[Haunted1]

This post is kind of just a general question that I'm sending out. I realize of course nobody can answer this for me but I'd like the advice and I'm curious as to how others would handle this situation.

I'm not sure if any of you recall but about two years ago I posted and said I was having difficulty with my boyfriends little brother/ my pretty much adopt son. In case you need the info I'll give you a brief rundown.

My boyfriend who was then 25 has a little brother whom the two of us have raised since he was 13 years of age. He was then 21. He began dating a girl who you must forgive me for saying was not the kind you want your son to be with.

While he's worked hard his entire life, got good grades, doesn't smoke, drink, do drugs, or swear. has never gotten in any trouble this girl was the opposite at 19 she'd had a miscarriage, was paying fines for fighting, been kicked out of three high schools, was a drop out, drank, swears and had slept around with several older men. My son had never even been kissed.

Immediately I disliked her and this caused friction. She often told me how much my adopted son hated me, that he told her he didn't want me around, that he thought I was a ***** and I bossed him around and treated him like a child. He apparently told her he wanted to move in with her but I was preventing it (which I was). I am not a prude or anything but I think sex and etc should be between two grown adults who love and trust each other. they weren't even together two months when she wanted to stay over with him and his brother.

Though his brother and I had been dating 7 years I never spent the night with him. I felt this was something that needed to be set so our son understood how to treat someone.

She often said she wanted to stay over and even once confronted me saying I shouldn't have a say in what they did because they were already actively having sex.

This all carried on until we went away for a family weekend with other relatives. I agreed to share a room with her despite it all but insisted that the men share a room elsewhere. This was the only thing I asked since I paid for the rooms and they were in my name.
In the middle of the night she joined my son in his room and refused to leave.
After that I basically said I was done being treated like a doormat and I did not see or speak to my son in nearly a year.

Slowly, he began coming around and he brought her. I made every attempt to be nice even though I still did not approve. At this point my son lived with her in a house her dad gave her and was paying all the bills, she did not work.

I hurt my broke my hand in an accident and was given pain pills. I was allergic and taking them made me violently ill, only a few people knew this all of whom I trusted but she knew and one day I decided the pain was too much I went out for a pain pill to discover that every pill in my home was gone.
Including ones I'd had after surgery, ones I had for the severe menstural cramps I get and my hand ones. I tried to forget it.

His girlfriend began constantly going to the ER for different ailments all of which required massive pain pills and all of which happened at the end of every month. One day while driving with out a license, without insurance, and in a car uninspected she passed out and wrecked. She told the cops that she had been allergic to an antibiotic and it made her pass out.

Immediately I said no more, I believed she had a drug problem and I was not having that in my life.
My boyfriend and I are engaged and set to be married in 7 months, we want children of our own and while he may be there legal uncle and adopted brother I will not put my children in a room with a drug addict.

My fiance' informed his brother of this and he said he understood. He pulled away for a few months.
In august My son and boyfriend stopped at her house to surprise her and caught her in bed with another man. My son of course was devastated and when he asked her why she simply said I don't love you.
He was heartbroken but came back to me and his brother for support which we gave.
For weeks while he cried, refused to eat and was miserable she was ridiculously out of control.

She openly posted comments about my son being funny looking, worthless and not nice to her like her new boyfriend. She posted pictures of herself getting drunk, high and whatever else she felt like. The profanity would also make a sailor uncomfortable.

When her new boytoy went to jail she messaged my son in tears and wouldn't you know it he went running back.
They won't admit they're together but despite my refusing to speak with her he constantly brings her to family events that are not in my control to kick her out.
Dinner at his grandmas and reunions, places I can't stop her from attending.
At the events she sits on her phone and refuses to even speak to anyone, even when spoken too.

I'm at the end of my ropes with it all but there's a large family weekend event that is annual coming up. Once again the rooms will be my in name however I'm not paying, they're simply listed as my name.

I know he thinks he can bring her and I don't want her there, I know she's on drugs for a fact, she drinks, gets in fights and etc.

If I tell him now ahead of time that I refuse to have her in any room with my name on it, is that unfair? Should I just let it go and accept I'm stuck with her for now and make the best of it?
I know if I tell him she can't be in a room under my name it will cause a big fight, he'll refuse to speak to me and probably end up getting a room in his name for the two of them.

