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  #1  
Old Apr 22, 2016, 02:08 AM
elevatedsoul's Avatar
elevatedsoul elevatedsoul is offline
Ascended
 
Member Since: Nov 2013
Location: usa
Posts: 3,836
i am a really friendly person
everyone adores me
people want to spend time with me
people want to get to know me

i love the idea of being close to friends
i love the idea of having people to rely on
i love the idea of being able to trust someone

but these things seem wrong
i can't do

i wear many masks to get through interactions in a minimal affect to which i can withdraw without making much attachment or requiring many demands because i can't handle it

i am terrified of anyone getting close to me, getting to know who i am or what i think, feel

i would like a friend, but i cant have any
i try, but when things start happening i will run away... not on purpose, but because my mind causes things to happen... when people start to consider me a friend, it scares me - i dont want to be someones friend.. because i know they cant be mine...

i have never had a friend before, no one has ever known who i am...
never, ever, ever, ever - not even as a child
people have only known my masks, it is something i cant change...
i started young to see the world through a set of eyes that would keep me from ever having any friend

it is hard when there is no one you can trust, because you dont even trust yourself
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  #2  
Old Apr 22, 2016, 04:02 AM
Anonymous37780
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Ahhhh (((hugs)))
  #3  
Old Apr 22, 2016, 09:12 PM
NewCommer NewCommer is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2015
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 108
Why do you feel you can't connect with anyone?
  #4  
Old Apr 23, 2016, 12:56 AM
elevatedsoul's Avatar
elevatedsoul elevatedsoul is offline
Ascended
 
Member Since: Nov 2013
Location: usa
Posts: 3,836
i can connect with everyone....
there are no one that no like me...

but when people start to like me and think im a friend...
i cant handle.... i panic... i am scared... i dont want anyone to know how sick i am... people would not like me... people cant handle this... i am sick...
i am scared...

i change faces so many times... im so tired... i just want to be me... i just want 1 friend that knows i change...
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  #5  
Old Apr 23, 2016, 06:50 AM
healingme4me's Avatar
healingme4me healingme4me is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 46,298
How sick are you??

I toss that out there because I know a couple of individuals that I've known for years and years that self describe as messed up or with self loathing for having not so kind thoughts about things. They've seemed to manage to survive all these years and form friendships.
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