[guilloche]

My family is a mess. My (younger) brother dropped out of school, is an addict, is regularly in jail, regularly struggles with homelessness and unemployment, etc.

My heart breaks for him. Our parents did a rotten job at being parents, and it seems like he got the worst of it, being the youngest. He's 5 years younger than me, so while I was able to escape to college, he got bounced around between my parents with their random new partners and partners' kids, and felt very unwanted.

So, last year when he was in jail, he contacted me and we began writing. He was scared that he didn't have any chances left, and that he was going to get sent to state prison this time. I sent him stamps and envelopes and wrote regularly.

By some miracle, he got into a diversion program. He (supposedly) got cleaned up in jail, and released. He was homeless for awhile, but always seemed to find people to help him out (we don't live in the same state). He was working for an old friend, and renting a room from another friend. We talked every once in awhile on the phone.

I couldn't reach him over Christmas. I was going to send him a card and a small gift card.

So, yesterday, Saturday... I got a call from him. My phone is landline, with no caller ID. He didn't know his phone number and just said to call him back... which I couldn't, since he didn't leave a number.

He called twice on Saturday.
He called today (Sunday).
He called again today, around 5:20, finally realizing that he needed to leave a number, which he did.
He then called again at 5:45 and left a message saying he was upset that I wouldn't talk to him. Less than 30 minutes after he left his number.

I've been sick all week (missed work), and recovering (sleeping) this weekend. I was out running errands when he called. I'm obviously not sitting around waiting for him to call... I have no interest in that. I want to be emotionally supportive, but I am trying to fix my own life, I can't be his mother.

Anyway, at 7pm I tried to call him back... and the number doesn't work. I don't know if it was disconnected within the last hour, or if he gave me the wrong number. His last message mentioned he had a lot going on, and had violated his probation and had to turn himself in tomorrow... I couldn't understand everything he said.

It's frustrating to me. I'm overwhelmed with my own life, I don't think he has any right to be angry at me for not calling him back within 30 minutes of him finally leaving me a phone number. He's in his mid-30s. I don't think it's too much to expect him to be able to figure out his own phone number. I think he expects me to call our mother and get the number from her, but seriously... if you want me to call you back, leave your **** number.

Just needed to vent. I kind of hate my family for being such a dysfunctional mess.

Thanks.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by guilloche

...
So, yesterday, Saturday... I got a call from him. My phone is landline, with no caller ID. He didn't know his phone number and just said to call him back... which I couldn't, since he didn't leave a number.

He called twice on Saturday.
He called today (Sunday).
He called again today, around 5:20, finally realizing that he needed to leave a number, which he did.
He then called again at 5:45 and left a message saying he was upset that I wouldn't talk to him. Less than 30 minutes after he left his number.

I've been sick all week (missed work), and recovering (sleeping) this weekend. I was out running errands when he called. I'm obviously not sitting around waiting for him to call... I have no interest in that. I want to be emotionally supportive, but I am trying to fix my own life, I can't be his mother.

Good for you, you shouldn't be his mother - that would be awkward.

Look, few are going to understand the abandonment and general dysfunction of your family the way that you can. So while your brother was being unreasonable and scattered, you can probably understand how, in this world of automatic caller ID on cell phones and free on many if not most home phone service plans, that he assumed that you received his number. Abandonment and family not being there is the story of his life. Granted, you've been the one bright spot - writing to him while he was in jail and all, and so he most certainly should have given you the benefit of the doubt - but he doesn't have a lot of great life skills and his interpersonal skills are sub-par to say the least. The drug history hasn't clarified his thinking along the way either.

I'm guessing he didn't figure out that he needed to leave you his number so much as he was fighting his fears that you didn't want to talk to him and the idea that you didn't have caller ID was a desperate attempt at convincing himself there was a justifiable reason you didn't return his calls. I'll bet he didn't believe it...and thirty minutes later, he lost all faith in that being the reason. Because really, he's a piece of ****. He knows it, he knows you know it and it's imminently more believable that that's the reason you didn't call him back. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to him - but it's probably what happened.

