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#1
Dec 19, 2015, 05:59 PM
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Well, here's my story.... And unfortunately it can't be said in a nutshell... This is causing me deep emotional health issues... Back In 2003, I met my wife.. I was in the service and deployed overseas... After I came back, and after living together for a while , we split up after we were married. She had just delivered our only child together... About a year later, while she was talking to her childhood best friend, they decided to make it serious and entered a relationship. This guy was not only with my wife but also a father figure for my daughter.... We never finalized our divorce... After 8 years, we decided to get back together because she was experiencing problems with her boyfriend...
They had a very happy relationship generally but when I came out to visit my daughter a couple months ago, she started to catch feelings for me again but didn't realize it until I left the visit and went back to N.Y.. Toward the end of October, her boyfriend/fiance of 8 years moved out and a week later, I moved in. Here's where it gets complicated.... Due to their history together, she only wants to be friends with me... She wants to have no emotional ties to me... She considers herself single... She still talks to him as a friend and he regularly calls to speak to my daughter since they had a good father/daughter relationship, which is fine.... My problems are, I'm in love with my wife... I wanna be all she wants... A best friend, lover, father of the child, husband... Etc... But she's not ready for anything emotional.... Since I moved back we had sex a few times and hadn't had any in a month... She says I get way too clingy... I'm always anxious, insecure , depressed , afraid she'll go back to him.. I don't know what to do.. I'm afraid of pushing her away even more... How do I just be friends with my sweetheart when all I wanna do is be all that she needs and more? I realize she needs time to process losing the other guy but this is killing me... I can't express myself emotionally as it will lead to an argument... I can't lose her again.... Someone please advise me... What do i do??? Thanks so much |
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#2
Dec 19, 2015, 11:15 PM
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Sounds complicated. She's known him since childhood. She's telling you that she only wants to be friends with you, and that she considers herself single. Is it possible for you to create other areas of your life that are important for you (without her)? Any idea why her boyfriend of 8 years moved out?
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#3
Dec 22, 2015, 09:37 PM
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Hey bro, this sounds WAY complicated (I'm 20, so don't expect much experience) but, have you thought on what does she want?
I don't really wnat to sound rude, and sorry if i do, but in the end, she's the one that will decide what to do with her life. How much have you talked with her? Try to get to re-know both of you. That's what i can suggest. Sorry if it isn't much help. Hope you two can be happy together, best of lucks and happy holydays 
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#4
Dec 22, 2015, 11:21 PM
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Are either of you in counseling? How about your daughter? That's where this scenario gets questionable to me. If neither of you are in counseling, I'd highly recommend doing so. Children do matter to, in all of this. And I am certainly not remotely close to preaching to the choir with you, since you clearly want to make this biological scenario truly nucleus as a family. I probably need to not be on a soapbox. She needs to know what it is that she wants out of life. Right now probably isn't the best time to have questions about her own identity. Not when she has a major responsibility raising your daughter.
Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk |
 DBTDiva
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#5
Dec 23, 2015, 12:40 PM
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Quote:
Love is not supposed to be emotional torture. It is not longing. Passion is not the same as pain. Romance is not supposed to be painful, these are not things that are supposed to be interconnected. No one is anyone's "everything." Being "all someone needs" is not love, it's codependency. Hanging on will not prove to her that you are devoted to her, it will only make her see you the way she already describes you: "clingy... I'm always anxious, insecure , depressed." You say you're "afraid of pushing her away even more" I don't see anywhere where you are pushing her away. She's pushing YOU away, you're hanging on for dear life. Get a divorce. Get joint custody so you can see your kid. Move ASAP. Go see a therapist. Read about codependency. You are going to be in pain as long as you stay in this situation.
__________________
Borderline PD/Major Depression/Anxiety  Living well in recovery from mental illness is possible!
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