[Yismymindblank12]

I'm really angry all the time. I feel like just getting in fights and just self destructing and just vent my energy in any way when I'm in these situations. It's not that the other person is happy with whomever or that they are in a relationship and I'm not.

It's a very painful insecurity, I feel a very lack of me. I am an asshole. I'm not going to hold that back and try to justify it's ok to do some of things I've done or will do, but they came a bad place. I didn't like being this way, but I usually don't talk to people anymore and I hate being around most people because they screw me over or I get jealous and I avoid bringing up and I rarely get into drama it finds me from someone else. I internalize everything, because I live in a house all my life and an environment where I can't feel or say certain things because the other people like to **** on me.

Love is impossible when there is no trust or validation or just feeling like you matter from yourself within or when you do from within and they don't. You try to trust them, but it always ends in disappointment. I feel so bad for the girl who would like me, because I feel she do so much better instead of trying to be faithful to me, because she probably lose her patience. I hate people. I truly do.

I realize I smoke weed to escape the feeling I'm stuck with. I didn't want this, but I didn't have much of a choice. Making better life habits socially and emotionally are near impossible for me. I've went out my way for so many people and no one gives any reason to try to show their gratitude. The only that did I never see much anymore and one of them died recently.

Really I'm so damaged, I feel it's not worth it hurting someone else and feeling worse about it later because you are hurting and the other person can't do anything about it. I feel like a leech and that I deserve anything. My mother makes it clear how my feelings don't matter.

A lot of people now don't know how badly I've really wanted to die, because of this. My whole life has been like this, trying to be enough for myself and when being told your best isn't enough all the time hurts.
I can't have kids, my 2 exes ago told me all the time how ****** I was for things I didn't do or had control over. Blaming problems that weren't mine and forcing me to care, using the phrase I will leave you if you don't call my friend about my cat or something so stupid or something like if you don't have sex with me a third time I think you're cheating.

Like I grew up with no say. I tell everyone to go away because I need that boundary. I get angry and break **** and blow up to express I don't care about your silly games or your feelings you didn't care about mine. I hope you feel bad for this.

This has bothered today especially my two managers are jerks separately and are very ignorant folk. They are simple closed minded people who are blaming others for their own mistakes or making drama out of nothing type of people. They seem to be everywhere in northern ky while doing meth and whatever. Anyways, they are dating now and combining their worst qualities making my life harder than what it shouldn't be. Making out when they should be working yelling at me to get **** done, and they are having fun.

This stuff people do getting so enamored over someone is like a different world to me, I used to be that way many years ago. I'm not like that, I'm distant now. I hate intimacy. I hate saying I love you. I would literally smack myself and get angry for feeling or even mentioning it. I'm very critical over others when it comes to my own vulnerabilities. I get very angry and hurt when people want more than friends. I don't trust people.

It's very very very hard for me. I'm not looking for a reason to trust people anymore. I'm too hurt. Simply put it, therapy hasn't helped my environment makes it worse every day I want to know if I want to die today or not. I'm that disconnected from everyone. I really liked this girl who liked me back, but I didn't want to admit it, because I don't want a new person in my life to lose over my **** or someone to leave me or die or whatever. I feel very horrible for her, I feel guilty and I just want it to stop and she go away, but I won't tell her that, because I like her and respect her as a friend. She really has a thing for me and is really pretty and I couldn't stop crying how hard it is for me to do any of this.

Simply I don't want love it's not real I don't believe in it. I didn't convince myself this, it's just every time I tried to believe otherwise it never happened. It goes a very long way.

The hardest thing all my closest friends make more out of what they are given and have and I used to have it. I don't as much or nearly like they do. I really taking it out on myself starving binges and over exercising, because I hate how I look and I feel it's all my insecurities is why people don't like me. I sometimes don't like showing my face in public I'll wear hoodies or I run away from people by running past them not glancing or paying notice.

Most people see me as indifferent in appearance, but if only people knew what this was like.

I made it clear I can't have kids, I don't want to fail anymore people I don't want to make anymore mistakes in life. I don't want to be tied to someone and I don't need someone to drag me into something I don't care about.

Yeah I'm a jerk so what most people are too. It doesn't change whether I'm happy sad or angry. It's always the same.

[healingme4me]

Does sound like you're at a point in your life where being unattached might be the best thing,

It's too bad you're surrounded by people that negate all your work in therapy. But I guess that's neither here nor there.

If you aren't involved why is the kids discussion coming up?

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[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Does sound like you're at a point in your life where being unattached might be the best thing,

It's too bad you're surrounded by people that negate all your work in therapy. But I guess that's neither here nor there.

If you aren't involved why is the kids discussion coming up?

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Because I been in awkward situations where someone really wants kids from me and I don't want to at all. I don't like being put on that spot and treated like I'm expected to. I say no I mean no. Some people need to slow way down with relationships.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Yismymindblank12

Because I been in awkward situations where someone really wants kids from me and I don't want to at all. I don't like being put on that spot and treated like I'm expected to. I say no I mean no. Some people need to slow way down with relationships.

Good point. Do these women not value the process of proceeding with caution and determining if there's a long term future? Granted kids are part of the discussion, yet that's not all to be discussed when developing a long term future? Making babies isn't something to be lightly decided upon, in my humble opinion. Raising children is a major responsibility. Personally, a huge reason why I undertook as much therapy work, as possible, since it took more than intellectualizing how my past/childhood affected me. Which leaves me wondering how it's possible these women believe they are close to ready...

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[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Good point. Do these women not value the process of proceeding with caution and determining if there's a long term future? Granted kids are part of the discussion, yet that's not all to be discussed when developing a long term future? Making babies isn't something to be lightly decided upon, in my humble opinion. Raising children is a major responsibility. Personally, a huge reason why I undertook as much therapy work, as possible, since it took more than intellectualizing how my past/childhood affected me. Which leaves me wondering how it's possible these women believe they are close to ready...

