[sidony]

All right I need an opinion:

My boyfriend (whom I'm very in love with) proposed to me last week. He gave me a beautiful ring that had belonged to his grandmother. So it was a family ring. I wondered at the time if that meant that his ex-wife had worn it. I didn't ask, but later he mentioned this: He wanted me to know that because it was a family ring, that did mean that his ex-wife had worn it and given it back to him. He said he had no associations with the ring and his ex-wife -- only with his grandmother. And that it had been returned to him because their love ended and so it was no longer a symbol of that. They are on amicable terms and share a son together (I'm going to be a step-mom!). He said to let him know if it bothered him that it had been hers, and that he would buy me a different ring if it did.

Now with that said: This is a very beautiful ring. I love the style, and I love that it was his grandmother's. I *don't* love that his ex-wife wore it, but it's not like she is a bad person or anything. She is quite kind to me when we meet, and I'm doing my best to be good to her son. I believe that people's past is part of who they are and who they become. And I'm accepting of the fact that he had once promised his life to another woman, and that didn't work out. So should I mind if the ring was once hers?

What do you all think?

Although he would buy me a new ring if I asked, I will say that he's not in the best financial situation right now, and that it'd probably be better to save that kind of money for our future together.

I'm not superstitious, but I do sort of wonder that -- assuming I keep the ring -- I could find someone to do some sort of blessing over it. Maybe some voodoo guy in New Orleans, hah. <- Silly maybe, but is there anyone who does that sort of thing?!

Okay, I'll appreciate hearing an opinion on this one.

This is my first post in years! Life got a little crazy, but a lot of it has been very very good. :-D

Sidony

[divine1966]

I am not materialistic so I don't need fancy ring but I would not wear my fiancée's ex wife's ring. She was abusive to him and children ( she still harasses adult kids, they are estranged from her) Under no circumstances. I don't care if it belonged to grandma. No way. Even if she was a nice lady

If he cannot afford the kind of ring you want there are plenty of affordable rings that look just fine. Then later you can get something better if you want. Zales often has good sales on rings. Tell sales rep your budget and they will help you to locate affordable ring.

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[kindachaotic]

I would!! Personally don't connect past feelings with these type things.
If he wants you to have it coz grandma was special to him that's all I'd need.
Especially since things are amicable between him & her, and you & her.
Money is tight for most of us, for now give it a try & when you guys get more stable financially then, if you need to rethink things.

Congrats & best of luck to you!

PS. got my first wedding set from a pawn shop & still means the world to me. It's small, simple & I wore it for 18yrs. Last year pulled out ex-hubs diamond (from back in 1980's) & had it set in my late MIL's band. Hubby is honored & thinks it's a beautiful ring.

[sidony]

Hey thanks! I appreciate the input. I'm not totally sure how I feel, but it's good to get feedback.

I definitely wouldn't want it if his ex was some horrible person, but it's not like that. They weren't compatible for the long run, but they do have a child together (of whom they share custody). They don't love one another any more, but they try to be good co-parents.

I hate the thought that a failed marriage would taint the ring that was willed to him from his grandmother. If it had been one that he just bought for his ex with her in mind, I wouldn't want it, but it's not really the same.

I don't know. Thinking about it has me somewhat stressed.

Actually, being engaged has me stressed even though I really believe we are right together. I'm older than a lot of people who get married for the first time (I'm 45!) because I never thought it could work before now.

Thanks, Sidony

[sidony]

Also, @kindachaotic: I really love the story in your P.S. Beautiful! :-)

[divine1966]

Well you know if they are on good terms and if she is nice person then why not. I replied thinking of this evil person. I and my ex husband are on good terms and I totally understand the difference. It is a big change in your life so it is understandable you are stressed. Hang in there. Don't let this stress to ruin your engagement. Enjoy it. Hugs

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Jewelry. A topic close to my heart...

First of all, congratulations!

I can't tell you what you should feel, but I wouldn't enjoy that ring (and I am a HUGE sentimental sucker for all things heirloom...).

I think I would just be reminded of the ex every time I looked at it. And this is YOUR time.
You don't mention what kind of ring it is, but I would probably take the stone out and set it in a different setting, if that applies.

No matter if you are 18 or 80, you should enjoy your ring, your engagement, your planning, your shower, your gown, and your wedding....It's all fun and life is too short to worry about things you need not worry about.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I'm not materialistic either BUT it would bother me if my bf's ex and I shared a ring. I don't think it has anything to do with material or size but I would feel it's lost it's meaning. I can't explain it but I would probably get it re-set so it's personal to me, to US. Not sure how much something like that would cost so it wouldn't be first on the list, but it would be on the list. Everyone's different though so if you feel differently then that's up to you. Congrats btw!



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[healingme4me]

I like the ring blessing idea.

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[Chyialee]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I like the ring blessing idea.

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I do too, healingme4me.

