I am confused. I have a casual friend that I have, been friends with her since the fall of 2013. She would go back and forth in terms of showing sings of genuine interest in being friends and not giving a crap about me. At one point she used me for money but then I stood up to her and got that resolved so she doesn't do that anymore. But ever since the 2013-2014 school year ended, she basically withdrew all contact from everyone in our group and even became mean towards us. She got kicked out of the college so she never returned the following year as a student.

But after long periods of silence, she would start talking again and make it seem like she actually does care about me as a friend after I had basically mentally written her off as a friend, assuming she wanted nothing to do with us. That went on and off and then this past year after about a month or so of silence, she comes to visit on the last day of school and announces that she wants to see me graduated which was a couple days later in May 2015. She attended the ceremony, surprisingly. And I didn't invite her originally but told her she is welcome to attend if she wanted.

And then after the ceremony, she drifted away, only to come back to life for a month or so during the summer and invited me to Kennywood once, which is an amusement park, and I did the same thing. Then in September, she drifted away again. Any texts to her are either one word answers and most of them completely ignored. One time she admitted that she is just lazy and just sometimes does not give a crap, which I suspected. She can be brutally honest, to the point of being rude. Also she has ADHD so I'm not sure if that contributes to this.

She had a falling out with the other group members but when we did hang out as a group in the past, she pretty much ignored me. I was told she really is not a true friend and I agree, but at the same time, not sure why she would attend a graduation ceremony or invite me places if she does not like me as a friend at all. Just confused at her behavior. She will go long periods without talking and making it like she could care less about me, followed by small periods of genuine interest. And she is not that busy too. Just confused by her behavior. Does she really like me as a friend but has a poor way of showing it or does she not really like me and just did those certain things out of obligation or politeness? Just very confused.

[gayleggg]

Sounds to me like she likes you but she doesn't know how to be a friend. She seems self absorbed and doesn't take the time to care about others feelings.

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[Permacultural]

Sounds like obligation to me. I'd talk to her about it directly.

[divine1966]

She sounds not interested that much. I wouldn't worry about her and look for new friends.

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Originally Posted by Permacultural

Sounds like obligation to me. I'd talk to her about it directly.

I agree. I have talked to her about it but she hasn't changed and she said she does care but actions speak louder than words.

Originally Posted by divine1966

She sounds not interested that much. I wouldn't worry about her and look for new friends.

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I agree. She isn't interested. She doesn't really care about anyone.

[Trippin2.0]

Sounds alot like me actually, but I at least engage via text when someone reaches out.


I prefer my own company, lucky for me, my friendships started in childhood, even my bf I've known half my life, so these folks know I go MIA, prompt me if its going on for too long (I do try to not stay away too long) and accept me as is.


And contrary to popular belief, I do care about my friends deeply and am not self absorbed.

I'm just not a very social creature, or I have to be in a very specific mindset to behave as one.

[Permacultural]

Originally Posted by ryanLR15

I agree. She isn't interested. She doesn't really care about anyone.

And that's fine, she's entitled to be self absorbed. In my experience, whenever I've had this conversation with someone, it's usually the last talk we have.

[divine1966]

People aren't obligated to maintain close friendships with others. Especially if it is just casual. It is wrong to use others for money but other than that I would not worry or label her as self absorbed. We can't be friends with everyone

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[hazn]

Either accept her as she is, or let her go. My personal opinion is that it's better not to spend too much time and energy on these types of people. It all depends on what you want out of the friendship, though. Perhaps a good way of maintaining a relationship with her is to give her as much as she gives you. Nothing more, nothing less ...though it wouldn't surprise me if as soon as you do that she miraculously becomes super interested in you again.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Sounds alot like me actually, but I at least engage via text when someone reaches out.


I prefer my own company, lucky for me, my friendships started in childhood, even my bf I've known half my life, so these folks know I go MIA, prompt me if its going on for too long (I do try to not stay away too long) and accept me as is.


And contrary to popular belief, I do care about my friends deeply and am not self absorbed.

I'm just not a very social creature, or I have to be in a very specific mindset to behave as one.

Makes sense.

Originally Posted by Permacultural

And that's fine, she's entitled to be self absorbed. In my experience, whenever I've had this conversation with someone, it's usually the last talk we have.

Yeah I know, same here pretty much.