The problem is I'm getting tired of the disrespect. He says it's none of my business, that she loves him, he loves her and etc but I feel it's not fair of him to expect me to be okay with this.

Last time we spoke he said that since he's the one he cheated on, he's the only one with a right to be mad and since he's not nobody else should be. It's not the cheating that bothers me it's the drugs.
She recently got let go by a doctor because of a random drug test.
I don't want that associated with me when I have a government job, and am trying to get ready for children.

I just don't know who is being unfair anymore or what I should do about the upcoming weekend.

He is already blowing off me, his brother, his real mother and his best friend because we don't approve and I don't want to lose ties with him but I also don't want involved.

I feel putting my foot down about this makes me the bad guy because that's how everyone else seems to see it.
My boyfriend is in a tough place, torn between his future with and his brother he raised as a son.
He has informed his brother that she is not welcome in the house I live in and absolutely not welcome at the house we are buying nor near our children but I feel that's not getting the message through that we're serious.

So, any advice would help. Thank you.

[yagr]

My adult daughter has a right to date, marry, or sleep with, anyone she desires. Who she dates, marries of has sex with is none of my business.

I don't have to agree. I don't have to like it.

That said, I wouldn't allow anyone into my home if he or she has stolen from me and not made amends. I think the hotel rooms being reserved in your name but you are not paying for it - it's your sons call who is in the room with him if he is paying for it.

I don't think he's blowing you off because you don't approve though. I think he's blowing you off because you are telling him that you disapprove. Over and over and over again. He knows how you feel already. He probably doesn't need to hear it again.

[Haunted1]

I've only ever told him once, not over and over. I don't even care she stole or whom he sleeps with it's the drugs I have a problem with.
I work in a public office and I can't have drugs be found in my home, car or etc. even if I come back clean I will lose my job if anyone suspected that substance was found in my home or vehicle.

I need this job to pay for my house and wedding, my fiancé works but it's not that great of a job right now.

Personally I don't care who he sleeps with, who he has in his room if my name isn't on it. I wouldn't care if I wasn't afraid that if a cleaning woman stumble upon god knows what in the room and looks it up and its in my name. It's also going on my credit care but they're giving me the money to pay for them. He expects me to take care of the rooms because I always have in the past but again I can't afford for substance to be found in a room tied to me.

It's nothing personal against the girl in question so much as not wanting everyone's life to go down the toilet over it.

As for the blowing off he isn't just doing it to me but everyone, his best friend didn't even get to see him on Christmas and I didn't get to see him at all on thanksgiving. He called said to bake him a pie and he'd be there at one and never showed. I only spoke with him once about her and I only stated that I could not have drugs in the house or my car and when I have children of my own I don't want them involved in that kind of a lifestyle.

[Haunted1]

I don't want you to think I'm against sex in general, I'm not.

However, at Christmas eve dinner at his grandmothers sitting at a table beside his grandfather and also seated there were uncles and aunts I do not feel it was appropriate for her to be grabbing his crotch under the table. Which she did and made no effort to hide it.

Now, granted my boyfriend and I may get a little flirty but we try to keep it on the down low, a little.

This was blatant for anyone to see and slightly awkward even more so when they both promptly stood without even a goodbye, thank you for dinner, thank for the gifts and bee lined for the door.

[ChipperMonkey]

If the rooms are in your name, that means you are the one signing the check in papers. If something were to happen.....let's say she burned the hotel down......simply because you signed the check in papers, YOU would be the one who is at least partially responsible. This may be a far fetched example, but you get my point. Don't let her stay in any room under your name.

[ChipperMonkey]

I think you're doing the right thing by distancing yourself from this girl.

Sadly, your son is going to have to learn the hard way. That may mean jail, bankruptcy, or possibly an incurable STD. First love is hard to get over, especially when it's your first everything. Sadly he doesn't know that this isn't love. He's being used. This girl may have a personality disorder. He may be codependent. It sounds like a huge mess.

[Bill3]

He expects me to take care of the rooms because I always have in the past

Stop doing this. Let them arrange their own rooms, starting with this weekend.

He has informed his brother that she is not welcome in the house I live in and absolutely not welcome at the house we are buying nor near our children but I feel that's not getting the message through that we're serious.

I'm not seeing how you can get the message through that you are serious until she actually shows up at your house and you call the police. Is there something specific that you have in mind?

I am sorry to say this, but I wonder if your son is using with her.