[DechanDawa]

Darn. My "best friend" (childhood best friends) really manipulates me. She is critical on the phone and in emails. I didn't communicate with her for about 10 months because I was going through some tough stuff and felt I couldn't handle her. I recently (in the last few months) started communicating with her again, and now I feel she is once again being critical and controlling.

She then sends me cards with all this mushy stuff about being best friends, and leaves similar messages on facebook.

Do you hang on to friendships because the thought of letting go hurts too much? I would like to add that when I am in a better place in my life these things bother me less, and I certainly don't let my friend act abusively towards me. But I now see that this is a habit and something she always does when I am at a low point. It hurts, guys. Am I being way too sensitive? I think...maybe.

[Hairball]

Have you tried telling her how you feel? She may not realize she is even stepping on your feelings.

[DechanDawa]

She was critical on the phone so I kind of hung up quickly, then she sent me an email with more criticism. I emailed her back and told her that yes, it really hurt me when she was so over-the-top critical. I apologized for anything I did that may have triggered her. I have been thinking about this all night. She is very sensitive and I always feel like I am walking on eggshells around her, so I usually don't say how I am feeling. I did muster up the courage to email her about how I was feeling tonight, and I was very tactful. She likes to be the drama queen and take center stage, and her problems are always bigger than anyone's problems. So, yeah, I did email her, and I don't know, maybe she didn't realize that she was stepping on my feelings, but does she care? I don't know. That's why I titled this thread "Abandonment issues..." I just expect to be abandoned, even by someone I have known for decades.

I can see why so many people on PC say they are alone. I am trying to manage anxiety and depression, and it is like I just don't have the energy for interactions that are difficult.

Also, I am angry. She knows I am having difficulties yet dumps all this angst on me. I don't need it. I guess I'm angry and hurt...but, mission accomplished...I did email her and tell her. Did she email me back? No, she did not.

[ChipperMonkey]

I had a childhood best friend that I had to say goodbye to just a few months ago. I don't claim total innocence but for someone who has the same darn disorder as I do, she's extremely unforgiving about my symptoms! Anyway, it got to the point where I knew I was holding on simply because she was once a good friend to me.....at least I think she was once a good friend to me. (Hindsight is a bit more 20/20, eh?) The girl knew no boundaries, put her nose into ALL of my private business (while sharing nothing personal about herself), and so on. I couldn't handle the negativity and the backstabbing and.... It just had to end. It wasn't easy. I'll always love her as a person and wish her the best in life, but I have grown so much over the years, and no longer do we mesh well as friends. Its hard, but if you need to let go of your friend, you can do it. Don't hold on for the sole reason of "but we've been friends forever!" If you do hold on to the relationship, hold on to it because you enjoy being friends with the person she is today.

[BlossomingLen]

I understand your situation. I had to go through something very similar to that. I knew this guy who seemed pretty cool and liked to do voice-acting stuff. So we would do projects together and read things together and just have a good time. He even introduced me to some awesome people and we all hung out together. Then he started telling me about all his problems. At first, I was delighted. I absolutely love helping people and so I listened and tried to help in any way that I could. Things were going fine and we were like brothers. He then revealed that he had a huge crush on me and hated my boyfriend, even though they haven't spoken and he only thing he knew about my boyfriend was... well, that he was my boyfriend. He continued to flirt with me, and I really didn't know what to do. I kept trying to dodge around it, kept trying to say that I just saw him as a brother, kept trying to keep everything peaceful. But that's where the emotional manipulation came in and he started talking about harming himself more often and how much I hurt him and how much he needs me and I was pretty much playing right into his hands. Though he was like a brother to me, he was a danger to my relationship and my emotional state. My grades were going down the drain, I was more irritable and it brought out my depression a lot more. So I dropped him.

It didn't feel good. It was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. Because I knew that before all of that craziness happened, he was depressed and he did need support. But things just grew out of control and no matter what kind of support or kindness I gave him, it always made him feel awful which in return made me feel awful. It wasn't good on me emotionally and, though the situation isn't exactly the same, I bet this isn't good on you emotionally either. If you really can't take it anymore, drop them before it leaves mental scars on you. I know it won't be easy, but it'll all be worth it in the end. I promise. We're here for you!

[divine1966]

I wouldn't be friends with critical people. I grew up with critical father so no thanks.

I dropped friendship with this one woman who every time seeing me made comments about my looks. said I gained weight (have same weight every time) or told me i need to tweeze my eyebrows ( they are done professionally waxed and tweezed), need concealer under my eyes ( my whole family has dark circles under their eyes and no amount of concealer could completely cover it).

I continued spending time with her ( I grew up being criticized so I used to it).

