then the being married and in the same house rule you agreed (probably at the very beginning of your relationship) may not apply. Circumstances change and whilst you shouldn't have invade his privacy because it's his own space etc, it's also not necessarily your business because you've agreed to a divorce. It's not on paper obviously but if you've agreed it between yourselves, you maybe need to discuss your married/same house-seeing other people rule again.

Sorry if it sounded blunt/harsh. Didn't mean to sound mean, just saying it how I see it.

Hope things work out for you as best they can.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I would say he is having an emotional affair. Was it this realization that lead to the idea of divorce or was this long coming? Definitely have a convo of where you each stand in the dating aspect. Some would think wait till the divorce is finalized but it seems he's not one to wait.

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[findingmyhappiness6]

@Khoine you didn't sound harsh at all. I value an honest perspective. I am the one who has asked for a divorce but he's the one who said as long as we're married and living in the same house that we shouldn't pursue other people. And I know this will make everything think "What?" but we are still intimate and act almost as if we're still a couple. But the divorce will happen one way or another and he knows very well where my feelings lie. With that being said he demands intimacy still. If I had it my way we wouldn't be at all because of how I feel. If we aren't he gets an attitude, it becomes tense and he won't help me with anything around the house nor clean up after himself which he hardly does to begin with. And I am in the wrong for reading what I did read.

@RxQueen875 That's a good way of seeing it. I didn't think of it that way. The divorce is a long time coming, it's just a matter of being able to afford it (and agreeing on everything, especially when it concerns our 2 kids).

[divine1966]

I think it's awful he demands sex in exchange of helping around the house. I'd rather live in filthy house. Having sex with him especially since he already pursues other women is a bad idea in my opinion. No thanks

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[~Christina]

If you both agreed to Divorce , Him demanding sex is ridiculous ! and I would say that could be labled as sexual abuse and even rape if he pushes the issue..

My advice... Say NO !!!!! we are divorcing ! As for him talking to other women.. You can not control it , at all. Have you both agreed to a end date on living together? Like by X we will no longer be living together.

Stay strong

[popuri88]

This sounds abusive, really. I'd buy this fight and avoid him until you can be completely apart.

I can't help but think of the opposite situation. I never see a man being 'demanded' to have sex in similar settings. It angers me a bit that sex pops here and there as a duty in a woman's life, even when she doesn't want it or isn't trying to pursue a specific man anymore.

If you agreed with living under the same roof but not as a couple your relationship should be of roomates. He can't demand sex from you and you can't really get mad at him for getting involved with another woman. I don't know why he did that if he agreed with not pursuing others, though. Maybe you should change the rule so he'll know he's not the only one doing it.
Keeping the house clean and respecting each other is mandatory in any relationship where people live in the same house.

[DechanDawa]

If you have agreed to divorce than maybe you need to work on a hard timeline of when the actual physical separation will happen. There is a blurring of boundaries because the relationship is in transition (or one could say, transitional termination). It's not healthy for all concerned. Divorce is hard because there are always a lot of emotions and they aren't always all negative. But it you continue with the snooping and the blurred boundaries around intimacy it's not protecting your well-being and mental health. And you will need both...going into your future.

well the solution is to get out of the house.

He can't have it both ways; being emotionally involved AND expecting sex with a separated partner.

You cannot involve yourself in his life any longer, you need to respect that. But he should be expecting the same of you. He should not be involved in yours.

[DechanDawa]

We, as onlookers, can't know what immediately should be done. We don't know all the details. People often need to live together for a time before separation or divorce for practical reasons. I think perhaps this thread triggered stuff in me from my own life, and I can't really be as objective as I would like, not knowing the parties involved. I have a close friend who is going through a similar situation and I can say nothing, really, because she has to go through her situation herself. I will go out on a limb and advise someone what I think might better serve their mental health, but I can't really paint the whole picture of what that should look like. Hugs!