[Tobi1234]

Hello everybody,
If you could help me I would be very grateful! Im a 26 yo male with traumatic childhood experiences especially concerning relationships (especially with my mother - no love, no intimacies, only great fear of her and her unpredictable behaviour). Ive been going to Psychotherapy for a couple of years now with good progress on behalf of reducing depression, anxiety in all kinds of form, eating disorder, self esteem, substance abuse etc. Over the last half year Ive been kind of stable with my mood for the first time of my life.

One of my biggest problems has and still is my strong fear of intimacy especially with a woman. I wish to have a relationship for so long but its not been possible for me so far. I was always too afraid of women, never thought I could be loved by them. Its been really frustrating for most of my life and I have a big fear of staying alone for the rest of my life. In the last year Ive been stopping to try working on this topic - Ive had to take a break on this matter to gather some energy for the next step. Ive been studying different kinds of psychoanalytic approaches and all kinds of other stuff on this topic and feel I have a good understanding of the underlying psychological theories. By the way - after not seeing my mother for 5 years and writing her/accusing her /understanding what made her into who she became - I have an actual relationship with her now - for the first time of my life. Ive been able to forgive her - understanding that she had her own family history which made her to this person. Nevertheless - my problems with other women remain

My question is: Is there a specific kind of psychotherapy - psychoanalysis/behavioural therapy/group therapy/systemic therapy…… which is especially useful for this issue of fear of intimacy / bonding problems??? I am planning to really put some effort into this once again but I know I will need help from a professional - maybe a woman for the first time - and I dont know who to go to.

For an answer of my question I would be very very grateful

sincerly
tobias

[Chyialee]

Hi Tobi; and Welcome!

I am so sorry you have had such a struggle due to your past history w/ your mother & that realationship. May I just say, WELL DONE YOU !! for getting to this point in your journey, with therapy and lots & LOTS of work! That's amazing, & you should feel really good about the stability you've been able to acheive. Congratulations; that's very impressive.

Intimacy is not the easiest thing in the world imo, no matter where one is starting from. Yes, there are counselours and therapists and doctors who specialize in that area, but I dunno whom you would be the best fit for, it's such an individual thing! My suggestion would be, if you have a solidly trusting relationship wit your current Psych Therapist, to ask what & whom s/he would reccommend. It sounds as tho the two of you have already had quite a journey together, and s/he might be best equipped to evaluate where to go from here.

Learning to trust again is a serious thing, and the precursor to any successful relationship in my experience....and it of course doesn't occur all at once. But you knew that, right?

to you,

Chyia, wishing you great things!

[Tobi1234]

Dear Chyialee!
Thanks a lot for your answer and for the effort you put in your reply. Thank you so much!
Maybe I describe the situation a little more detailed - I know its very hard to just advice somebody anything only based on those few words.
Like I already mentioned my mother for me felt cold, strict, sometimes sardistic, very controlling - pretty much the opposite of the "save harbour", the warm feeling of a family was non-existent, the relationship between her and us children was more like that of a military sargeant and his raw recruits. I am the oldest of my siblings and I tried to keep harm from them (that was coming from my mother and my stepfather ) as much as I could - I tried to give them the love and kindness that they deserved - I was only 7 years old then but I felt much older. Every day at the dinner table I had to listen to those accusations they made to my little siblings, one of my little brothers who I especially cared about had ADHD and especially my stepfather thought that he could - just with a high amount of pressure/penalties and physical abuse could make him "sit quietly", "have perfect table manners without spilling anything", with other words "be normal"
Even I - as a 7 year old child just knew that the things he demanded were just complete BS to be expected from a young kid with ADHD - he just couldnt do it - it was obvious.
So every day at the breakfast and dinner table it would happen the same things - my brother (5 year old cute boy) was again not acting as requested and the consequences were as written above. He was ridiculed, they set up a small extra table next to the original dining table labled as "the pig table" just for him, they send him to eat in the cold cement basement with barely any light because he was such "a nasty creature" , they tied his little hands to his chair with a duct tape so he couldnt constantly move them (ADHD!!!!), put him out to eat outside on the terace when it was coldest winter for penalty.

