[littleowl2006]

I have a very complicated relationship with someone. We used to be together for about one year, then I couldn't take it anymore and broke up with him. But I still love him and I am so torn between being completely frustrated by his behaviours and my feelings for him. He can be sweet and kind and I really like him, but whenever he is under pressure, he starts actng in very weird ways. He started therapy after we broke up and is in a better place, so we started talking again and said OK let's see where this takes us.
But now he has to write an important exam and has been horrible again for the past couple weeks. I mean, not just slightly off, but really horrible and I can't take it. I told him how I feel, I want to support him and I am not taking any of his crap personal, but it still is crap. He makes me so mad.
He can't decide for himself. He always refuses to take responsibility and tries to get me to decide for him. That behaviour just ticks me off.
He prefers to send me texts and argues in irrational ways, so that I am just baffled by the fact that anyone could be so confusingly weird and mean and let's just face it, a real jerk.
So basically, I am in love with a jerk. He seems to think that we HAVE to do what he wants. He gets really angry and upset when I use the word "NO" and express my will and stick to that. He gets really pissed when I don't fold (which I don't), so he is pissed a lot, hides it, and then flings it around my ears whenever I bring up an argument.
How can anyone be that way? How can he actually think that it is okay to treat me that way?
After he was being impossible again yesterday, and I realized having a discussion would just bring me that feeling of banging my head against a wall, I gave up and told him I didn't want to see him and that I couldn't stand him right now. Wow. So I guess I give up on him? Because I really can't take it. I feel his demands and expectations towards me, even when he doesn't express them. I can see from his actions and reactions what his concept of a relationship is, and I don't like it AT ALL.
Has anyone ever been in a situation like this?
Gosh I am so frustrated right now, I am not even sad I'm not seeing him. I went out with a new friend and had a great time and I only missed him a little.
I feel like I am being tested by a 5 y.o. all the time

[divine1966]

Is this the guy who wouldn't like you go? It seems he didn't change at all.

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[healingme4me]

Sounds like you're realizing that you deserve better?

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[littleowl2006]

Yes it's him (no judgement please)

[ComfortablyNumb5]

He's a a-hole. Take the time you need to get over him and don't look back. No one deserves to be treated like that. Why be with someone that makes you so miserable? I think you answered your own question in the post.



I don't get msgs unless the other person using tapatalk app!

[divine1966]

No judgement of course, I went to wrong guys too and stayed too long.
You have only one life. Decide how you want to spend it

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[littleowl2006]

At the moment I am more amused than heartbroken, even though this might be the beginning of the end.
It is confusing to see both sides. On the one hand, he can be caring and loving and I know he loves me and would never cheat or anything like that. But then there's all this sense of entitlement and his bad mood and grumpiness, and the two sides don't really fit together. I never see the change coming. I find it pretty fascinating, but not in a good way.
Maybe I am over this and just needed to vent a little bit. I have so much fun without him

[divine1966]

Sounds like my ex who had drinking problem. His moods were due to that. Yes we had a lot of fun. At some point the bad outweigh the good and I was done. 9 years. Took that long.

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[littleowl2006]

My therapist recently said that relationships are always stories that have to be told. I feel that. It isn't reasonable, it takes long and the break-up wasn't the end to my and his story. But this might be it now. I don't feel so in love anymore, which is a sad thing. I still like him, but I don't want to spend time with him anymore. I had the flu three weeks ago and he was really there for me, took care of me and was incredibly sweet. But that held on for about two weeks. Then his grandma died and he completely shut down again and hasn't opened up again ever since. I understand all his pressure and that he is sad and copes in a different way than I would, but nevertheless I don't think his behaviour is compatible with a loving relationship. So that's it. Maybe I will be grieving again when I think of the good times we had. Right now I don't want to, I just want to enjoy my life again

[littleowl2006]

Man do I feel guilty After I told him I couldn't stand his behaviour last friday, I just didn't bother to call or text him back. Then I thought it was unfair to not tell him what's going on and not text him back and we spoke on the phone.
His finals are in two weeks and he needs to study and he feels sad and says he needs me. He cried and was really desperate and I feel so incredibly bad about the timing... I dumped him right before his finals and two weeks after his grandma died. This is just horrible.
But I don't know what else I should have done.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by littleowl2006

Man do I feel guilty After I told him I couldn't stand his behaviour last friday, I just didn't bother to call or text him back. Then I thought it was unfair to not tell him what's going on and not text him back and we spoke on the phone.
His finals are in two weeks and he needs to study and he feels sad and says he needs me. He cried and was really desperate and I feel so incredibly bad about the timing... I dumped him right before his finals and two weeks after his grandma died. This is just horrible.
But I don't know what else I should have done.