The end came when she commented on my daughters looks. Specifically she said my daughter looks like a little girl not a woman and has a very naive look about her, the kind of look that old men like. Say what????!WTF. This was the end of it for me

I strongly recommend not being friends with critical people. Drop her like s hot potato

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm in an awkward friendship of my own that I am trying to end. Problem is she keeps dropping by. I have just now a letter I've written to her ready for a stamp and mailing. I have found that emails are just not doing the trick. Perhaps the more personal method of a letter will help.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

I had a childhood best friend that I had to say goodbye to just a few months ago. I don't claim total innocence but for someone who has the same darn disorder as I do, she's extremely unforgiving about my symptoms! Anyway, it got to the point where I knew I was holding on simply because she was once a good friend to me.....at least I think she was once a good friend to me. (Hindsight is a bit more 20/20, eh?) The girl knew no boundaries, put her nose into ALL of my private business (while sharing nothing personal about herself), and so on. I couldn't handle the negativity and the backstabbing and.... It just had to end. It wasn't easy. I'll always love her as a person and wish her the best in life, but I have grown so much over the years, and no longer do we mesh well as friends. Its hard, but if you need to let go of your friend, you can do it. Don't hold on for the sole reason of "but we've been friends forever!" If you do hold on to the relationship, hold on to it because you enjoy being friends with the person she is today.

Wow, Chipper, You said it all. I have let go over the years but somehow she has always returned. Maybe this time she won't. I am so sad. I have been actually crying about this today and that surprises me because I just don't cry very much. It's not how I cope. But I feel like my heart is broken. I got another really critical email today and I just can't take it.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by rcat

I'm in an awkward friendship of my own that I am trying to end. Problem is she keeps dropping by. I have just now a letter I've written to her ready for a stamp and mailing. I have found that emails are just not doing the trick. Perhaps the more personal method of a letter will help.

Nah. We've been exchanging emails and I got another one today. This is absolutely my oldest friend, and I am shocked by the things she has said. I think maybe it is a case of what ChipperMonkey said. We've been friends for decades. A lifetime. Almost like sisters. But I guess I just woke up. I was there for her throughout her cancer and treatment, so it isn't one-sided.

In other friendships of lesser length I have tried the letter thing and it has never worked. Usually it takes a phone call or in person. One friend dumped me after inviting me out for dinner to thank me for being so supportive of her when she was going through a rough time! It was funny because I guess I should have gotten up and left, but my dinner had just been served and it was a really great dinner so I stayed and ate it. She spent most of the time on her cell phone.

This other friendship is bigger. It's like a gd divorce.

I'd be interested to see how your thing goes.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I wouldn't be friends with critical people. I grew up with critical father so no thanks.

I dropped friendship with this one woman who every time seeing me made comments about my looks. said I gained weight (have same weight every time) or told me i need to tweeze my eyebrows ( they are done professionally waxed and tweezed), need concealer under my eyes ( my whole family has dark circles under their eyes and no amount of concealer could completely cover it).

I continued spending time with her ( I grew up being criticized so I used to it).

The end came when she commented on my daughters looks. Specifically she said my daughter looks like a little girl not a woman and has a very naive look about her, the kind of look that old men like. Say what????!WTF. This was the end of it for me

I strongly recommend not being friends with critical people. Drop her like s hot potato

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Your situation with that woman sounded insane. I am with you, when the comments extend to children, the friendship is done. Really. Had to laugh because I also have dark circles which no concealer conceals and once someone actually thought I had a black eye!

Yeah, so I got another critical email today and it actually made me cry. All the things I have done wrong, what a pain in the *** I have been, how she patiently listened to all my troubles, and how she told me how to "fix" my life and I wouldn't listen.

If this was a "new" friend they would be gone. But this is an old friend and so there is a weird attachment.

Also, you are absolutely right. This friend can be so critical. This whole thing started because she criticized me about my phone conversation...that I said the wrong things at the wrong times, wasn't sensitive to her needs etc. It's confusing.

Like you, I grew up with critical parents, and siblings, and my exhusband. But since I have been on my own I have less of this in my life so it is no longer the norm. I also quit a job last year because I suddenly realized the person I was working with was insanely critical.

It's like I can't take it anymore. I don't mind a little constructive criticism. But I try to live by the rule of not giving unsolicited advice.

I had a friend who started to get plastic surgery. When we would meet she wouldn't say anything but I would catch her looking at my face. I finally confronted her. I said, "Are you surveying my wrinkles?" because it was just so invasive. I ended that friendship.

This is an older friend and I really think I may have been putting up with a lot of criticism from her because of having gotten used to it from my family of origin.

But now I must be changing - getting healthier -- because I find this kind of critical personality unbearable.

Thank you so much for you comments. Soooooo helpful.

[Skeezyks]

Hi DechanDawa: Friendship is something The Skeezyks knows nothing about... I wish you well... +{{{*'*}}}+

[TryingToMoveForward]

Yes I do....but I haven't been in your situation before. I would honestly say good bye and walk away at this point. Like others said, don't be friends just because you were BFFs has kids. People tend to grow apart over time, and it doesn't make either of you a bad person. If she's being abusive and manipulative though....that's intolerable behavior for me. But you should do whatever you feel is right. And breaking off doesn't have to be bad or ugly.

[DechanDawa]

It is a screwed up friendship but we will probably keep a weak connection leftover from childhood...we will both scurry to the far corners of Facebook, and go silent...sometimes this happens for a year or two. It's a stupid never-ending friendship. However, from all the feedback here I learned one thing. With a new friend, if it gets weird and wacko...cut it off. It is too emotionally draining in a way my mental health does not allow... Thanks all. You helped me big time!