Originally Posted by guilloche

Anyway, at 7pm I tried to call him back... and the number doesn't work. I don't know if it was disconnected within the last hour, or if he gave me the wrong number. His last message mentioned he had a lot going on, and had violated his probation and had to turn himself in tomorrow... I couldn't understand everything he said.

It's frustrating to me. I'm overwhelmed with my own life, I don't think he has any right to be angry at me for not calling him back within 30 minutes of him finally leaving me a phone number. He's in his mid-30s. I don't think it's too much to expect him to be able to figure out his own phone number. I think he expects me to call our mother and get the number from her, but seriously... if you want me to call you back, leave your **** number.

You have some perfectly reasonable expectations, he just isn't capable of living up to them right now. He has some perfectly unreasonable expectations right now and that's the best he's got right now. That isn't your problem, but it is what it is.

All the best and congratulations on getting your own life in order.

[guilloche]

I'm guessing he didn't figure out that he needed to leave you his number so much as he was fighting his fears that you didn't want to talk to him and the idea that you didn't have caller ID was a desperate attempt at convincing himself there was a justifiable reason you didn't return his calls. I'll bet he didn't believe it...and thirty minutes later, he lost all faith in that being the reason. Because really, he's a piece of ****. He knows it, he knows you know it and it's imminently more believable that that's the reason you didn't call him back. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to him - but it's probably what happened.

Thanks. You're right. I finally got a working number from my mom, left him a message, and got a call back from him. He's crying, I'm crying, it's a mess.

And, now I'm confused... because he got off the phone to run into a store and buy coffee, and was going to call me right back, and that was 20 minutes ago. And, I'm exhausted and have only had one meal today and am getting over being sick, and I don't know what's going on with him.

I don't understand what's going on with his parole, his story is completely convoluted. He lost his job (roofing) despite knowing the owner of the company forever b/c the owner was aware and a customer was complaining about the quality of work and he decided to talk to the guy that was doing bad work. He lost his housing... I don't know why. Some guy that he's known for 20 years and was renting a room from "lost" the money and they couldn't make rent? He was staying in a hotel with 2 other people, paying by the week, by one of those people (the other guy's girlfriend) left them and they couldn't pay and he ended up on the streets again with no address and no job, so he's in violation of his probation and is turning himself in tomorrow night. He thinks he'll be back in jail tomorrow night for a couple weeks.

I don't know what I can do to help, other than listen and cry with him.

I hate that I can't make sense of half of what he says, and that I don't know what to believe. I want to be supportive, but when he's all over the place, it's hard not to assume he's back on drugs. When he tells me he's going to call me back, and 30 minutes later I still haven't heard anything, it's hard to believe he's not on drugs.

I wish I could do more to help, but I have no clue what to do. I struggle with my own life.

Ugh. Thanks for listening, and you were exactly right I think... in the midst of all the crying he told me that he feels like a major f***-up and hates that he's disappointing everyone.

[healingme4me]

Just wanted to send gentle ((((hugs)))) I've an uncle on my dad's side that's been in and out of all you describe. Just knowing there's a heart string is the best my dad could ever do for his baby brother. Sounds like that's what you give.

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[guilloche]

Thanks healingforme... Thanks for listening and responding. It helps to be able to come here and talk. I did hear back from him, we're both a bit calmer, and I tried to make it very clear that if I ever don't return a call, that he shouldn't assume it's b/c I don't want to talk to him. I reminded him that with a home phone, if I'm out... doing errands, out with friends, etc... it could be hours before I get the message, and if he gives me the wrong number, I'm stuck!

He's heading to a friend's to stay the night, he should be calling back one more time when he gets settled in, so that I can make sure he has my address, so he can write when he's back in jail.

We also talked again about him getting back to NA meetings, and I stressed how much I really want him to have local people who have been there that can support him and help walk him through situations. I forget how mentally "young" he is sometimes, and how he doesn't really have a lot of good life experience to help him figure out how to deal with day to day stuff. I really think having a sponsor, a sober support group, and a counselor of some sort (far-fetched at the moment, but it would be my hope for him) would do him a world of good.

Ugh... it's been a rotten winter, and this year is really not off to the best start!

Thanks for listening...

[Stillcloseted]

I need a friend