[ThatGirlFromTheKeys]

I have been married to my husband for two years. We have a 9 month old son, our first child. My husband is a wonderful, loving husband. We have the support of friends and family and do not have many other stresses in our lives, other than normal day to day life. We married because we were best friends. We both are easy going, fun, difficult to anger, open to compromise, and communicate wonderfully. Actually I should say USED TO COMMUNICATE. I realize couples will have disagreements, even fights. I understand that relationships change and evolve over time, and that marriage will have it's difficult moments. HOWEVER, I have one big problem. And I say "I" because when I try to bring this up with my husband, he states he has no idea what I'm talking about, that's all in my head, and that I'm just looking for a fight. Our fights are always about the same thing: I can't to talk to him about my struggles and feelings without him getting angry or defensive.

I have tried talking nicely, I have tried talking mean, I have tried choosing my timeframe wisely as in not when he is already upset or tired or has been drinking, I have used safe language like "I feel" or "it seems like", I have tried prefacing the conversation with "I'm not trying to fight" or "I am not attacking you", I have read books and spoken to friends, I have tried to talk about it in the moment and also waited until it was some time later. I do not see a pattern to his anger other than it's when I try to talk about my feelings. I have asked him repeatedly if he would go to a counseling session with me, but he VEHEMENTLY says no, he will never go.

I try to very carefully tell him how I feel about something, he immediately gets defensive, which makes me angry that he would respond in such a way, and then we have an all out fight that never ends and we just stop when we are exhausted. He insists I am just trying to pick a fight. I have tried to tell him, I swear I am not, that I just want to make him happy, but that this is something I need to be happy, and I cannot have a relationship without it. Anytime I say that, he just gets even more angry, suggesting that I am just looking for a way out of the relationship. If he does manage to hear out my feelings without getting angry, he is just staring off in another direction, not looking at me and certainly not making eye contact, in silence or with the responses, "I don't know", "I don't know what you want me to say," or just a grunt. I ask him if I am making him upset, am I doing anything wrong, do I make him happy, he always says yes, so I don't see what I'm doing to get this angry response out of him. My girlfriends keep telling me to give it time, things will get better, it's just the nature of marriage...but they have been telling this to me for over a year with no sign of improvement or change. I am becoming increasingly depressed. Everything else about our relationship is wonderful, but if I can't even get emotional support from my husband, what kind of marriage is that?

I don't know if it's all in my head and I am being over emotional, or if this is a real problem that needs to be addressed. I have an appointment to see a counselor, though I am doubtful it will help when they are only getting my perspective and my side of the story without speaking with my husband. All I can think about is how I am going to live on my own again and raise a child with divorced parents...I don't want that at all. I have seen this EXACT SAME ISSUE with other married women out there. What do I do??? Are there any men out there that could shed some light as well?

[hannabee]

I think we need more information...exactly what kind of feelings are you wanting him to acknowledge? Are you sure you just aren't overwhelmed with a new baby in the mix? Big hug for you and I hope you figure this out for the sake of your family.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I could have written the same post about my bf. He plays the blame game and when I try to explain my anxiety, depression, BP to him, he gets defensive. I'm not in therapy right now but if I was I'd want him to come to a session with me so they can help him understand my illnesses and that what I'm going through is not my fault. So that's the only suggestion however your husband already said no to that! Are you by any chance raising your voice when you do talk to him? I would just calmly let him know that you want him to go to counseling with you and that its important to you and the marriage. Maybe he has some issues from his past and he doesn't deal with confrontation too well. He should probably talk to someone about it. Don't give up just yet. You can keep throwing crap at the wall and something will stick eventually right? Sorry I wish I had a better answer for you!

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[Trippin2.0]

From what you've posted, and the suggestion that this problem didn't exist in your premarital relationship, my best bet is this...


Now that you two are married AND have a baby, he feels completely responsible for you and your happiness.


Everytime you express unhappiness, it is a slight to his ego, because it means he is failing as a husband, father and man.


So he can't bare to listen to any negativity, his defenses immediately goes up because your unhappiness is a direct reflection on him.


Maybe you could try a calm conversation about this angle and see if it resonates with him at all.


At worst, it rules out something, at best, you have a starting point.

[nicoleflynn]

Glad you are getting therapy.....one of you going is better than just letting this situation go on.

This is a problem for you , so YES it is a real problem. If 2 people won't communicate, how can anything every be understood/resolved?
There is no way to know why he reacts the way he does, unless he is willing to be honest.

I wonder if he knew about your thoughts of being single and raising your child......if things don't change.....if that might give him the impetus to go to couples' counseling. He needs to understand how serious this is.

[handheart]

What i can say thet the big problem its at your husband and i am glad that you going to therapy it will help you .What i dont understand its why it gets nervous when you speak about your feelings.I dont know try to speak more with him and ask him why its get nervous when you want to speak your feelings

[Ocean Swimmer]

I think traditionally men are taught to avoid feelings.

What happens when you two just talk about ordinary events ??

Like : my cat brought me a mouse she killed last night. I can't wait to tell my husband about it! ( we live in the tropics. The house is pretty open to outside)

Anyway, does a fight irrupt over every topic?