[tfazzi]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months. She is 19 years old and I am 21 years old. Other than typical issues young couples have our relationship has been great, in my opinion, and I love her dearly. We have been living together for about 5 months now. She has recently moved out and got her own apartment. At first her reason was that we argue too much and she needs her space. She has just told me the real reason she has moved which is that she can not tolerate my children. I have twin girls, 3 years old. They arent the best behaved children but then again what 3 year old behaves perfectly? They are very talkative and don't listen to what she says and half of the time they dont listen to what I say. She also has a 2 year old daughter, whom I look at as my own daughter. My issue is that I am now doubting our relationship and her love for me. How can you love someone and not love their children? I've accepted her daughter, who is not the best behaved child either and I've grown to love her. I just dont see how our relationship can grow. She wants to spend the days after work at her apartment together and then sleep together at my apartment. But she says when i have my children, which is 50% of the time (I have joint custody with my ex) that she wants to have her apartment as an escape to get away from them because she's not happy when they are around and they give her a migraine. What do I do? Can we move past this? If she doesn't care for my kids now and resents them because they dont behave, will she ever love them and be able to be a step-mother to them? I am very hurt by this but I appreciate her honesty I dont know how long shes felt like this but she has been supressing it and I'm happy it came out because I wasn't sure what was making her unhappy and its affected my self-esteem. In my mind it feels like I have an ultimatum to choose her or my children which i would without a doubt choose by children because the circumstances seem ridiculous and unstable. Am I over thinking this or is this usual for couples under the same circumstances as us.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Gosh, you guys are so young.
If she can afford her own apt let it be for now. Go slowly.

Maybe an activity that could involve the 3 children together would open her heart to them.

You may however be looking at a change for the future.

[Pflaumenkeks]

(Sorry for the long answer please ignore it if you think it's over the top)

First: It's great that she knows what is good for her for now and she is taking actions to take care of herself. I don't see that as an ultimatum but rather as a way for her to deal with the situation.

Like Ocean Swimmer said: maybe an activity with all 3 kids wil help her to connect (and 2 and 3 years old aren't that hard to get together),
If she refuses to do this or if she cannot connect to them there are a few questions that you have to ask yourself

1) Are you willing to wait if that is going to change in the future and make an agreement that works for you both untill that day
2) Are you aware of the possibility that this may not change?
3) Can you be together with someone who doesn't want to connect to your children?
4) If yes how should this work? She seems to already have her plan on this and has given you the information what works for her, but does that work for you too? In other words: Can you accept for yourself that this is your agreement? Or can you compromise on some topics?
5) How will that affect your children?

I agree that you both are young and that there is so much time for you two. Your relationship is young too and there are so many things to happen and explore at each other. You don't have to make big desicions today or tomorrow. You don't have to answer that questions today either. Take your time. Let her take time. Have you ever asked her if she even wants to be a step-mother? at all?

For the long run I would say you have to think about how/if you explaine this to your children. Will she just not be there? Are you going to tell them why? 3 years old ask a lot of questions and it won't stop soon. How are you handling this now?

I think this can work. Living seperate is no drama and if you have your children 50% of the time, there is plenty of left for your love life and for your children. The question is: Can you live with them to be separated? And how long are you willing to wait/try/work if not?

Wish you luck

[healingme4me]

How often does she have her child, if you don't mind sharing.

Most parents can attest to a significant difference going from one child to multiple children. Your children already came as multiple, so this is a huge adjustment.

Schedules and keeping to a rigid sleep schedule can help with ovwhelming feelings of this can't be happening that she could be feeling. That is, if she's willing to take a good look at herself and is wiling to accept an overwhelming responsibility.

If she is inflexible and unable to grow and mature, you may very well be left with a huge mountain of resentment towards her.

I know from experience it takes a lot to overcome the feelings brought out about looking at your own children as an out. It's an excuse. Supportive partners would try to come up with a game plan.

[Trippin2.0]

I think that at 19 years old, its probably all just a bit much for her.


Think about it, she already has a two year old, which is a handful, without question.


Then she moves in with you a month after you start dating, a MONTH, and suddenly has THREE little girls.


(Really what was the rush here, there was ZERO adjustment period for anyone, and 4 weeks certainly doesn't count...)


That's alot for anyone to take in, in such a short amount of time, and especially at her age. I mean that's usually the "I just graduated high school" age.


Not the "I'm all grown up and live with my bf and our three daughters" age.


I mean I gave birth at 19, so I can only imagine what having a toddler at that age must be like.


It's alot of work, alot of responsibility, and if she's working, its downright exhausting.


Now multiply that by three.


Looks to me like she's smart and doing the healthy thing for herself, as well as your relationship by creating some breathing room, so that she doesn't get overwhelmed and grow resentful.


Too much WAY too soon ya know?


I can't answer you question regarding whether or not she will connect with your twins, (my best guess would be yes), but if you want a more definitive answer, its best to ask her.


I think slowing things down is the best chance your relationship has at this point. Absence makes the heart grow fonder...


I mean its not like she said she hates your kids, that's a different story altogether.


A story titled "Deal Breaker."


I personally think she's made a smart move. Doesn't mean she doesn't love you or your girls.