You can't control the timing. And what IS good timing for a breakup anyway?

You can only control you and your future. If you want to continue being verbally abused and miserable then stay with him. I don't mean to be harsh towards you. He's not treating you right. Will he ever? He might change for a wk or so but his true self will shine through eventually. Protect yourself here. And what about if that verbal abuse turns into closed fists? I've been there. It happens and it happens way to often. Look out for yourself hun. There is no good timing for a breakup so don't make anymore excuses for him.



I don't get msgs unless the other person using tapatalk app!

[littleowl2006]

I hear what you say. I know I should not have hoped for him to change, I knew better all the time. Stupid heart

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I think the hardest part (in my experience) is listening to your gut. I've dated guys that I just KNEW where cheating or treating me wrong but I always ignored it. Now that I'm almost 30, I look back at my 20 something's and think about all the time I waisted. I even stuck around until I was beat unconscious with one guy! So I get what you're going through! I do! But all the red flags are blazing here with sirens! You deserve better. We all do. Be with someone that praises the ground you walk in and that doesn't make you miserable.



I don't get msgs unless the other person using tapatalk app!

[avlady]

i would get away as fast as i could if i were you. yes there are red flags here

[littleowl2006]

I still can't get over this thing with the two sides - how on the one hand he can be his loving and truthful self, and on the other be a total jerk about so many things. I don't understand this.
The next weeks are going to be real tough :/

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by littleowl2006

I still can't get over this thing with the two sides - how on the one hand he can be his loving and truthful self, and on the other be a total jerk about so many things. I don't understand this.
The next weeks are going to be real tough :/

How can he so loving on one side? Well have you ever seen how a guy acts when he's at a bar trying to get a girl? they will say, do anything to get you or get you back. And the more you fall for it, the harder they go. Now now I'm not saying ALL men do this but I do have a older brother. I've seen it with my own eyes and it gets sad when they are trying to get something from you. And as far as the other side, he obviously can't control these bad actions and the same thing goes... The more you fall for it, the more they press. You just have to stand up for yourself and let him see that you're not going to take it. You deserve respect as much as the next girl. What he's doing is manipulation. And yes, some women can do it too so it's not just the fault one one sex. It's people in general unfortunately. I've had women treat me like garbage too and it doesn't stop until I say something and then they don't know what to do! And if you do have a problem speaking up then simply ignore him. Stop answering calls texts ect. Block the number if you have to.



I don't get msgs unless the other person using tapatalk app!

[divine1966]

As my t says there is no point trying to understand why people do what they do. We can only know what we do and why. Point is he is not behaving the right way and it is not important why. What's important is why you do what you do

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[littleowl2006]

I am not that bad at speaking up, actually we had big fights whenever I did and I see now that that was one of the problems (obviously). It didn't seem to make much sense though, telling him he was being mean when clearly that was the only way he knew to be in these situations. It was kind of a dilemma. This breakup was really inevitable. Stinks though. I think I am done with guys for now

[littleowl2006]

I think it might be the famous "cycle of abuse" thing what's confusing me here. This switching from being the nicest guy in the world to the mean, manipulative, controling boyfriend. I read it on another post and it hit me like a wall.
It is so scary. At first, you trust someone, you let them in, and when they start acting weird for the first time, you don't immediately break it off. Or would that be better?

[divine1966]

You don't break it off right away maybe in case the person just having a bad day but if it is more than once then it's a good idea to break it off before getting too involved .

Good partners don't act manipulative and controlling even once. They just don't.

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[littleowl2006]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You don't break it off right away maybe in case the person just having a bad day but if it is more than once then it's a good idea to break it off before getting too involved .

Good partners don't act manipulative and controlling even once. They just don't.

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It's hard for me to find out what good partners do. I know how I imagine a good partner and I know I am one. But when the person I love starts acting different from that I always think it must be me having too tight opinions on how things should be. Like I should learn more tolerance or something.
Of course I know now for sure that my ex isn't the good guy he wants me to believe he is. It just took me a long time to find that out and make sure the horse was really dead. It really sucks. It sucks to be so sad, and it sucks to be disappointed, and it sucks that things I wanted to work out just didn't. It sucks not having somebody to share my life with. I feel utterly worthless and empty

[divine1966]

Just give it time. You'll feel better. You are so young.

You have to establish your deal breakers and red flag and know for sure what you can tolerate. When you are ready to date again post here what you are observing. Good partners aren't perfect but they aren't going to manipulate or control you or do things they know will upset you. Of course no one is perfect. You just have to know what is the deal breaker for you

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[littleowl2006]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Just give it time. You'll feel better. You are so young.

When you are ready to date again post here what you are observing.

Thanks, I sure will