As you maybe can imagine I was just not understanding the world anymore. My parents had divorced some time ago and I think until that point I had a pretty good childhood with no fear and at least a decent amount of happyness and also love to my parents. With my stepdad marrying my mother that all changed abruptly. This mother I knew as my mother had become a different person from that day on. She did everything my stepdad thought was right and ,,became one" with him. She got rid of her old personality and put on a new one in an instinct (I know now that she has Borderline personality disorder).

Trying to stop this insanity I was watching everything happening arround me, tried to foresee any problems that might come up and solve them before they even occured. I helped my brother as much as I could to make the least possible "mistakes" but all the effort did not pay off at all. Fighting every day was normal - I was going crazy on my stepdad and on my mother for not stopping him acting out his aggressions. Things they did just were not logical and by far not justified. Another trauma I still have to this day is all the arguments I had with those two maniacs about everything - I dont know if you have experience with arguing with a borderline person - its not possible. I spent hours thinking of arguments how to persuade them to act differently - with logical arguments. But even at that point when f.e. my mom realized after a long discussion with her that her demands or orders or actions were just wrong - even logically obvious - she just said " I dont care I am the parent - we do as I say" - and that was it.
There was no way to talk to them, no crying, no begging, no logic no nothing helped against them ruling us. We, I, had no power whatsoever. My mother was almighty, I could come up with the best arguments, the best behaviour, I could try anything - she didnt give a damn **** about that. She was in charge and she could do anything to us children.
What this did to me? I started to hate her, with a deep strong hate Ive never had before and not had afterwards. On the other hand she was still my mother and I had the natural instinct to be close to her and to love her - I suppressed that love - a person who did this I just couldnt forgive. I was frightened of her. Every strategy I thought of to protect myself and my siblings from this madness were not working. She was almighty - I had no power, no rights, no nothing. For me my mother was a very dangerous person - everything I tried to change her and her actions were useless. If I was really beeing overly nice and helping her a lot with stuff or be extremely friendly she could be nice for some time but the next second - she will hurt you without any reason, unpredictable and so very painful.

Over the years I became a very quiet, depressed boy. I thought about killing myself so many times starting when I was 9 or 10. This depression has lasted since then until now but in the last 6 months Ive been doing much much better. I have developed strong social anxiety and a horrible self esteem - if even your mother hates you - why would other people be able to like you...
Especially with women there was no way I could have been able to get close to a relationship which I wished for so badly - my biggest wish was to be loved. Women for me were dangerous - just thinking about getting close to a woman made me run away - physical contact with my mother was non existent - her presence meant danger - I guess this experience influenced my feelings to women in general.
After my therapy over the last years, after finding my peace with my mother, the big fear of women has decreased a lot. Still I have big problems. I am afraid to show who I really am - I still think Im not good enough to be excepted - I am afraid of rejection (which is normal I guess) and Im not sure if I even still have the ability to love.
I have had 2 years of systemic psychotherapy (a lot of conversational therapy ) and 1 year of humanistic psychotherapy with emphasis on feeling my body again and releasing supressed emotions from the past that were blocking "energy flow" (sounds funny - has helped a lot). Last year Ive not been to therapy at all and have stabilized in that time. Now its time to move forward again. I want to start a new therapy now again - I was thinking a female therapist would be good to gain further trust in women in general - my 2 therapies before were good but I had the feeling that I needed a different form to adress this specific topic.

I know that all of this stuff doesnt happen over night - Im pretty impatient by nature and especially with my own psychological issues ... but I have learned from long term experience that this change takes fooooorrrreeevvvverrr - but its worth the wait

[Bill3]

A female psychodynamic therapist who is familiar with attachment issues sounds promising.

How well do you relate to women in your day-to-day life now?