[Seeker50]

I confided in my husband about not wanting to attend a family gathering (his family) and he said he wouldn't know what to tell them. I said tell them I'm not feeling well.

Next thing I know I get a phone call from a family member saying they heard I was considering not coming and they hoped ID reconsider.

Not I feel my confidence to my husband was betrayed by him and I'm very upset.

He says he didn't betray my confidence but he couldn't like to his family.

We've been married 15 years.

I'm having a lot of trouble with this and feel that I can never confuse in him again.

Am I wrong?

[Seeker50]

Confide, not confuse!

[Seeker50]

Oh dear, I meant confide, not confuse!!
Sorry!

[NewCommer]

Well, you guys are married and all, but his familly will always be a part of him, i mean, blood related and since birth

Of course you're not wrong in feeling upset. Talk about it with him, seek counseling if needed because these kind of situations can grow. Don't let it grow

[divine1966]

I would feel betrayed too.

On the other hand my ex often didn't want to be around my family ( he is an alcoholic etc ) and I had to constantly lie that he is on a business trip or sick. It eventually got old. Is there a reason you don't want to attend his family events and is it just once in awhile or common occurrence


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[healingme4me]

Is there anyone on his side of the family that you feel connected to? I found that, for myself, that was the best way to be with my (now former) inlaws. That way, the information flowing back with the family isn't based/wasn't based on my exhusband. They can be gossipy and was better to err on the side of someone having my side of the story line. :\

He wasn't giving them your not feeling well storyline, I take it? It's odd to me one of your inlaws would call to say that they hoped you'd make it? *eyebrow raised* if that's not your go to, it's probably better to call and lean on whomever you are closest to.

[Bill3]

You could tell your husband "I don't feel up to it," which would be the truth. Then you are not asking him to lie.

How friendly was the family member who called to urge you to reconsider?

[Seeker50]

His family all drink and my hubby is trying to quit, but he won't say no there. Then they all start arguing... Loudly and with a lot of spicy/inappropriate wording.
My feeling is this: I should be able to discuss this work my husband without it being repeated. I don't repeat things to my family that he says or does. And when I spoke to him about it, I said "um telling you me feelings in confidence" which he now days I didn't say!
I know it's his family, and I don't expect our life to be hidden from them, but I do expect to be able to share my feelings on things with him in confidence.
I don't dislike his family, and I truly love his mother, I just don't care for the drinking at parties.
Am I wrong to feel this way? I think he and I should be able to share feelings without them going out to the world.

[Bill3]

In my opinion, you are not wrong in thinking that.

However, he is going to have to say something if you choose not attend the family events.

You want to maintain confidentiality. He wants to be honest with his mother/family, and not lie to them.

As I see it, both sides have reasonable desires.

What should he say to his family that is honest about why you are not coming to the party?

Originally Posted by Seeker50

His family all drink and my hubby is trying to quit, but he won't say no there. Then they all start arguing... Loudly and with a lot of spicy/inappropriate wording.
My feeling is this: I should be able to discuss this work my husband without it being repeated. I don't repeat things to my family that he says or does. And when I spoke to him about it, I said "um telling you me feelings in confidence" which he now days I didn't say!
I know it's his family, and I don't expect our life to be hidden from them, but I do expect to be able to share my feelings on things with him in confidence.
I don't dislike his family, and I truly love his mother, I just don't care for the drinking at parties.
Am I wrong to feel this way? I think he and I should be able to share feelings without them going out to the world.

I don't think you are wrong. I can only speak from my own personal experience, but my husband just would not repeat that. I would consider it passive aggressive. And you should not have to preface what you say with "this is in confidence..." to your husband.

[healingme4me]

That's why I suggested sharing with a trusted family member on his side. I know it's not the ideal method nor relationship building. However, I mentioned from a perspective of a heavy drinking inlaw family, myself.

[divine1966]

Gee. They drink and argue? I wouldn't go there either. If that's the case let him tell them the truth that you don't want to go. Sorry but screw them. I don't go to places where people drink and fight

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@The O.P, sorry to hear that. Next time just lie. I don't condone lying of course, but sometimes you need to in cases like this. Just tell him, oh, sorry, but I'm not feeling well, or that you just got your period.

If for some reason you do end up stuck seeing these people, then try to get there before they get wasted and then make an excuse to leave early. That's what I'd do. Your husband shouldn't betray your confidence like that. Some people can't keep anything to themselves unfortunately, so in that case, the less you tell them, the better.