[SeptemberMorn]

What's is called when you have a family member coming to stay for 10 days and all you can think of is having everything PERFECT??

As some of you know my middle son (step-son) is coming from Oregon to visit. I raised him from the time he was 3 until 18 when he graduated from high school. He's been living in OR. all this time close to his birth mother. I'm driving hubby and my personal provider NUTZ doing things and making them just perfect... from the ceilings, walls and floor and in hidden corners. I don't want him to see anything dirty or out of place. So much so that...

I woke up from a nightmare this morning crying and pissed as hell!!! In my dream, my son, hubby and kids were at Disneyland. We were walking past a swimming pool and I saw a familiar figure reclining on a chase among a bunch of stuff. I asked hubby "Is that Loretta? Look at those big eyes! Look at those big eyes!" I stopped and went back around to where she was but when I got there, we were inside a building. Chuck (my son) was at the opposite side of the building where she was. I saw her and turned back to him and put my arms around him as if to protect him. She said or it was understood that she was there to collect him and take him home. I said she couldn't because I had plans for the last two days he was going to be with us. He looked at her and with a question in his voice he said "A couple more days?" He seemed torn between the two of us. Suddenly, I was on her and whaling away on her with a full suitcase... There's where I woke up. It took a while for me to get over my rage and crying after I woke up. My fear is real. I'm so afraid she's not gonna let me enjoy his visit. I'm afraid she's gonna suggest that he go see his cousins in LA while he's down here. NOT ON MY DIME!! She's done this before and we took him down a couple days early so he could visit with HER family! Neither his dad or I were very happy about it. Jerry's with me. He says he's gonna be really pissed if she does it again this time. If we tell Chuck "no", we're gonna look like the bad guys! ggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I'm probably borrowing trouble, but...

Oh, and did I mention it was ME who took him out of an abusive situation, it was ME that took him to the dr when he came back all bruised and beaten, it was ME who took the little basket case every other weekend and put him back together until I couldn't stand it anymore and had a lawyer write up a letter to HER stating that his dad and I were protecting him from her and her many abusive boyfriends and she could no longer have unsupervised visitation with him.

Am I wrong in feeling so possesive/protective about him? Yeah, I know! He's 35 and all grown up now raising 2 kids on his own... because history repeated itself.

[Direction]

This is definately a situation that seems to be getting to you...

My only suggestion at this time...clean if it helps get rid of the anxiety about the upcoming visit and keep your expectations of what will happen with him to a minimum...

[bebop]

are you and hubby paying for them to come? I would be mad too if I were paying and she had him go visit her family. errrrrrrrr

[sabby]

Tomi, can you make it clear to your son that if he plans on seeing "other" family the cost is on him and not you?

I know when I visit family out of state, it's hard because there are also friends I want to connect with as well. So I try to make it special with each person and let them known ahead of time what my itinerary is looking like.

I hope you can find some peace through all this. I can see it makes you very anxious and stressed. I'm not saying you don't have good reason to be. I just hate the idea of you working yourself up over all the cleaning and expectations you have. Put those expectations on the table hon...tell them!!

I hope you have some enjoyable time with your son.....

Hugssss
J

[Direction]

I would be careful about talking to him about costs being on him if he wants to visit the other family...

Yes, you did a lot to protect him when he wasn't able to protect himself...and for that I applaud you...you were and are a good mom to him...and know it is not wrong for feeling so possesive/protective about him...

If he wants to go ... he will make that decision ... it might not please you ... but you have to let him go ... cousins (I'm guessing) did nothing wrong...right? Why punish them for something they didn't do...Take him if he wants to go ... he will always know who is the person who responds with character...right?

[SeptemberMorn]

I'm working on keeping my expectations down about everybody! I know I let them get away from me.

It's not only getting the house clean because it's not that dirty. It's getting projects Finished like tiling the shower and the bathroom floor, repairing some holes in the hallway walls that I've accidentally made with my wheelchair and worst of all, getting hubby to clean up all the clutter in and around the house. The manager is always getting onto him about it anyway.

Today was a good day, though. He worked steady all day long with short breaks. I helped him wherever I could and tried to make some tedious jobs fun... like crushing Coke cans.

My personal provider did more than usual as she cleaned the house. I'm finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My personal provider also gave me a gentle lecture about my expectations, so not that I've had more than one warning, it's gonna stay on the front burner.

[SeptemberMorn]

Yes, Hon. Jerry took a lot of money of his retirement fund for airline tickets which cost about $1500 for the three of them and he's renting a van so that we can all go places. That's another $300 for 10 days! Like I said "Not on MY dime!" That money was going to buy me a new couch and recliner. I don't mind giving it up for Chuck, but I don't like it when Loretta tries to take advantage.

[SeptemberMorn]

I'm glad that you agree that it's okay to be so protective/possesive of him! Makes me feel good.

But as far as the cousins (you're right), the two sisters are not close and never have been. The sister down here never makes a move to see Loretta or Chuck. I've never met these people and yet they knew they had access to Chuck while he was growing up any time they wanted to see him. Not once did they darken our doorway or even called on the phone.

I have to think long and hard on this one.

[Direction]

I would think that he would spend the time with those he would be closest to?

I'm just about his age...I wouldn't have much desire to see some people who I barely knew...

Just remember if for whatever reason he decided otherwise...help him find a way to accomplish it...you don't necessarily have to spend more money...They can come to your town and stay in a hotel and see him one day...

I know you are a mother lion...I understand...just wanted to give you something to think about to let go of the anger that eats at you...

[SeptemberMorn]

Thanks, Direction. I understand what you're saying. Maybe it was just the dream I had this morning because of past events.

There's a lot more to why I feel like I do which just compounds my feelings in the dream. There's been several times that all my kids have gotten together, pictures taken and I wasn't "allowed" to be there. I have a daughter with Borderline and she won't have anything to do with me. One time I wound up in a psych ward because of a "family reunion" I wasn't allowed to attend. Long story and I don't want to get too deep into it. Don't feel emotionally strong enough right now.

[SeptemberMorn]

Direction, thought I'd let you know I've got a handle on my expectations. I've once again shut to door on memories of past experiences and I'm not freakin' about things being just so when he gets here.

Thanks everyone for your support and advice. I really needed it! It helped immensely!