Originally Posted by divine1966

People aren't obligated to maintain close friendships with others. Especially if it is just casual. It is wrong to use others for money but other than that I would not worry or label her as self absorbed. We can't be friends with everyone

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Yes I totally agree with you. If she does not want to be friends with me, that is perfectly fine. Just don't understand why she is in and out if contact if she really does not want to be friends with me. Like, it would be better if she just stopped all together in my opinion.

Originally Posted by hazn

Either accept her as she is, or let her go. My personal opinion is that it's better not to spend too much time and energy on these types of people. It all depends on what you want out of the friendship, though. Perhaps a good way of maintaining a relationship with her is to give her as much as she gives you. Nothing more, nothing less ...though it wouldn't surprise me if as soon as you do that she miraculously becomes super interested in you again.

I agree and I have considered doing what you said. I initiate contact less and less now so what you said makes sense.

[hazn]

Originally Posted by ryanLR15

I agree and I have considered doing what you said. I initiate contact less and less now so what you said makes sense.

I've found that some people are just impossible to understand, and trying to understand them just isn't worthwhile. Why bother, when you can go find someone who actually knows how to be a normal friend. What's frustrating is that there's no consistency. It's extremes in both directions ...either they act like they're absolutely interested in you, or they act like they're absolutely disinterested in you. And this can change at any time. Then you're left thinking... uh... how is this even possible?! Did I do/say something wrong?!

Can you relate to this, or is it just me?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ryanLR15

Yes I totally agree with you. If she does not want to be friends with me, that is perfectly fine. Just don't understand why she is in and out if contact if she really does not want to be friends with me. Like, it would be better if she just stopped all together in my opinion.

I keep casual contact with some people yet we aren't close friends. Some people are just casual acquitances. Not a big deal

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Originally Posted by hazn

I've found that some people are just impossible to understand, and trying to understand them just isn't worthwhile. Why bother, when you can go find someone who actually knows how to be a normal friend. What's frustrating is that there's no consistency. It's extremes in both directions ...either they act like they're absolutely interested in you, or they act like they're absolutely disinterested in you. And this can change at any time. Then you're left thinking... uh... how is this even possible?! Did I do/say something wrong?!

Can you relate to this, or is it just me?

Oh I totally relate. That is exactly what is happening here. She goes from one extreme to the other. It is very annoying. I definitely no longer consider her a close friend. Close friends do not do that. Sometimes I wonder if she considers me a back up friend since way back when we had a group, she would only talk to me one-on-one. If we were in a group, I was absolutely invisible and nothing to her.

Originally Posted by divine1966

I keep casual contact with some people yet we aren't close friends. Some people are just casual acquitances. Not a big deal

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Yeah I know.

[hazn]

Originally Posted by ryanLR15

Oh I totally relate. That is exactly what is happening here. She goes from one extreme to the other. It is very annoying. I definitely no longer consider her a close friend. Close friends do not do that. Sometimes I wonder if she considers me a back up friend since way back when we had a group, she would only talk to me one-on-one. If we were in a group, I was absolutely invisible and nothing to her.

I think there are many reasons why someone might be like that, and you've mentioned one of them. I get the impression that people who do this are more hedonistic/self-absorbed types. They might turn to you when their other options aren't quite working out, or need something. It makes me suspect they view people more as objects who are to be used for their own interests, rather than actual people. It creates a horrible dynamic, to be honest. I think these types are maybe also more narcissistic. That's the only way I can explain their behavior. Anyway, it's better to spend your time building relationships with people who are able to reciprocate, so just do that instead

Originally Posted by hazn

I think there are many reasons why someone might be like that, and you've mentioned one of them. I get the impression that people who do this are more hedonistic/self-absorbed types. They might turn to you when their other options aren't quite working out, or need something. It makes me suspect they view people more as objects who are to be used for their own interests, rather than actual people. It creates a horrible dynamic, to be honest. I think these types are maybe also more narcissistic. That's the only way I can explain their behavior. Anyway, it's better to spend your time building relationships with people who are able to reciprocate, so just do that instead

Yep, I agree with you 100 percent. She can come off as very narcissistic as well. And yeah she just used people, usually for money, food, like she would just start eating other people's food, especially mine, without permission, and uses some people as back up friends. She obviously does not care about me now that I think of it. I agree, it is better to just move in and find other people to talk to and be friends with.