Problems with relationships

So I was kind of doing more digging and reexamining certain things, and I learned that I have a ton of issues when it comes to relationships. The first one is that I tend to wall myself off. It's something I've done since I was a kid and I guess it has something to do with me being introverted, but I'd like to try and change that. I've been doing better at it, but I'm thinking of at least working more on that. I still feel occasionally walled off from a lot of people at school. No, scratch that -- a lot walled off.

Also, I had issues turning down guys when I was a teenager. I guess the first factor was the fact that I thought that it was something that I was "supposed" to do in middle school and later college. The second factor was...well, I guess I didn't want to disappoint them. And maybe there was a bit of wondering why they would be interested in me. (Yeah, I know, I know) But I had issues saying "no". Quite a few of them. It was very difficult. And it definitely got me into a lot of trouble in the second instance. So I have a combination of difficulty letting people in and issues saying "no".

What do you guys think? What should I do to work on that?

Hi Ladyrevan.

I too often wonder what motivates others to see me as interesting and worthwhile of their attention...and consequently used to spend the majority of my time alone persuing activities that didn''t involve other people. I do believe in some part that this was due to my trust issues and poor self image.

The thing is that we all want to be liked, and fear of rejection stops us sometimes from reaching out and making connections with others. But finding activities that involve like minded people was the key that helped me to become more social, and allow others into my world. I dont think I will ever be the 'Life of the Party'…but I now push myself to get involved and contribute…this in turn lets others know that I am approachable. Smiling at and complimenting others helps a great deal too….this lets them know that you approve of them and are open to getting to know them.

Hi, well, you can look up stuff on here about how to say no to others and how to let your walls down. You can also buy books on how to say no. You sound like a people pleaser. Also, it sounds like you have some self esteem issues too. It's hard to open up to other people at times since there will always be a chance that person will reject you.

Not everyone will though. I'm introverted too. Maybe take baby steps in the meantime and just try saying hi to people and talk to the people in your class. Try to step out of your comfort zone. And start practicing saying no to people. It'll get easier with time. I used to be more of a doormat who rarely ever spoke up even when I should've, but I'm a lot more assertive with people now. It took me years to change though.

There's a ton of self help literature out there regarding people pleasing. Might turn out to be insightful if not helpful.

Thanks to everyone who replied! It's been really helpful.

Quarter life: Well put, seriously. Good news is that I have a tabletop gaming group that's every other week, which has allowed me to at least connect with people who are pretty much interested in the same stuff I am. And participate in tabletop gaming, which is awesome. So I've definitely made that step.

Shy Introvert: Thanks! I'll definitely look up some stuff in regards to saying no to people and letting down my walls. As for books...well, I'll have to take a look out for those. And yeah, you're pretty much spot on. My mom actually said that when she took me to a psychologist as a kid, they said I was kind of a people pleaser (I must have been like, eight at the time). And yeah, I guess I do fear rejection. I guess I also have my share of abandonment issues, like "what if I mess up and this person ditches me." But yeah, baby steps sounds like a good idea. I can at least practice.

Healingme4me: Thanks! I'll definitely go and take a look at what's out there.