TMIML (fiance now ) & I have a very similr situation: Grandmother's ring is now on my hand. Her oringinal wedding & engagement rings & the eternity ring Grandpa Dale gave her for (I think) 2oth anniv. all got very worn and eventually the wedding band wore thru. So she & the MIL-2-b ( who is an only child) looked at every setting in every jewelry store they came accross for one that Grandmother E liked ( and Eleanor was a VERY opinionated lady, just a weeee bit hard to suit lol -- R.I.P) literally from NYC to Chicago to Phoenix to San Diego. heh. Finally somewhere in Iowa (i think) they found one that would accommodate all the stones, and Eleanor had all reset into one new ring.

She willed it to Crazyman, my fiance. AT THE TIME, he was with someone else & had been for a longish time. She was imo a true people-user, but w/e. When Crazyman showed her the ring, she ws horrified and wanted to pull it all apart, re-configure it into something that was her taste (which btw was trashy bordering on execrable, jsyk). YIKES! TO his huge credit, he recoiled and took the ring to his Mom's where it reposed in his parents' safe ever since -- till after he & I got together.

Here's what he & Mom decided: I kinda hated that old g/f had been offered Grandma Eleanor's ring, tho I didn't say so, he & Mom could both tell. Aw bless; what they did was take it to their jeweler, and he bought a new center stone, a diamond to be "ours", while still retaining the ring, the setting , the other stones, & the sentiment. Mom had the old center diamond made into a lovely delicate pendant, thus retaining her parents' engagement diamond/sentiment as well. Win- Win!

So that;s my (long-winded) tale of The Family Ring. Dunno if something like that would be feasible for you & your fiance? Or a different modification? Just a thought.
xo
Chyia Oh and, P.S. "Crazyman" is one of my fiance's irl nicknames, since jr hi. It's affectionately meant(mostly, heh)

I'll sell it for you.

[lizardlady]

Not sure how I would feel about wearing a ring the ex- also wore. But this one has great family meaning for you fiance. I like the idea of having it cleansed/blessed to remove any bad vibes hanging around it.

Frankly, I think the most important thing is how you feel about wearing the ring. If you like it and are uncomfortable wearing it - go for it!. If you are I would hold off on getting an engagement ring.

If you are not comfortable with wearing the ring as your engagement ring, could you wear it in some other way? Maybe just a ring to wear?

[cakeladie]

Hi congrads in the engagement but I would not wear the ring. I am so far from being Materialistic but I still could not wear it. But. I would maybe have the ring redesigned and then blessed. It would still be the stones and metals that was his grandmothers but now it has been changed into something that is truely, yours. Plus the blessing.

I still have my wedding ring from my first marriage. It ended badly but I kept it for my son in case he wanted it and it had several nice diamonds. However my son has autism and will more then likely never marry. When I met my second husband we could not afford a fancy ring and like I said earlier I am not materialistic so I did not care. My engagement ring, wedding band and my husbands came to around $330 total. I have since then lost a couple of diamond chips but I really don't care. I could use the stone from my first marriage but no. I just could not do that if that makes sense

Good luck

[sidony]

Hey thanks everybody.

I'm still a little torn, though my boyfriend and I talked about this last night. He'll get me another ring if I want one, but he'd never sell the one left to him by his grandmother. He'll hope to will it to someone else in the family eventually. He loved her very much and he thinks she wanted it to find a happy home with the person that he loved. He thinks it's a shame that he ever married his first wife because they were never happy. I think he and I will be. I've waited rather late in life to contemplate marriage because it took me this long to be sure! Certainly I had my share of failed relationships too. I never took the chance on marriage, and although I regretted that sometimes, I think it was for the best. I would have been in the same boat as my boyfriend (fiance!) if I ever had.

I'm wearing the ring for now, though I could change it later if I want. I do like that it's from a feisty lady who married in the 1920s. Not her fault that the ring had a crappy home for a few years. It's been boxed away for at least 6 years.

Generally speaking, I'm not materialistic, but this *is* a truly beautiful ring. It's a platinum band with a large diamond in the center and 3 tiny diamonds on each side of it. Very beautiful.

I really do wonder if someone could bless it for me. He suggested the minister, but for some reason I'd have more faith in some kind of voodoo practitioner. I feel like blessing items (or cursing them!) is more their territory.... ;-)

Thanks, Sidony

[Trippin2.0]

I think the fact that you are able to wear it and not naturally hate it, means the ring is ok in your book, and that you're probably asking this question based on logic and the doubts, feelings and thoughts others in your life have projected onto you.


Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels, its your ring, if you really didn't want it, you would've rejected it from the get go.


The fact that you can and do wear it, answers your thread question for you.


Still, a blessing or cleansing, may just be that last bit of confirmation you need.


Not a bad idea at all.

[sidony]

Thanks Trippin. That's really helpful. :-)

[Trippin2.0]

You're welcome

[healingme4me]

I hear what you are saying about a different ring. Was just thinking about how oftentimes there's the 'anniversary' ring. Something perhaps to strive for as a symbol of working towards financial and life goals? And not sure if planning children? The family ring can be passed down? Or my cousin for her wedding took a ring handed down, I have the other, took it to the jeweler and turned it into her wedding necklace.

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[sidony]

Thanks, that's a nice thought too. I appreciate all the input I've received on this and my other posting. :-)

[avlady]

i also like the idea of a blessing idea!!!good luck