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Not really what I experienced. They value control over love. I don't like how yesterday at work when they were getting affectionate while I'm working my butt off they always yell at me. He's all enamored over her and getting love drunk. Love drunk people annoy me a lot. I don't get like that ever anymore. I think it's a weird feeling once enjoying it now despising it. Like I see people get taken advantage of all the time when they are love drunk. It makes no sense why you should just be head over heels over someone you don't know.
I don't know how to like or love people anymore, because I don't like going out my way for nothing. I don't like helping people who don't care. I'm high maintenance and being expected to drop everything for someone else to run away get married and have kids suddenly isn't my life goals.

I'm not sorry for anyone I upset, because if they planned on having kids it won't be with me. I'm not continuing the cycle. I'm not going through hell again. I'm not going to lame therapy that barely helps and I don't want to do couples therapy I don't want to look like how I did with my last exes and my parents. I don't want any of that, I want someone to see past all my pain and actually care about me. That never happens.

So I don't believe people when they say they love me. I don't give them chances on certain things, because I can't do that without self sabotaging myself or the relationship or ended up getting screwed over. I stay alone, because it's the easiest I can do, but it's frustrating when everyone has it happened so easily, but for me it's like impossible. I know it has to do with me, I'm not denying anything. I just hate it, I can't do much, because no one cares to give me any chance at anything always downplaying me and expecting me to be less than a person. I hate people because they don't appreciate me.

I get so angry when other people who treat me like crap talk about how great everything is and I want to beat the **** out of them just to shut up. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

I don't act on anything, because my consequences of acting mature I am on a balancing act all the time of being too submissive or aggressive and the other person is too ignorant to understand anything what I'm saying.

I usually have drawn in superficial friends or girls that want to hook up and have sex with me and at the same time asking for a relationship or something unexpected that isn't needed. Like have double expectations that aren't addressed till later. Like I hate that, why do people go saying I love you after hooking up and not knowing the person and expect a lasting relationship. I tell those people to go away, not because I don't like them, I don't like doing that. It's not ok with me. It's rushing and it's a disaster waiting to happen. I know what it's like being screwed so badly you can't even tell if you do anything right and when you try to make any relationship happen it never shows up. For others, they ask me why am I always alone. I'm like because no one does **** with me or ****s with me so I don't **** with them.

People pretend and I'm now at a point where I can't get very mean or disrespectful with honesty or just not being rude and being honest about what someone says to me or something about them they should know. I really don't care about someone else's feelings, when I see they don't about mine. I make everything very cut dry and clear of what is going on and that I am not interested in many types of relationships people have period, because of me. I feel like the failure and I don't want to drag others down or feel that I have to be enough. I'm sick of hearing on here and everywhere I have to love myself or work on myself. Because I've been doing that for a long time and it's not given the results it says for others. I'm not impatient or doing it wrong. It's just it doesn't happen like that for me.

I don't live in some fantasy where my dreams come true, they haven't. Most of the time I wish I was dead and I wouldn't think of any of the people I was around, because I wish they knew the specific people knew how they make me feel. I used to rely on people, I don't ever. They don't like it that I don't. I don't care. I saw they only like putting me down and I'm not around people who build me up enough. Many days I want to just run as fast as I can and get away from all of this.

I never really had what people call family it's just superficial. When I was with them at christmas of course we get along great and have a good time, but I don't know why for me. It's like a wall, with my cousins who are my age they don't hang out and go and have fun and invite me to things like we used to. Same with my friends my parents move on and just drop me off and leave me at some random place and just go to a casino and I'd be out in some bad neighborhood waiting for someone to hopefully come get me.

It's happened alot. I don't have anyone dependable. I don't saying I love you, it's like the biggest offense to me when I say it. I feel the other person doesn't deserve because I don't deserve it and they don't see past this wall. I put it up, just to filter everyone out, because I don't have a stable place to bring some of them down to work on it better. So it's pointless as of now for things getting better. It's just how it is. I smoke weed a lot to escape this.

I dream all the time and day dream of what it feels like what I needed and wanted it's really nice.

That someone would go through the fire and flames and not save me just be here and want to show they want me around. That's what I needed. I feel someone trying to hug me all the time at my good and bad times and it's like trying understand it in the real world is very difficult. I feel the exact opposite in reality. My temper has been very short recently and it's getting into my work place environment. I just lose my self and going back feeling trapped where I'm currently at feeling frustrated how I'm not getting what I want, because I'm stuck working in this lame job that over works me pays me scraps and I never have a life anymore. I don't have the means to be with my close friends I used to have. I don't have space for myself and my parents drama constantly. All the time people try to mess with me pretending to like me.

If someone pretends to like you as in compliments on how you look or how you are and then just drops you and acts like they don't know you or make fun of you. Acting like it's funny to make me upset. You can't help it over years when people just reject you or treat you like that to feel like you aren't much of any value. I'm just saying how it is. I don't like eating, because I feel ugly if I have weight. Very ugly. I feel angry and worthless when I have weight. Even if I'm skin and bones I'd be happier on that obsession that I'm not fat, because I'm hoping it brings me closer to what I needed and wanted all along, but nothing happens or changes.

My mom is trying her damnest to keep me at these ****** jobs to make money to help her financial debt when I can't get a car when I needed one to buy to go to and from work and I'm forced to rely on them, and I can't go pay for medical insurance for my problems and I can't even get my dental problems fixed ever. I can't do much and I can't go to college period. I can't do certain things in the speed other people. I'm at a point now, I don't know whether I want to know what happens in my life further or I just want to die now.