[Murmug]

Hi all,
I am struggling. I need advice, I feel like I'm going crazy. My fiancé and I have been together going on 2 years. I recently found out he has been lying about his past all along. Here's a brief explanation. I have been married before and my now ex husband cheated on me with prostitutes. It was a very sore subject with me and I didn't want to go through something like that again or be with someone who ever lived that lifestyle. Fast forward to 2 years ago I met my now fiancé and upon agreeing to commit and be bf/gf I asked him directly if he had ever had anything to do with prostitution, escorts, etc because that would be a deal breaker. He said no and I had no cause to doubt him. After a few months of dating I found an email for mutual arrangements in his email by accident. I was shocked and he admitted to being on it before we met. For those of you that don't know mutual arrangement is a sex for sugar baby site. I was shocked, hurt and lost some trust in him. I had asked him how many women and he said he "dated" 4 but only slept with one. His ex gf whom he lied to me about meeting her there. I felt a nagging suspicion that he was lying and kept asking him for a year and a half if he had had sex with any of those other women as I found emails, personal effects (sex toys and condoms) around his house that suggested otherwise. I told him just let me know now because if that's the case I don't want to find out later. He spent the last year swearing to me that he did not, every time I would find something he would tell me that I was crazy and paranoid and he wanted to break up. He would convince me that I was and I would just let it go believing I was going crazy but I still had suspicion. Well a few days ago is when everything came crashing down. I found a SIM card belonging to a phone in his car and demanded to know where that phone was as we both have phones that do not use SIM cards. He told me again that I was "nuts" and there was no other phone, but my gut told me different. So I called the phone company and gave them the numbers on the SIM card and sure enough it was a phone that he bought just last month. He told me that they didn't know what they were talking about. I found the phone. He had been using it to secretly call his ex wife. He said that she was his friend that he didn't want to let go and since I did not like it when he talked to her, when we got into a fight he bought a cell so he could. I was livid, hurt and more feeling betrayed and lied to. I then demanded to know what else he was hiding. I had caught him on dating sites etc when we would fight in the past. Long story short I forced him to open up his email to me and sure enough all of the women from mutual arrangements that he claimed not to sleep with. He did. Including one stating that she had hepatitis C. I was in shock that he had been lying to me and making up elaborate stories about these women for almost 2 years to keep me from finding out. All our trust is broke and gone. He told me that he lied because it was none of my business who he slept with in the past but I countered that I had asked him point blank in the beginning if he had and he denied it so he lied and deceived me. Also he put my health at risk by not telling me he had sex before with someone with hep c. I feel it was his job just to answer yes or no in the beginning when I asked him, without providing details so I had the choice to decide if I wanted to date him. I feel completely turned off by him and the fact that he was so desperate to get laid that he would sleep with a woman that has hep c knowingly. He already has genital herpes but told me he got it in his 20s now I'm not so sure. My question is do I have a right to be mad that he lied about his past when I asked him? I believe I do but he has made me feel so crazy that I doubt my own thoughts/instincts. Sorry for the long winded story and thank you to everyone in advance.

[shezbut]

Welcome to PC, Murmug.

Sorry that you're facing a similar experience with your current fiance. What matters is how you feel inside.

It *sounds* like you feel that you cannot trust your fiance, especially everything that has recently happened with him. He lied to you, repeatedly, about several different things. Is that something that you're willing to overlook? I don't think so. Is it something that you're willing to try to work through, with a professional? I don't know.

I do think that working through these issues is going to be a major challenge for you, regardless of whether or not you're with him. It really sounds as though your fiance is trying to avoid all judgment by turning it back upon you. IMO, he should take some responsibility for the lies that he's told you for so long. While he did explain that he's been using his cellphone to talk with his ex-wife, it certainly took him being up against the wall to finally get some admission from your fiance.

Your fiance just does not sound emotionally devoted to you. It also sounds like you simply c-a-n-n-o-t trust him either. Without trust, what is there??

Gentle hugs to you.

[Trippin2.0]

Of course you have a right to be mad, you have the right to be livid.


He point blank lied to your face and continued to do so for 2 years. On top of it, he's risked your health as well.


What kind of person even does that!

I would not want to spend my life with a person like that.


I mean, I'm all for keeping the past in the past, regarding details of exes, but you had valid reasons to ask about his sexual past, as there was a clear deal breaker for you and you wanted to make sure it didn't surface later on.


He robbed you of that choice by lying.


I'm not telling you what to do, but in your shoes, I would cut my losses and run.


Since he's kept the lies up for 2 years, forgiving him and trying to re-establish trust may just translate to giving him permission to deceive you again.


After all, you "got over it" the first time didn't you...


Some people just suck at being human, its sad.


I'm so sorry he's put you through this, knowing what your ex did to you. I hope you find a way to heal and move forward from this pain and any old wound it might have scraped open

[divine1966]

Sorry you have to deal with this. I wouldn't worry as much what he did in the past. People make mistakes for number of reasons. And some things just hard to admit ( number of sex partners for example etc). Also many people get std and it's unfortunate. I wouldn't judge that.

But I would be way more concerned about what he does NOW. He has a secret phone. No one buys secret phone to talk to ex wife. It is pretty clear why he has a secret phone. Also when you fought he went on dating sites? Ugh? Will he do it when married too?

Sorry he is not committed and isn't emotionally healthy and his behavior isn't going to change. Sorry for being blunt but you can never trust him.

Please do not marry this man. Consider it a blessing you found out now. Please be careful and safe and put your needs and safety first.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[JustJenny]

I don't have much to add to the above. I think you should save yourself.

[ChipperMonkey]

I only read the beginning.

Without trust, there is no foundation for a quality relationship.

He's been lying to you from the very start.

Essentially your relationship is built on lies.

Do you think you deserve better?

Edited....

I read a few more lines.

This guy is SELFISH! I dated a guy who smoked. I have extreme sensitivity to smoke. It gives me migraines, aggravates my heart issues, etc. Smoking is a total deal breaker. I asked him point blank, as you did. Well, awhile later he flaunted his damn pack of cigarettes in front of me. I called him on his crap. He told me he lied because he didn't want things to end. (I asked him the second day I was talking to him.) It was a TOTAL disregard for my personal health. Selfish, selfish, selfish. He knew I'd stop talking to him if he told me he smoked.

This guy will lie to you about anything to get what he wants. Why throw your life away on someone like that?

HepC? That can shorten your life. Attempted murder? (Does this put it in perspective?)

[JustJenny]

Oh, I missed the medical part of it. Seriously, save yourself!!

[winter4me]

You are not crazy. And, you cannot trust him in ways that are a "must" for you. Let him go. Seriously, you've been there before.
You have every right to be angry----you have been betrayed.