[Pretender79]

Why do I always seem to attract or get involved with toxic people?

Is it because I'm an adult child of alcoholics? I'm not crazy about labels, but wth?

[vonmoxie]

People who've been victimized multiple times before tend to carry emotional residues that allow toxic people to be able to identify them as easier targets. That's also how a pattern of bullying can happen.

The only good solution I personally found to work is to get better at identifying toxic people than they are at identifying me, and to pre-emptively manage how I communicate with them. Ask yourself the hard questions about what others want out of relationships with you: sometimes you'll be pleasantly surprised, and other times you may find yourself seeing people in a different light and better off keeping them at an emotional distance.

You can still be cordial, or course. You know what they say: keep your friends close and your enemies closer..

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by Pretender79

Why do I always seem to attract or get involved with toxic people?

Is it because I'm an adult child of alcoholics? I'm not crazy about labels, but wth?

I attract them, too. I am very soft spoken and quiet but lots of fun to be with, too. I bet you are the same way. Sometimes I cannot tell a toxic person right away but I am starting to. Look for signs of them being toxic to you. Try not to let them get close to you quickly so that you have a chance to identify them and end things before you get hurt again. All the best to you.

[divine1966]

I always attracted people who are just like my father: really difficult. I started to recognize signs of difficult people only after hard work in therapy. I can so relate. As long as you are aware of this you will be able to start noticing signs early on

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[specialneedsmom]

If someone makes you feel bad about yourself in any way, its best to walk away from them.

sometimes you are stuck and try to make the best of it but that doesn't work either. It's not worth trying.

What I've read is that we'll be attracted to people who feel familiar to us. I finally recognised this about myself a couple of years ago when a friend let me down and I started to wonder about our relationship. I realised my friend was quite similar to my dad - very distant, almost cold, uncaring. I started to think what the hell have I been doing with someone like that in the first place!

I'm learning to make better choices when it comes to the kind of people I want to have in my life.

My mum's dad was a violent alcoholic, and my mum married my dad who is scary and dangerous in different ways. I suspect my mum doesn't even realise this, maybe because she learned as a child that her fear doesn't matter. It's heartbreaking.

Family of Origin + the fact that I am an optimist. I always expect the best of people. So I give them too many chances to get it right.

[Permacultural]

Interesting subject. What would be the signs of a toxic man and a toxic woman?

Permacultural, I'd say that if someone tells you they like you, appreciate you, want to be with you, love you - you should feel this. You should feel loved!

If they say one thing but do something completely different, you cannot trust them. Trust how you feel. If you feel there's something wrong, then there is. If they say sweet things but abuse you in any way, leave - you deserve better!

This is another thing I thought of just now, though - people who have been abused, especially as children, might learn they are worthless. They won't leave bad relationships because they may not even realise anything is wrong ('This is what I've always known!') or becaue they don't believe they deserve better. Again, heartbreaking

[vonmoxie]

Originally Posted by Permacultural

Interesting subject. What would be the signs of a toxic man and a toxic woman?

I think toxic is relative; what is toxic to me might not be toxic to you, and vice versa.

Maybe among the signs of a person who is especially toxic to us individually though, would be clear indications that they are aware of our buttons and push them anyway, in order to cause actions on our part with negative consequences, such as becoming angry, or feeling especially intimidated or embarrassed, or generally feeling lessened in their presence instead of enriched. Or even invoking our desire to be helpful and giving but to our eventual detriment.

Such as, there's this whole culture of "negging", which is when guys who want to prey on girls with low self-esteem specifically say things to invoke it, to imply that said girls are not good enough for them, and cause them to aspire as a result. Which I think is pretty horrifically toxic behavior. Luckily, I'm fairly impervious to that particular toxic behavior, which only invokes in me a mild rage; not the intended result. I pity the po' fool who tries to neg me, for I do not find it to be the least bit cute.

But I have a couple of other weak points; less than I once had. Fewer and fewer as I get older.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by vonmoxie

Such as, there's this whole culture of "negging", which is when guys who want to prey on girls with low self-esteem specifically say things to invoke it, to imply that said girls are not good enough for them, and cause them to aspire as a result. Which I think is pretty horrifically toxic behavior. Luckily, I'm fairly impervious to that particular toxic behavior, which only invokes in me a mild rage; not the intended result. I pity the po' fool who tries to neg me, for I do not find it to be the least bit cute.

WHAAAAA?????

I haven't heard of this before, but I have no doubt you're being truthful. Shyte, if some guy told me I wasn't good enough for him, I'd tell him to hit the pavement and go find someone who is good enough for him. If he acted (in any way) that I wasn't good for him, I'd do the same.

Heck, some guy puts me down, I already tell him to do better. I don't put up with the put downs, no matter how subtle. (Constructive criticism is different, but IME most haven't mastered the art of how to correctly do this.)

[vonmoxie]

I wish I was making it up! These guys often refer to themselves as pick-up artists, but it just sounds like interpersonal crime to me. From the Wikipedia article about their community and practices:

"Negging" has been described as the practice of giving a woman a backhanded compliment such as "nice nails -- are they real?", to weaken her confidence and therefore render her more vulnerable to seduction.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by vonmoxie

I wish I was making it up! These guys often refer to themselves as pick-up artists, but it just sounds like interpersonal crime to me. From the Wikipedia article about their community and practices:

That's pretty disgusting. Yet at the same time I'm not really shocked by any of it.

[Pretender79]

How do you recognize someone that is toxic? I've obviously spent most of my life not recognizing them early on.

[vonmoxie]

Originally Posted by Pretender79

How do you recognize someone that is toxic? I've obviously spent most of my life not recognizing them early on.

A couple of things that work for me:

-- If I notice that I always seem to be doing things for them, or paying for things, and what they do in return doesn't come close to evening the contribution (they are unduly feeding off my good will)
-- If I feel badly about myself around them for no good reason (they enjoy being intimidating, feeling superior, etc.)
-- If I hear from other people that they reveal confidences I've shared with them, or that they speak disparagingly about me (they are two-faced, don't respect me)
-- If I notice that they focus on the details of my life in an unusual way (could be cataloguing information about me for use later in a negative way, to terrorize me, stalk me, etc.)
-- If they generally can't resist an opportunity to be critical or negative. While this could be signs of many things, some of which might be understandable or forgivable, for me I can't be around that kind of energy for extended periods of time -- toxic for me.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Permacultural

Interesting subject. What would be the signs of a toxic man and a toxic woman?

Someone that I'm attracted to.

Not so much today, but once upon a time. Recognizing that I was attracting unhealthy people, I refused to let anyone close while I examined it. I paid particular attention to people that I would not normally like and examined why. Learned a lot.