How to deal with my mother-in-law when I already have to deal with my husband.

I know this is long, but if you can bare with me, I'd appreciate it.

My husband has depression, which manifests as anger (often the case for men with depression.) He is sometimes verbally abusive, but we are doing our best to work through these problems together. Some days are much better than others.
However, his mother makes everything harder for me.

Long story short, my husband has all of the problems he has because of what he went through with his parents (both were in prison at overlapping times for different reasons, his father passed away in prison, etc.) His mom has screwed him financially, ruined his credit by the age of 18, and she still refuses to pay her car on time, even though it is in both of their names because she needed a co-signer. Who does that to their son? His mother views herself as a "mother-of-the-year" type person, with a perfect family and thinks all four of her children think the world of her. My husband thinks differently, but he only expresses his negative feelings about her to me, and not to her. So I have another thing to deal with, while she keeps thinking she's a perfect mom. His mother even went to a therapy session with my husband's brother (the same therapist my husband sees, but he wasn't at their appointment) and the two of them just talked about how my husband is a problem the entire session. She never acknowledges that she had/has anything to do with his problems.

She is very passive-aggressive towards me. She always has the opposite opinion from me when it comes to my husband. When I talk to her about his verbal abuse/anger issues, she says things like "Well, he has a short temper like his father" (downplaying the issue) or "Well, he would NEVER talk to me like that" (making it seem like he thinks less of me than he does his mom because he only does this to me).

She tries to control everything...case in point, my husband and I have been working on a privacy fence at our house. While we are grateful for the help, we never asked his family to help. His mom, almost every weekend, TELLS us she is coming over to work on the fence, and if we tell her no, she gets mad and my husband changes his mind to appease her. Then, when she does come over to work on it, she doesn't listen to the way I want MY fence done, and does it herself. She has starting planning these work days on days when I'm at work, I guess so I won't be there and she can do it how she wants. I told my husband one weekend NOT to put up pickets, but to get everything else done first. While I was with his mom one day, she was telling someone about the fence (like it was her project) and said "He didn't want me to put up the pickets and I told him I did not come to your house today to NOT put up pickets." So they did them anyway.

She ALWAYS brings the younger siblings to the house when she comes because she has always thought of my husband as the kids' father figure. He's not their father, and doesn't want to be. He is their brother. She's always pushing the kids on him like they have to spend time with him. And she lets them do whatever they want when they are at our house. The whole situation just really takes a toll on me, when I already have so much to deal with in my marriage. Thank you for reading all of this, and if anyone has any advice or just needs to vent with me, please feel free to respond!

Wow. His mom appears to have some control issues and a deep need to be the center of attention among other things. What was she in prison for? From the little you've written, she sounds like she has mastered how to manipulate your husband. I can sort of understand your husband's need to please her, as it's natural to want to please your parents and get their approval, however, that doesn't mean that he should please her, especially at the expense of his wife. Have you asked your husband why he feels compelled to allow his mom to do what she does? I'm assuming he was or is in therapy because of his mom? If so, is he working on setting boundaries with his mom?

Do you guys have any kids?

Omg she sounds awful. So sorry.

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How old are the younger siblings?

Have you stopped talking with her about your marital struggles?

Are you seeing consistent changes in your husband's behavior towards you or is it still ongoing, the verbal abuse towards you?

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Does your husband agree with you that his mother has control issues and she is being too involved in your lives?

I have a complicated relationship with my mother too, but nothing that big You have to discuss these issues with your husband and join forces. Try to have her involved in your lives as little as possible. Don't invite her and limit the phone calls. It looks like you cannot avoid paying for the car and having her involved in the fence business, but try to limit her involvement in the future.

She has four children and your husband is struggling with depression. If she is the main reason for his struggles - the contact has to be limited. She will survive, she has three more children to help her.

What do the other siblings think about her? Are you on good terms with them?