[lunatic soul]

There are haoss in my mind about relationships and about what I want and I dont know what to do..i know that no one can give me an answer but..
I have feelings for my therapist for 3 years and now Im in relationship for 6 months with a guy who seemed perfect to me at first but then we started to have issues, he was unhappy with me, he always was sad and disappointed and blamed me for working too much, he also couldnt understand my health issues and made me feel like Im drowning and cant breath. I felt so depressed and got drunk with my friend's friend and he started to kiss me etc, I know Im doing wrong but I couldnt say no. We had sex and I enjoyed it (sex with my bf is boring because he has no experience). That guy didnt want to be with me, he wanted only sex. I thought I would leave my bf to be with him but I met him only for few times when we had sex, I dont know him.
Last night I decided to leave my bf but didnt tell him. he deleted all pics of us in facebook and relationship status and told my best friend that our relationships sucks for months. It hurt me.
I texted that guy I slept with and we had phone sex but after this I felt bad and I cant understand why. Maybe its because of feelings for my therapist.
Now my bf acts like everything is okay and I dont know what to do.
Yes I know I am bad but no matter what I do I feel bad. If Im alone it seems like loneliness is killing me, when im.with my bf it seems like he emotionally destroys me, when I had sex with another man I felt good but now I feel bad and miss my therapist.
I dont know what to do to understand whats happening in my mind.

[Rose3]

Are there some things that you would like to change?

[Permacultural]

From what you typed it seems like commitment has been a challenge. Its so difficult managing different types of urges.

[ChipperMonkey]

I think you should stay single and learn to love yourself instead of looking to others to make you happy.

[divine1966]

Do not have sex with random guy please. You probably feel bad because sex with no emotional connection is typically not satisfying in a long run. I hope you can find a therapist who can help you. When I was your age I did same things you do now. I wish I went to therapy then, not at age 50. I don't regret anything and I can't change it but I looked for love in all wrong places including having sex with no feelings or commitment. Please find good therapist and start the work now. You deserve it

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[CopperStar]

Have you explored in therapy what your childhood bonding with your parents was like?

A relationship with a therapist can feel quite tricky. It's a professional relationship, so you pay money and then the therapist offers almost unconditional attention, empathy, listening, etc.

So if you are a client who didn't feel unconditionally loved and cared for by your parents as a child, and you have a deep craving for that type of love as an adult (that you didn't get as a child), therapy can provide a sort of simulation of that love.

But it's important that that simulation be used for healing and to move forward. From your post, you have been seeing your T for at least 3 years, yet you have still not delved into this core problem, which makes me wonder if your T is not doing the best job.

It's also very common for adults to confuse a need for parental love with romantic love. This is why child abuse victims can easily wind up with lovers as adults who also abuse them. The endless quest to re-do childhood and have a happy, healthier ending, even though unfortunately it typically just leads to repeating the abuse cycle over and over.

But because it is so common for people with wounds and dysfunctions from childhood to seek out (subconsciously) parental figures in lovers as adults, I don't think there is anything bizarre about having romantic feelings for a T, if a client has that problem, and the T is providing a paid simulation of parental love.

But again I think it's concerning that it's been 3+ years in therapy and this fundamental issue hasn't been addressed yet. When a T doesn't really do their job but rather just panders to the client, then it becomes more like paying for the emotional equivalent of an escort, which can make romantic confusion issues even worse.

I would also advise being single until you figure things out. Cheating on people puts their physical health and emotional health at grave risk. You can't mend hearts you break, and you can't take back herpes.

[divine1966]

I kind of thought the same thing as Copper. When I started therapy I right way started working on my childhood wounds that cause me to attract wrong men and seeking unhealthy relationships. She said growth starts with awareness.

I know your t might be working on other things with you like obsessions but you might need a different t to address other things. It pains me to read on PC how people continue seeing their Ts because they are in love with them yet no work gets done. It pains that some Ts seem to be ok with it or maybe even like it. I am questioning quality of their work

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[lunatic soul]

Thank you for replies!

I broke up with my boyfriend and Im wondering if we were happy if we tried again. Its so hard to be alone, its so hard to look at people who are happy together but at the sane time I feel free because my bf tortured me emotionally.

My relationship with T is more like friendship, I feel like Im seeing my friend in jail. If I had money I would see another T (sometimes I saw) but then I should tell everything from the start. My t made me feel im special saying Im the only one he hugged and I pay less then others and he would never forget me and thinks about me, also in sexual way, sure I hoped we could have relationship but I know we cant and he doesnt want to. It would be better if we were friends but he wants to be only my t and it tortures me but Im not obsessed anymore and looking for another relationship because I want family, children etc.

[divine1966]

It's unethical of your t yo tell you he thinks of you in sexual way. So unacceptable.

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