[Crash11]

Hey guys, I'm new to this forum. This looks like a good place to get some opinions rather quickly as there are a lot of members and a ton of activity. Here's my situation:

I've been married for 6 1/2 years, and we met almost 12 years ago. We have a 4-year old daughter who is a major handful (reason we only have 1 child). I'm an engineer, and right now my wife works part-time as a housekeeper. She has a degree as a veterinary technician, but she stopped practicing before our daughter was born. My wife is a very emotional person, and she is very passionate about animals which is why she stopped practicing. She couldn't handle the death aspects.

She's extremely hard-working and ethical with whatever she does, but she has a hard time finding balance in her life. Almost everything is overdone, and in my opinion she is immature for her age. We are in our early 30's. I'm 2 years older than her, but she has had much more dramatic experiences in her life. I would've thought this would've matured her quite a bit, but I'm the one who tends to handle responsibility more than her. She doesn't deny this either. She admits she's childish a lot, just not as much as I think she should. This causes a lot of issues between us.

I've always been of the mindset that one is responsible for their own happiness regardless of whether or not there is a partner/family. Sometimes my wife agrees with this, but other times she decides not to agree when she blames me for her stress or anger. I read in another thread this statement "Oh and by the way, how a person makes you feel says oh so much more about them than it does about you...think about that for a little while...". I can't describe how much I disagree with this, unless it is directed specifically towards people with mental issues. I think someone of sound mind and body should have total control of their emotions.

Lately we have been fighting over a lot of stuff, most of which is small but escalates into large fights over personality and power struggle. She throws out claims of me being controlling and dismissing her feelings, and I'm almost positive those are false. However, I'm objective enough to realize that's just my perception, and there's at least 2 sides to this. We also tend to fight a lot about our differences in how we approach our physical health. I'm quite healthy, and I work at it a lot. She's sick all the time and doesn't take good care of herself, and I'm tired or showing sympathy for an adult with everything she has available to her but still makes bad decisions like smoking, not eating a balanced diet, or not exercising.

Also, my wife sees a therapist regularly and also goes to a support group every other week that is run by her therapist. It's basically a bunch of other women who have similar issues and they are talk about it, but they do it in a harsh and honest way.

I don't want to drone on too much longer because I worry that it will turn away a lot of people from reading. I know there are lots of things left out so please ask me to clarify or add things. I just don't know what to do here about my marriage or my child.

[Webgoji]

Have you guys been seeing a marriage counselor? It might help you both see what positives and negatives your doing with each other that you might not even be noticing. Personally I think marriage counseling is great because you don't have to be in trouble to be able to learn something and strengthen your marriage.

Something I noticed though ... you said she's been through quite a bit that you thought would mature her. Often times, past trauma can cause someone to feel poorly about themselves, even if it isn't readily apparent. Because of this, they can subconsciously sabotage themselves like overdoing things, having trouble dealing with responsibilities, etc. She might want to really look closely at these things and talk with her therapist and in marriage counseling as well about them.

[DechanDawa]

If you have known this person for almost 12 years, you were attracted to her many qualities and certainly knew her issues. Your post was mainly in defense of those things you do right (maintaining good health, mature attitude, emotions in balance etc.) and she does wrong. Please note I said mainly. You point to some good aspects of her personality, but more towards those not so great.

I think one way you might approach this is to see what you have been getting out of this situation. Have you been unwittingly thwarting your partner's growth because it keeps you in control?

Habits such as smoking are a sign that someone is quite anxious and maybe depressed. It is a coping mechanism, albeit an unhealthy one. Your situation sounds eerily similar to my own history right down to the one child because the child is a handful thing. If you two don't grow together you will probably grow tired of the situation, and because you are the one who is more professionally secure, you will have the option to check out of this marriage and start a new life with someone "more mature."

Or....you could work hard to see that you have had a hand in how all this has developed. I think that is where a good marriage counselor could help, especially before it is too late. I would simply like to leave you with one thought to consider...that you are getting something out of this situation as painful as it is. There is a power play, and she is stronger than she appears, I might conjecture. Because playing the "child" or dependent as the covert role is a strong defense. But there is also a co-dependency.

Without intervention and hard work it will end badly. However, the potential for growth is tremendous.

Your partner should be encouraged to pursue professional and lucrative work, and not be allowed to live and work far below her potential, as she may need the ability to generate income in the future. The greatest disservice to her is to allow her to not realize her dreams, personally and professionally, as she will simply fade into a shadow of her former self. Her poor self-care is an indication that she is stressed. It's not who she is, it is what she is doing to display her unhappiness. I firmly believe that attending to her needs in all areas will improve her standard of self-care. This comes from my own experience.

[ChipperMonkey]

Yes, has she been traumatized? Did she have a bad childhood? Did she go through a lot of stressful situations?

I honestly think that as someone without struggles it's easy for you to say "she just needs to do X, Y and Z *like me* and she'll be fine". It doesn't really work like that.

I also find much judgment in your statements and little compassion.

Here's one fault of yours that I will point out.

You married her expecting her to change. Don't get mad that she was showing you her true self from the get-go and didn't grow into what you wanted her to be. That simply isn't fair.

[thunderbear]

In my own experience, when one goes through childhood trauma, they are immature emotionally. I think that's due to changes in the brain. Be patient with her. She's doing pretty well from what I can read. She works, goes to therapy.

And again, my opinion, if someone is constantly criticising you, it's going to make you feel bad about yourself. Words hurt. Even if you don't use them harshly. People with mental illness are very sensitive and usually already have self esteem issues and find it difficult to be happy with themselves.

I also find much judgment in your statements and little compassion.

I see Crash trying to understand someone who is very different from him.