Opinions on if this is an unrealistic expectation

Sounds like a nest of narcs, and your lady is the scapegoat in the family, with very enmeshed and controlling relatives. Sounds like they also did the infantilization thing heavily, too.

It is extremely unlikely that this is something you can fix.. as far as healing her or helping her "see the light". The behavior of your lady.. that sort of behavior at its core is done out of deep, terrible fear, likely instilled in her from birth. By adulthood, it is deeply buried in the subconscious and has morphed into a deep, severe terror that standing up to or breaking free from the abuser(s) will result in death. That probably sounds very dramatic, but remember that these things are instilled when the person is a young child.

Therapy is her best hope. Even better if you two can attend some sessions together, as a couple.

It took me many years to be able to break away from crazy patterns of my dysfunctional family ( deep fear and guilt) My t is very helpful. Unless she is willing to work hard in therapy nothing gonna change

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Rereading----

Do some research on gas lighting. This may not be exactly what's going on, but close....

You're not doing wrong, but your fiancé is making you out to be the crazy one. YOU can't get along with her sister, YOU can't get along with her parents, and so on. You're going to start to feel that you're to blame, that there's something wrong with YOU.

I know it seems like your relationship is great, but I think you're thinking in isolation..... Yeah, it's a lot easier to get along with someone one on one, but this isn't how the world works. Ultimately relationships must be able to withstand outside pressures and sadly it doesn't seem like this one can.

I think you got some excellent advice in the last thread, but are you actually listening to what is being said?

I agree with the above.

In my opinion, you did nothing wrong, you're right, you stood your ground and shouldn't have to smooth things out with the parents. See how you're already being manipulated right there? You're being dragged into something awful, and that's for your fiancé and her family to sort out, not you.

But you can take the gamble and keep investing time and energy on this relationship, hoping that things will work themselves out, or you can try and perform a "rescue mission" that is likely to backfire.

You think your relationship is great because you bend over and backwards for your fiancé and at the same time you ignore her inability to compromise.

I understand why you are reluctant to see things as they are, you weigh the pros and dismiss the cons because you believe that it's worth it just because of the pros. But at some point your "self-preservation" has got to kick in.

If you think she's really worth it (I'm not judging, I only know your half of the story), then you can try the "rescue mission" thing, but you're gonna have to make sure that she's all-in and ready to break free from the evil parents and sister, else it's gonna end in tears for you.

Question is: is she ready for that?

I was once told that when you enter a relationship you have to have an attitude of " what you see is what you get". If there is something you feel you need to change in order to be happy then you are better off moving on.

Marrying or even staying with someone in hopes he or she will change never works. I wasted most of my adult life on men whom I hoped would change: either stop drinking or stop putting other always ahead of me or stop catering to their meddling families or this or do that. What a waste of precious life.

I am now finally with a man who I don't need to change. He isn't perfect ( neither am I) but there is nothing i want different.

Go find a woman who is ready made and need no adjustments.

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